Doubt began to creep in, questions sparking through my brain. Did Helena just not want to come with me? Things had been difficult with long distance but we’d tried to make them work because... well, because they wouldn’t always be long distance.
“How did you expect this to go?” I asked. “You knew I’d have to move.” It had always been on the cards.
“I know!” Helena snapped. “I know, and I thought I could handle it. I thought passing the bar would be like… I don’t know, like acing a pop quiz in history. But it’s not like that, Sam.”
Having never aced a pop quiz in any subject, Helena’s comparison went totally over my head. Frowning, I tried to concentrate on what she was saying. Those questioning voices in my head just got louder and louder.
“Sure, I could study law in Utah. But then you might move - to a different state, or back to Canada, and I’d have to learn all their laws! And I’d have to do that every single time you moved. It’s not like hockey where they play it the same everywhere.”
Her eyes welled up with tears. “Can’t you think about what you’re asking me to do?”
And... no. I couldn’t. Because I didn’t get what she was talking about.
“So you don’t ever plan for us to live together?” I asked dumbly. Everything she said sounded like that was where this was going. That Helena wanted to stay rather than come with me. Maybe ever.
The thought twisted in my stomach like acid had been poured into it. It hurt to even imagine not having Helena in my life. Yet, at the same time, this past year had been hard. We had gone for months without seeing each other and this was not the reunion I had hoped for.
Her cheeks blazed even more pink. “No! Of course, I want us to live together! How can you even ask that?” Her hands balled into fists. My gaze fell to the finger she would have worn an engagement ring on, if she’d had one. She’d said that a hockey puck was enough - was better than a ring.
Suddenly, I wondered if she’d just preferred not to have an outward symbol.
“I just don’t know how it’s going to work, Sam.” Her voice broke, practically disappearing as she tried to say my name. “And you’ve only thought about how it’s going to work for you!”
I didn’t think that was true. All of my plans included Helena!
“But I’ve planned for us! Like to buy a house and move together!” I honestly felt confused by her saying that it didn’t include her. But what truly rang through my mind was Helena’s words about not knowing how this would work. That wasn’t just now but forever. If she couldn’t see us moving in together then…
It felt unimaginable to think about not being with Helena. “What are you saying, Helena?” I asked slowly. “If you don’t know how it’s going to work...” And Helena was always the one who knew things!
Her teeth sank into her lower lip so hard that even I had to wince. “I don’t know how to make it work,” she repeated. “And I feel like you’re just trusting that I’ll be the one to figure it out. You don’t think about my side of it. You just -”
She broke off, her whole body fidgeting with restless energy. “You just expect me to make all the sacrifices. To do whatever it takes for us to stay together. Even if that means studying to pass the bar and uprooting my career every time you have to move. You’re not willing to change anything about your dream.”
“You want me to give up the NHL for you?” I asked, feeling as dumbfounded as I sounded. Helena knew how much this meant to me, how much it was my dream to play for the NHL. She had supported me in doing it! So how could she now say that I needed to make more sacrifices?
Shaking my head, I shrugged one shoulder, arms coming up to cross over my chest. “I just don’t get what you imagine I can do, Helena. I can’t give up hockey. Not for you, not for anyone.” And she shouldn’t be asking me to either. I wasn’t asking her to give up her dreams! I just wanted her to have those dreams closer to where I was.
She shook her head, her whole body visibly vibrating with tension. We’d never argued. Not like this. It made me feel sick to my stomach, but my mind just couldn’t come up with any way out of it.
Helena needed to move with me. That was how we were going to stay together. If she wouldn’t -
“I don’t want you to give up the NHL! That’s part of who you are, I know that. But… wanting to be a lawyer is part of who I am.”
But it wasn’t the same. Helena could be a lawyer anywhere. That had always been the plan.
“Maybe - maybe our dreams just aren’t compatible.”
It felt like being struck by lightning. Electricity shooting through every part of me. My breath caught in my throat. I had to remind myself that I knew how to breathe.
Maybe our dreams just aren’t compatible.
The words rang in my head, echoing over and over again. It was the first time since we’d met, back at that dance in school, that something about us wasn’t compatible. It really sucked that that thing seemed to be our future plans.
“So,” I said slowly. “What now?”
And the thing was, I knew what the answer would be. Images of moving to Utah alone flashed before my eyes. Helena’s dreams weren’t my dreams. That hurt. What was worse was, I
