“No Carter?” she asked.
“No, and I can’t get over the fact that he was so into us last night, and in the matter of a few hours he’s over it.”
“Maybe it was an emergency.” Hailey scanned the congregation, frowning. “He should’ve told you, though.”
“Seriously.” June huffed.
Pastor Gregg came to the podium and cleared his throat.
June leaned closer. “I can hunt him down for you after church. I know where to find a switch blade.”
“June!” I held in a giggle, feeling the teeniest bit better.
Drawing a deep breath, I squared my shoulders. There was another little heartbeat on the line now. Maybe June and Mila were right this whole time: Maybe Lauren needed to spend time with Lauren. I mean—as badly as I wanted Carter to come to church with me today, I was totally able to do it alone. The only person me and my baby really needed was God. I closed my eyes to pray for guidance.
-CARTER-
Hot and flushed, I rolled the windows down and turned the music up.
Pastor Gregg told me to talk to God and I just had. Did I feel any better? Sort of. At least I’d tried. That had to be some kind of progress, right. And I was sitting in my truck on top of the mountain instead of on top of my dead wife’s grave. That had to mean something too.
The rising sun spread an amber glow across the valley below. A thousand-pound weight hooked into my chest, my eyes blurring the longer I watched the light chase the darkness away. I wanted to believe there was a reason for all the heinous things that had happened.
Especially that Megs’ belief in God wasn’t in vain. That I could still believe, too. One thing I knew for sure, Megs would’ve wanted me to get right with God. And she would’ve wanted me to move on with my life.
A breeze floated through the cab, and something flickered on the passenger side floor. I leaned over and saw the corner of Lauren’s ultrasound image sticking out between the floorboard and the carpet mat. I pulled it out, setting it over the steering wheel as I exhaled.
A tinge of hope burned for a different future than the one me and Megs had dreamed up. A future I could see, like it was already written, and this was just the start. A big part of me wanted it to be, but telling that to Megs’ memory was tearing my soul in half—and it wasn’t coming out even.
I dug my fingertips into my hair. Lauren and I struck on something sweet last night, and if I’d been in a better mental state this morning, I would’ve been there at 0850 to wait for her.
Except, I wasn’t in a better mental state—even now. I wanted to give Lauren the relationship she deserved, but I was struggling with letting Megs go. Just the thought of doing it terrified me, but maybe Lauren could be patient?
“All right, God,” I whispered. “You’re the navigator and I could use some kind of miracle right about now.”
-LAUREN-
I was just coming out of church when I saw Carter leaning against his red Chevy, eyes all bloodshot, hair long and wild. He ran to me and hugged me hard, lifting me off the ground. Oh, wow. Having him here with me washed all the doubt away.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I snapped in the middle of the night. I thought I was ready. So much of me is. I feel it. The want to, still there, and, man . . . just holding you like this makes my want to even stronger.”
I sniffed, blew a shaky breath. “Are you okay?”
“I am now.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“It had nothing to do with you, Lauren.”
“Was it Megan?”
He sighed, running a palm over my hair. A few staffers stared at us from the road as they passed, and it was the worst kind of invasion.
“We should probably go for a walk, or something. Try and figure this out.”
Carter waited for me outside my lodge while I changed out of my skirt and heels and into a pair of cutoff jean shorts and a loose mahogany tee. I cleared the trails of runny mascara off my face, and drank a glass of water.
His half-smile calmed my heart as I joined him on the path leading uphill.
We came out from beneath the pines and into the clearing at the edge of the cliff where the mountains spread out in a rolling expanse as far as I could see. A cool breeze swirled around us, kicking up deep forest scents, and I breathed them in. Carter plopped down onto a boulder and I joined him.
“How’re you doing?” he asked, rubbing his knee above his prosthesis.
“I’m a mess.” I shrugged because it was true, and I was so done hiding in relationships. Plus, if we were serious about making this work, we had to be open with each other. “I totally snapped into the he’s-not-that-into-me mode when you bailed this morning. Not that I can blame you.”
He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.
“That’s not why I bailed. I am that into you, Lauren. But I was a hundred percent committed to my wife. I know it sounds weird, but this kind of feels like cheating on her to me. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I was confused by it this morning, but I get that you’re still healing.”
“I don’t feel right asking you to be patient with me when you don’t have much time,” Carter said. “But . . . I’m asking you to be patient with me.”
I leaned my head against his strong shoulder and ran my fingertips over his arm, wishing there was a better way to help him. “Tell me the next time you’re struggling, okay? I want to be there for you.”
He grunted. “That’s like asking me to send you to war, Lauren.”
“I might like makeup, but
