“No,” I whispered and shook my head. I took another sip of my wine, hoping that would give me the courage to continue. “I always wanted them, but it just never worked out that way for me.”
“Well, it’s not as if you’re too old to still make that become a reality. If you don’t mind me asking, how old—”
“I’m thirty-four,” I cut him off. “And no, it will never be a reality for me. My husband passed away a few months ago and prior to that we had tried for years to have children.” I inhaled sharply, trying to register the words that had just spewed from my mouth. Words I had sworn wouldn’t be spoken on this trip. I wasn’t sure who was more in shock, Theo for being on the receiving end of them, or me for saying them.
“Oh, geez, I’m a complete wanker for prying into your life like that. Can you please forgive me?” Theo pleaded with total sincerity.
He hadn’t a clue about my past. Guys didn’t think about stuff like women being able to have or not have a child unless they experienced it firsthand. The average guy just thought—you have sex, you don’t use protection, you get pregnant. I wasn’t angry at him for asking. I was just more shocked over how openly I answered him. “It’s fine. Really, it is. You had no idea. Please don’t feel bad,” I reassured him. I still sensed apprehension on his face, and I wanted to make it go away. “How about another glühwein?” I asked, holding up my mug. He nodded and I gave him a reassuring smile.
Theo and I spent the rest of the afternoon together. Turned out he was as into World War II as I was. We researched nearby museums on our phones and were fortunate to find a Third Reich walking tour run by a local tour company, so we decided on that. I had learned so much in that three hours of time. It was so interesting to lay eyes on the old building where the Nazi Party was started, which was now an Apple store. We had passed the Eternal Flame monument on our bus tour earlier that morning, but seeing it up close, it seemed to have a life of its own. It was a flame enclosed in a cage, and as our tour guide pointed out, it was symbolic of everyone living under the Nazi regime, living in a cage. We traveled through Dodger’s alley, which to me looked like any other alley until we learned the significance of the name behind it. It was a place where the citizens of Munich would go to avoid doing the required Nazi salute at the time. It was not only an informative experience, but also a sobering one.
By the time the tour was over, we were both starving and found a restaurant where we could sit down, rest our legs, and have an early dinner. We each ordered a glass of wine and Theo did his best to translate the menu after the translator on each of our phones didn’t want to cooperate. Our waiter understood very little English and wasn’t much help, so we each picked something and hoped for the best.
“Okay, if yours is totally disgusting, you can have some of mine and vice versa,” Theo said after we placed our orders.
“Deal.”
We clinked our glasses together and each took a sip of wine. It had been a good day, a better one than I had in a long while. Like always I thought of Evan a lot, but the thoughts seemed to be happy ones, not the dreaded guilt-filled ones that normally plagued me on an hourly basis. Being with Theo was a lot like being with Evan during our happy times, and I think that’s what helped me work through the bad memories and focus on the good. Theo was extra careful not to ask any more questions, but if I was being honest, I wasn’t quite sure if I was more comfortable with him avoiding them or asking. I had achieved a level of comfort with him in such a short amount of time, and I didn’t want him to feel as if he had to walk on eggshells around me because he thought I was in some fragile state. Just another reason why I didn’t want anyone here knowing my situation. But in an odd way, it almost felt therapeutic to hear myself speak those words I had to him earlier. I said them out loud and I survived. My husband had passed away tragically. We tried forever to have a child and couldn’t, and now here I was alone. No Evan. No child. Just me.
“So…you can take a pass if you don’t want to answer this,” I teased Theo.
“Oh, geez. Should I be nervous?”
“No, not at all.”
He tipped his head back and downed some wine. “Okay, shoot.”
“Do you have a girlfriend back home?”
“Ah…is that all?” He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, pretending he was wiping away sweat. “No…not really.”
I laughed. “Don’t sound so sure of yourself.”
“Well, there may be two or three who think they have that title, but none that I’m really willing to give that claim to.”
“Two or three?” I choked on my sip of wine and tried my hardest to stifle my laughter upon seeing a couple at another table looking our way, trying to figure out what was so funny.
“I was married for two years. I’ll be the first to admit, it should’ve never happened. I wasn’t cut out for it, but I went ahead with it anyway. Then I fucked up, and she was smart enough to leave. Oddly enough, we’re now better friends than we were husband and wife. She got remarried and just had a second baby. I’m happy that she was able to find happiness, but me…I don’t think I’m a commitment type of guy.”
I loved that
