“It couldn’t hurt for me to try to find out more information,” I said. “If only to help Noah’s anxiety.” I tried for a lighthearted tone, but I was pretty sure everyone could hear how much I wanted to do this. It was the only thing I could do. I would lose my mind if I had to sit here and dissect every moment of my relationship with Julian.
“I have medication to help my anxiety, but I appreciate the offer,” Noah said.
“Just let me go back to Julian and apologize and say that I was wrong,” I said. “Maybe I can find something out.”
“Why would he tell you anything?” Priya asked. “He’s going to be suspicious if you suddenly start asking lots of questions.”
“I can be subtle about it. And he just texted me.” I turned the phone so they could see. “Look. He’s sorry. I know exactly how to handle a guy when he’s pretending he’s sorry.”
Edan’s eyes met mine. His expression was pained.
“You know I’m right,” I said.
“Why does he know you’re ri—” Patrick abruptly stopped talking as Laila elbowed him and Priya shot him a look.
My suspicions about them figuring it out had been correct. Girls always knew things.
“My dad was always sorry after beating the shit out of us,” I said, working hard to keep my voice steady. “I can handle myself, I promise.”
Patrick blanched. Several pairs of eyes dropped to the ground.
“It’s your decision,” Madison said softly.
I looked down at the phone in my hand. “Does someone have a phone I can borrow? I want to call my brother, but Julian’s been tracking everything I do on this phone.”
Madison held her phone out to me. “You can use mine. It’s probably best I have his number in case something happens, actually.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re seriously doing this?” Edan asked.
“I’m doing this,” I said firmly.
I waited until evening to call Laurence. I told myself it was because of the time change, and I knew he slept in late on weekends, but really I was just nervous. I had to rehearse the conversation several times in my head.
I went outside to call him, and found Gage and Zoe standing near the door. He had a cigarette between his lips, and she was batting a cloud of smoke away from her face with a laugh.
I walked to the other end of the alley and leaned against the brick wall as I dialed Laurence’s number.
He answered on the third ring, his tone cautious. “Hello?”
“Hey. It’s me.”
“Clara?” He sounded stunned.
“Yeah.”
“Is something wrong?” he asked. “Are you OK?”
“I’m fine,” I lied, before remembering that this was a call for truth. I was so used to brushing past things with Laurence. “I mean, I’m not hurt or anything.”
“Where are you right now?”
“London. Are you still in Oklahoma?”
“Yeah, for now. Is . . . How are you guys doing? The teams, I mean. Did Grayson really get arrested?”
“He did. But he’s getting out soon. It’s fine.”
“Oh.”
“I was just calling . . . um, I guess because I wanted to talk to you before I go do this thing that’s kind of dangerous. And now Madison will have your number, in case something happens.”
“More dangerous than usual?” He sounded worried now.
“Maybe not. I’m probably overreacting. But I don’t want them calling Mom and Dad, which I told them, so it’s just you.”
There was a brief pause. “Does your team know . . .”
“About Dad? Yeah. Recently, actually.”
Another pause. And then, “That’s good.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah. You should tell anyone you want. I always wondered why you didn’t—” He cut himself off abruptly.
“You wondered why I didn’t tell anyone about Dad,” I finished.
“I didn’t mean for that to sound like it was your fault,” he said quickly. “I guess I understood, in a way. I mean, I know why I didn’t say anything.”
“Why?” I asked.
“I . . .” It took him a long time to find the words. I waited. “When I tell someone, I also have to tell them that I didn’t do anything to stop it. Someone recently asked me why you joined, and I just froze. What was I supposed to say? My little sister ran off to fight scrabs because it was better than living with our dad?”
“It’s not entirely true that you didn’t do anything to stop it. You stepped in a bunch of times.”
“And usually just made it worse.”
“Well.”
“I don’t need you to make me feel better about this. I don’t want you to, I mean.”
“OK,” I said quietly.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone? Was it just to protect Mom?”
“A little,” I said. “Or a lot, maybe. But the hell I was used to seemed safer than the unknown hell. Like Mom always says, things could be worse.”
“She does say that a lot.”
“And I guess I thought she was right. Dad was better than starving. He was better than a group home or foster care. He was better than having no family at all.”
“Yeah,” Laurence said, a little sadly.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Do you worry about being like Dad?”
“All the time.”
I blinked, surprised by the immediate honesty. “Really?”
“Of course. Everyone says that abusers were often abused themselves. Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode rage all over everyone.”
“Laurence, you barely show any emotion at all, much less rage.”
“I guess I went too far in the other direction.”
“God, that’s depressing,” I said.
“What? Do you worry about being like Dad?”
“No. Not at all. I worry about being like Mom.” I closed my eyes for
