Wow. That would be so unfair. Was it really that hard to believe though? Why wouldn’t he pick her over me? She was his wife.
But the way he talked about us had me thinking we were going down a serious path.
I knew it was all going too fast and way too perfect. No guy was as amazing as Carter seemed, right? I was such an idiot.
I sighed as I joined the back of the cafeteria line. The door opened behind me and I spun around hoping it was Carter—but June and Hailey walked through instead. Fighting back tears, I loaded my plate up with sausages—because apparently that’s all I wanted to eat these days—and sat across from Cory.
My tray clanged on his table and he straightened up.
“Do you know where Carter went?”
He shook his head, his face softening.
“He didn’t say where he was going?”
“No. Sorry.”
I poked at my sausages with my fork. I knew taking a serious chance on Carter was a big risk, and I knew he’d change his mind. Eventually. But, I didn’t think it would happen this fast.
“He’ll be back,” Cory said.
“You don’t know that.”
Cory frowned.
“All I know is he said he’d be here, and he’s not.” I hated sounding like a whiny teenager, but it was true. He’d told me a marine never quits. That a marine never went against his word, either, but that hadn’t made a difference to him this morning. When push came to shove, I wasn’t enough.
Again.
-CARTER-
My eyes snapped open at two in the morning, tears leaking into my pillow. I focused on my body, imagining every muscle group, tried to make them relax, hands, neck, shoulders, back. Instead, memory after memory blasted through my brain making me go straight rigid.
The time Megs blew our savings on a flight to Germany, because she couldn’t stand being apart from me for another minute.
Her teary laughter when I’d surprised her with a puppy for her twenty-first birthday.
The first ultrasound image. Then the second. And the third.
The mourning we went through when each pregnancy failed.
Her bravery for wanting to try again.
And, I was just forgetting all of that?
Everything about kissing Lauren felt right when we were in the middle of it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d betrayed my vows to Megan.
I wanted to drive to her grave site and hunker down on top of it the way I did so many times over the past year. Rolling to the edge of the bed, I fumbled for my sleeve and my prosthetic. I did the best I could without light because Cory didn’t need to know how weak I was right now. I pulled my clothes on from earlier and swept my hand over my desk until I found my keys.
My truck rumbled awake and I pulled through the parking lot, everything around me pitch black, but I didn’t care. I wanted Megs and there was only one way to have her now. After I cleared the lot, I flicked the lights on, and picked up speed, my whole body shivering with the acute awareness of the truth. I betrayed her. Twenty miles down the road I came to the crossroads. Left meant a six hour drive, and probably, losing all the progress I’d made up here, but I’d get to greet her with the sunrise. Or, I could turn right, and head up to the lookout at the top of the mountain. Memories of our last morning together flickered through my mind. Then, the accident.
My failure, my weakness is the part that kept bouncing back to me. Nobody could understand how powerless I’d felt trying to help Megs get out of the car with a crushed leg. Her excruciated sobs. My attempts at unbuckling her belt while my vision blurred. So many nights, so many days, I’d relived that moment—till I felt like I was losing it completely. That weakness, that guilt drove me to try and end my life.
Hot tears hit my cheeks. I lifted my shirt collar to eradicate them. I didn’t deserve to cry over this. Not when I was the reason for it all in the first place.
“Why, God?” I bellowed, tightening my grip on the wheel and slamming my head back on the seat rest. “If You are who they say You are, who she thought You were, You could’ve stopped it! Why’d You let her die?”
More tears came.
“It’s not fair! I deserved to die, not her. Never her!” Anger filled my vision, everything turning red. If I could just go back. But I couldn’t. “You’re worthless if that’s how You operate. I’m worthless. It’s all worthless.” I growled and clenched my teeth, wiping at my tears again. I threw the blinker on and turned right, peeling out as I headed up the mountain.
Nineteen
-LAUREN-
Going to church alone wasn’t what I wanted, but I did it anyway.
As I sat by myself in a pew towards the back, I sang along to the worship songs I knew by heart without paying much attention. The green carpet and bare pine walls reminded me of the cafeteria and the day Carter saved me.
Where was he? Why hadn’t he at least dropped a line to Cory for me? Everything about him so far told me he was responsible, and caring, and totally dependable. But that’s how all my boyfriends seemed at the beginning, didn’t they?
After worship ended, the band played an instrumental piece and June’s boyfriend Philly, the worship leader, told everyone to take a minute to say hi before the sermon. June and Hailey bolted over from the row they were sitting in, each of them taking a spot at my side. I’d filled June in on how my date with Carter went after I got back to our room last night. She was skeptical, but she told me she
