“Looks like you’re already heartbroken,” she says, her lips pulling down into a frown. “You disappear, don’t answer calls or texts and never leave your house.”
“It could be much worse.”
“I get why you’re upset. I know what it’s like to be lied to, but it wasn’t like he kept lying to you about every little thing. He said he wanted to come out, but never mustered up the courage to be able to do it. That doesn’t mean he never intended to, it just means he’s scared.”
“I know, and I feel for him. I really do. But there comes a time when I have to put myself first, you know? If I continue to keep up this affair we’re having, that means I lose the freedom I have now. I won’t be able to date, because I’ll be with him, but I won’t be able to talk about him. I won’t be able to visit him or have him visit me. We won’t be able to walk outside and hold hands or even look at each other too long.”
Lili sighs, sitting back down on the couch and lying the baby across the middle cushion. “I get it. That would suck.” She grabs a diaper and some wipes. “But I don’t want you to miss out on something that might be amazing. You two have known each other since you were kids. There’s clearly something special between you.”
“I’ll never feel about anyone the way I feel about him,” I admit.
She smiles, her eyes watering. “Maybe just hear him out first and see what he has to say. Even if it doesn’t change your mind about being with him, because of having to keep it under wraps, maybe it’ll allow you to let go of some of this anger.”
“Maybe.”
She goes about changing the baby’s diaper, and once she’s done and has tossed the diaper in the trash, she sits back on the couch and says, “Now, tell me when you first knew you loved him.”
45
Alejandro
10 Years Ago
“I’m going to Merrick’s,” I tell my mom as I emerge from the hallway into the living room.
“When are you gonna be home? Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean you can stay out all night. You’re still only sixteen.”
I sigh. “I don’t know. When do you want me home?”
She levels me with a stern look. “Before eleven. Is his brother home?”
“Yeah,” I lie. Merrick specifically told me Elijah wasn’t home.
“You’re not going anywhere else?”
“No, Ma. Gah,” I complain.
“Keep it up,” she warns.
“Sorry. I love you,” I say, kissing her forehead. “I’m gonna grab a Coke then I’m gonna go, okay?”
“Okay. Be careful.”
When I get to the kitchen, instead of taking a Coke, I swipe a few bottles of beer that she’s had stashed in the back of the pantry for a while, then I rush out before she can see me.
Me and Merrick have been best friends for the last year or so, ever since Mami moved me and my sister here after leaving our father. I can’t say I miss my dad; he wasn’t a good person when he was around, and we began to look forward to the times he’d disappear for days at a time.
It was hard leaving my friends and school behind, but when I met Merrick, we hit it off right away and we’ve been pretty inseparable since.
I’ve known I was gay for a few years now, but I’ve never told anybody. I don’t really know how I feel about it, and I have no idea how my mom and sister will react if I tell them. Homosexuality has never been discussed in our house, but that doesn’t mean my mom thinks it’s wrong. Maybe she’s just never had to think about it.
Either way, it’s my little secret, and I’ve done a good job keeping it to myself. However, as soon as me and Merrick started getting close, I knew right away how much I was attracted to him. I’ve found other guys attractive before, but it’s always been in passing. Like, I’d see someone on the street or someone at a restaurant that I thought was cute. This is the first time I’ve spent a massive amount of time with a guy that I was sexually attracted to, and every day we’re together, I hope I’m not making it obvious how I feel.
Not only is he drop-dead gorgeous with his blue eyes, blondish-brown hair, and tall, lithe frame, he’s also fun to be around. We’re always laughing, and we’ve never been in a fight about anything.
He’s brushed against me, making my body go stiff, and I’ve had to hope he didn’t question why I was being such a weirdo. He’d strip out of his clothes in front of me, which isn’t usually a big deal for guys, but I’d catch glimpses of his naked chest or wide back and would have to hide my face, knowing redness was blooming in my cheeks.
Merrick talks about girls, so I’ve never questioned his sexuality. I play along, but I’ve never been with a girl before. I don’t even want to try it, but I’d love a chance with Merrick. Not that that’ll happen, but I can continue to dream.
Hours later, after I accidentally nearly admitted to finding him attractive and had to backtrack, we’re on his steps drinking and smoking. Merrick begins looking at me in a way that sends heat traveling through my body and blood pouring into one particular part.
“Merrick.” I say his name like it’s a question.
It takes several seconds before he snaps out of his daze. “Yeah?”
“What’s goin’ on?”
“Nothing. What do you mean?”
“You’re looking at me like. . .”
Like I’ve always wanted you to. Like you want me.
“Like what?” he asks, arching his brow.
God he’s hot. My eyes travel to his lips, wondering how they’d feel against mine. My heart hammers in my chest as the air around us shifts.
“Like. . .” I leave the word hanging there,
