“How?”
“I got involved with this guy who turned out to be . . . not great. And it seems so obvious, looking back on it now. The flashing warning signs. But I did exactly what Mom did. I made excuses.”
“What guy?” he asked. “Julian? Or Edan?”
“Julian,” I said. “I forgot that you look at Tumblr and know these things. Edan is just a friend. Those pictures are wildly misleading.”
“It’s weird that strangers are speculating about your love life.”
“It really is.”
“He didn’t hurt you, did he? Julian?”
“No, he didn’t hurt me. We’d only been dating a few weeks, but I could just see it, you know? That I was headed down that exact same path, and I didn’t even realize it at first.”
“But you did realize it. Mom and Dad have been married for, what? Twenty-five years? You might have missed the warning signs at first, but you saw them pretty quick. You should give yourself credit for that.”
I blew my bangs out of my eyes. “I don’t feel like giving myself any credit, honestly. I feel like a dumbass.”
“You’re not a dumbass, Clara,” he said softly. “No matter how many times Dad said it, you’re not.”
I swallowed around the sudden lump in my throat. “Have you been drinking?”
“What?” he asked with a startled laugh.
“This is the most talkative I’ve ever heard you. Like, in my entire life. I thought maybe you were drunk or something.”
“No, I’m not drunk. Honestly, I’m worried you’re calling me because you think you’re about to die. You don’t think you’re about to die, do you?”
“God, I hope not.”
“That does not make me feel better.”
“It was nice of you to get talkative because you think it’s the last time we’ll ever talk, though. I appreciate it.”
He laughed again, and then was quiet for a long moment. “I appreciate you calling. I wasn’t sure I would ever hear from you again after you left. I was really surprised when you left me that message about your ashes.” He paused. “And a little freaked out at the prospect of being sent them.”
“Sorry. But someone has to get them. And you’re kind of . . . it in the family department.”
“Yeah,” he said, his voice barely a whisper.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “I’ll text you when I can, OK?”
“OK. Thanks.”
“Bye, Laurence.”
“Bye, Clara.”
I ended the call and took a few deep breaths before walking back into the gym. It was quieter now, some of the recruits gone to find their own housing for the night. Or never coming back.
I found Madison in a corner, flat on her back on one of the many sleeping bags that had appeared during my conversation with Laurence. I sat next to her.
“Thank you,” I said, passing her the phone. “I saved his number under Laurence Pratt, if you need to call him.”
She took the phone and rested it on her stomach. “Got it.” Her gaze remained on the ceiling.
“You all right?”
“Yeah. I took a Xanax. I’m waiting for it to kick in.” She turned to look at me. “You want one?”
“No, thanks. I’ve never taken a Xanax before. I’m not sure that now is the time to start.”
“Or it’s the perfect time to start.”
I flopped down on my back. “Any news about Grayson?”
“He’s getting out tomorrow. Wait to text Julian until after we talk to him, OK?”
“OK.”
“I’m going to get you one of his phones too. So you have a way to keep in touch with us without Julian monitoring it.”
“Thank you,” I said. “And I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For not listening to you about Julian. You were just trying to warn me about him, and I accused you of being jealous.”
“I was absolutely jealous,” she said. “I did not have one hundred percent noble intentions when we had that conversation.”
“No?”
“No. I did want to warn you, and I tried to convince myself that was all it was, but I was totally jealous. And I can’t even explain why. I didn’t want Julian. I knew he was a jerk.”
“You just didn’t want to see him with someone else?” I suggested.
“I guess. He was my first love. In a way. Maybe love is the wrong word. He was the first guy I was super into.” She stared at the ceiling again. “He was older, and he was always around because he was friends with Grayson. The three of us had this weird worship thing going on. Grayson is three years older than Julian, and Julian idolized him when he was young. And Julian is two years older than me, and I was the same way with him. I had the biggest crush on him, and he knew it.”
“Have you guys ever actually been a couple?” I asked.
She made a so-so motion with her hand. “We sort of started something when I was fourteen. We’d just sneak away and make out. But he got weird about it because he thought I was too young, and he was probably right. There’s kind of a big difference between fourteen and sixteen. So we broke up, and he basically told me to wait. After we’d made out a lot, it should be mentioned. But he decided that we couldn’t officially be together until I was older, so we ended it. And started things up again right after I turned seventeen, almost a year ago.”
“Is it almost your birthday?” I asked.
“Yep, two weeks. Julian and I actually got together on my seventeenth birthday. Like that was the age he’d decided on or something. I don’t know. But we were barely together. It lasts maybe three weeks before he finds out that I’m not a virgin and totally loses it. When he told me to wait, he meant in every way.” She looked at me, eyebrows raised. “Keep in mind that Julian is not a virgin.”
“But he’s mad that you’re not.”
“Yep. He gets so mad, calls me a slut and all these other names. And I get upset, but I refuse to apologize, which is what he wants. He
