Not once this whole semester had I checked my mail, and I wasn’t going to start now. I had no friends beside Ash and Mel, and it wasn’t like they’d mail me anything.
I headed to the lounge, sitting in a corner seat, right beside a wall of windows. The windows overlooked the street that the turnaround was on, so it wasn’t like it had a great view; still, better than nothing. Better than going upstairs and facing Mel.
I didn’t want to add to Mel’s problems. If there was one person I wanted to fool, one person who I wanted to believe everything was all right, it was Mel. She had enough she already had to deal with; I didn’t want to be the one that pushed her to the edge again. I didn’t want her to try to hurt herself because she thought she was to blame for everything.
Closing my eyes, I leaned back on the wall, or as best as I could, considering my backpack was there. My head ended up going back too far, at too weird of an angle, so I brought my head back up with another sigh. I had the feeling I’d be doing a lot more sighing now.
Life. Who knew it could suck this much?
Mel, obviously. She knew life could suck this much, if what she did last year was any indication. Still, as horrible as I felt about it, I didn’t think I’d ever reach that point, where I’d want to kill myself just to escape the awful feeling of being alive.
No, I’d just be miserable while trying to put on a brave, confident face, while pretending to be the old Kelsey and not this new one.
The new Kelsey sucked. I hated her, I really did.
I couldn’t say how long I sat there, trying to get it together, to make sure I wasn’t going to cry again when I went upstairs and saw Mel, but it was a while. A long while. But end it did, and I slowly got up, my legs a bit stiff from the lack of movement, and wandered to the elevator. I was the only one that got on, hitting the button to my floor and sighing to myself as the doors closed.
My feet drew me towards my door in the girls’ wing of the building, and I went in my pocket for the key to the lock. I pushed inside, instantly putting on a happy face. Or, well, a steady face, not the face someone wore when they wanted to curl under their sheets and sleep the next year away.
My normal face, I thought. I hoped. Guess I’d see.
Mel was at her desk, working on her laptop, though she shut it when I walked in. Bags hung under her eyes, as if she hadn’t slept well while I was gone. Ditto, sister. “You’re back,” she said, stating the obvious, watching as I walked into the room and tossed my bag on my bed and kicked off my shoes.
“Yep,” I said with my back to her, wincing at how happy and giddy my voice sounded.
“How’s your friend Ash?”
I unzipped the bag, beginning to unpack it. “She’s good. She’s got a lot of drama going on, but she’s good. I hoped I helped get her mind off things…” I stopped, knowing I’d succeeded there, but only because I’d added onto the pile of shit Ash had to deal with. Me fucking one of her crushes—that went against every girl code there was.
And there was one. A girl code. There was a bro code, and a girl code, both very different things.
Mel waited a while before asking, “And the rest of your weekend was good too?”
I knew what she was asking about without outright asking, and my shoulders tensed. Turning to face her, I gave her a grin that I hoped was believable. “It was good. Exactly the kind of weekend I needed. How was yours? Event-filled, being here all alone?” Didn’t know why I had to change subjects and put it on her, but I did.
She gave me a tiny smile. “It was good. Quiet, but good.”
We remained that way for a minute or two, both of us smiling, both of us probably telling lies they hoped the other believed. Did she think I had a good weekend? Maybe. Did I think she had a nice one? Not really. She didn’t seem like she enjoyed anything anymore, which really sucked, because I knew the drama surrounding Levi and Dean played a big part in that.
Speaking of the devil himself… Mel broke her silence, the smile falling off her face, “Dean tried calling me a few times this weekend. I blocked his number.” She squared her shoulders, trying to look tough or something, as she added, “I figured you’d be proud of me.”
“I am. No more Dean for you. Have to snip that dick like…” Well, I was going to make a foreskin joke, but maybe I shouldn’t. Shouldn’t really have dick on the brain in general after last night. To change subjects, I told her, “And I was careful last night, Mom, so you don’t have to worry.”
Mel giggled, and just like that, we were back to our normal selves.
Mostly.
If our normal selves involved heapings of self-loathing and self-hatred…and lies.
I called it an early night, spending an inordinate amount of time in the shower, trying to rinse away every lingering touch on my body. When I closed my eyes, I pictured Levi’s face, and then I remembered fucking Sawyer, and then…then Levi’s face
