I smile, emotion flooding my body and bringing forth a few tears. “God, it feels good to get it out.”
They each get up from their seats, so I stand up, and one by one, I embrace my brothers as I allow some of the weight I’ve been carrying to be lifted from my shoulders.
After a few minutes, we all get comfortable again and I wipe away any remaining tears.
“Are you going to come out publicly?” Royce asks.
“That’s the ultimate goal. I have to talk to the guys.”
“Nobody knows?” Cill questions.
I shake my head. “No, well, one person knows.” They all watch me expectantly. “Ali. He’s known since I was sixteen.”
A few seconds tick by before Cillian says, “Sixteen. You said something happened at sixteen.”
I glance over at Elijah. “I. . .uh, well, you know Ali’s gay, right? He came out years back. Well, one night Elijah walked in on us kissing. I thought I might have gotten away with it, because he never brought it up, but I always wondered if he saw more than he led on.”
Royce stares at Elijah and Cillian keeps his eyes trained on me. “You and Alejandro?”
I sigh. “It’s a long, convoluted story. I’ve messed up a lot, and I’m ready to make things better now.”
“You knew all along?” Royce asks Elijah.
“I assumed, but I wasn’t going to question him about it if he wasn’t comfortable. After I caught them, I didn’t want to put any more pressure on a sensitive situation, so I didn’t get onto him about the drinking and smoking. Everything kind of clicked in that moment, though. The acting out made sense to me, so I figured I’d wait for him to be ready to talk to me about it. I’ve tried a few times to get him talking,” he says, giving me a look, “But he’s a good bullshitter.”
Royce takes a deep breath, letting his shoulders drop as he exhales. “Wow, well, I wasn’t expecting this, but I’m glad you told us. And I hope everything else goes okay. I’m sure it’s been harder since becoming famous.”
“Right, which is why I let people see me how they want to see me. There’s no questions about my sexuality if I’m always seen with women. But I don’t want to mess things up for the guys by coming out.”
“I don’t know if that’ll happen,” Cill says.
“And that’s the problem. I wish I knew everything would be fine. Straight people never have to come out and have a whole speech prepared explaining how long they’ve been straight. It’s annoying as fuck to have to stress over. But I’m going to tell the guys first, because they deserve to know the media frenzy I’ll start when I come out. If they want me to leave the band, I will.”
“Whoa,” Royce says. “I don’t think they’ll make you do that, and that’s quite a decision.”
“Yeah, but living my life as me is more important. I don’t want to live this lie anymore. It’s physically painful. I can’t keep pretending to like women. I can’t keep pushing away a guy who means more to me than I’d ever imagined. Not coming out means never being able to be in love and settle down.”
“And everyone deserves that,” Elijah says. “So, we’re behind you one hundred percent.”
Cill smirks. “You can invite Alejandro over now.”
I shake my head, a smile on my lips. “I have a lot of making up to do. I’ve just convinced him to be my friend again. I’m not gonna push him. Plus, taking these steps; telling you, the band, the label, that’s what I need to do to prove to him I’m not full of shit.”
Now I need to find a way to meet up with the guys. I don’t know if they’ll all want to come back to Gaspar, but I’m going to try my hardest to convince them. And I can’t wait too long. I’m dying to be back with Ali.
25
Alejandro
Present Day
Ever since Merrick showed back up in my life, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. To be fair, even when he was gone I thought about him fairly often. . .too often, considering we hadn’t spoken in years.
But now. . .now it’s on another level. When I wake up, I wonder what he’s doing. When I’m eating, driving, and even talking to somebody, I think about when I’m going to see him again. I’m already craving his affection and attention, but now he’s holding back. I can’t be mad at him for the reasoning, because the truth of the matter is he’s doing this for me.
When it comes to Merrick, I’ve always been willing to go along with whatever he wants to do, and as much as I want to be with him, I know if I fall into the same routine, I’ll only hate myself. I meant what I said when I told him I need more than words, and even if it means torturing myself in the process, I have to keep from succumbing to my sexual desires.
We can go back to being friends. I know he has more on his plate than I do, and I’m willing to support him. I just have to find a way to not think about him naked. I have to forget what it feels like when his lips are against mine, and what it does to me to have his hard body pressed against mine as he thrusts inside of me.
Fuck.
Yeah, it’s hard to only be friends with someone when you can close your eyes and remember the way their body feels against yours, and the way they taste on your tongue, but fuck it, let’s give it a try.
I’m two houses away from mine, sprinting as fast as I can like I’m trying to run away from the memories of me and Merrick together, when my phone starts vibrating against my arm as it
