“I gotta get outta here, Dad.”
“You’re not driving anywhere today.”
“Can’t live like this. I’m a loser and you all know it.”
“You’re not a loser, Matty.” I said. “Just a little broken.” I couldn’t believe I was trying to comfort him, but it was like Megs was right there, watching it all, and I had to find a way to shield her from this.
“I stole from you and Mom, Dad. Three grand. And I took two grand from Carter. I am a loser. Just . . . I’m sorry. So sorry. I don’t wanna be this way.”
Mr. Harris gasped and made eye contact with me for a second before he returned his sights to Matty. “That may be true, but you’re done using people now. Pardon me, Carter.” Mr. Harris squeezed into the space between me and Matty. I took it as my cue to pull back.
Mom and Dad stared at me hard when I told them I needed to take a few minutes at the cemetery. “It’s been a rough day, and I have some stuff to tell her.”
“Sure that’s wise?” Dad asked.
“I’ll be back in a while.”
-LAUREN-
“Let’s fix you, baby,” Kellie said, waking me up when we got home late Sunday afternoon. I didn’t want to talk, so I’d slept the whole way there.
She gripped my hand and walked me up the stairs. She sat on her guest bed and I sat beside her, dropping my face to my palms. Kellie rubbed circles into my back, and even if I wanted to fight my mania, I couldn’t. The dam broke, again, memories of Carter’s face as he looked at photos of Megan coming back to haunt me —so full of pain, and longing, and love.
“What am I supposed to do? Ren’s out. So’s the future I imagined with Carter, he would’ve been such an amazing dad for my baby—but, everything’s gone now. Just me, the baby, and . . . that’s it.”
“Lauren, what the heck happened? Can you please talk to me? Everything seemed fine when you were here last weekend.”
I choked on a sob and sniffed. “He just can’t get past his wife.”
Less than five hours had passed since I’d seen him, and I already missed the warmth of his smile, and the scent of his skin, salt and sun-warmed sand, and the strength of his hold. I missed his deep laughter, and the determination in his eyes the day he asked me to come on the lake walk with him. Even the way he walked, strong and proud, like having a leg missing was as normal as breathing. And yeah, I totally missed his marine jargon too.
Kellie sighed, still rubbing circles on my back. “That breaks my heart. I can’t imagine what that feels like, for you, or for him.” She disappeared into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper, offering me some before she snatched a few squares for herself and dabbed her eyes. “My guess is he’s just scared. Think of everything he’s been through, and you said it’s only been a year since she passed?”
“I want what you have, Kel. You never once had to convince Jared to love you.”
“No, but we’ve had to fight to keep our love alive, and we didn’t have all the issues you guys have now, just starting out. Love isn’t just rainbows and daisies, baby. Sometimes it’s all-out war. But it’s always worth fighting for. I can promise you that much.”
A fresh burst of tears filled my eyes and, as ridiculous as a twenty-two-year-old wailing on her sister’s shoulder might have been, I wailed anyway, clenching my fists, aching to be treasured the way Carter treasured Megan, the way he’d treasured me for as long as he had.
“Why can’t anyone love me? Everybody always leaves. Dad doesn’t call on birthdays and Mom’s—
“—acting like the Queen of Sheba, out on a yacht somewhere with Mr. Fancy-Pants-CEO and her stepsons who poop gold nuggets?”
“Kellie!” I chuckled, but the humor faded fast. “Even you left.”
“Honey, I’m here with you, right now.”
“But you have Jared and Liam and Aiden. Who do I have? No one.”
“Listen to me, Laur. When I was pregnant with Aiden, I was worried I could never love him as much as I loved Liam—and when Aiden came along, I realized that my heart got bigger. Love just grows, it doesn’t have to be one or the other. I love you as much as I ever have. Maybe even more since I became a mom. Lauren, honestly, the place you have to start with love is yourself. Even God, loving you with all His heart the way He does, won’t reach you until you can find a way to let Him. He’s right there, but He won’t force it.”
“It hurts too much, Kel. I . . . can’t.”
“You have to try and see yourself through His eyes. You have to love yourself to do it, Laur. Ask Him to help you see. I promise He will.”
“But I want Carter too. I want him to love me like he loved Megan. I just miss him so much.”
Kellie went silent, staring at the door before she drew a deep breath. “Look, baby. I know it hurts, but maybe this breakup is better than you jumping into a brand-new relationship all over again anyway. It’s not just about you this time. There’s a baby to think about now.”
“Mama!” A shout echoed from downstairs. “I spilled all the juice on the hot dogs! Dada needs you!”
“Great. I have to go enforce some order around here.” Kellie pulled me into another hug. “Focus on you. Focus on the baby. Ask God for help.”
The door shut quietly behind my sister and there was nothing I could do to stop the loneliness spinning through my bones.
I glanced at my phone, hoping, but . . . not one text. My chest tightened and my vision blurred worse. Wow. This breakup was so much harder than all the rest.
Carter’s love
