It was clear that Adam had a long fuse. But I was sure that fuse led to a bomb somewhere.
“You mentioned you didn’t finish school,” he muttered softly as he pulled onto a deserted suburban road.
“I didn’t. Not yet.” I said, feeling the same shields go up around my words. I was so tired of explaining this — over and over and over again. But something about Adam compelled me to tell him the truth.
“I had to put college on pause. My anxiety got too bad; it got to the point where I couldn’t even sit down and take a test.”
“You need to take the time that you need. College isn’t going anywhere, it’ll be there for you when you decide to return.”
How did he know exactly what I needed to hear in that moment? I didn’t even realize that I needed someone to tell me that.
A rush of trust flooded through me for this stranger.
His phone buzzed loudly in his pocket. He reached down to silence it.
“I’m off-duty.” He seemed to say more to himself than to me.
I snuck a look at him out of the corner of my eye: He was even more attractive than earlier in the bookstore. His beard, which had previously come across to me as unkempt, looked wild in a warrior-like way as if he was Leonidas leading the Spartans into battle. Above the beard was a straight nose, unmistakably high cheekbones, and dark eyes.
We stopped at a blinking stoplight and I watched as it lit up his face with red light.
Then his eyes suddenly flickered over towards me and I had to look away. I couldn’t hold his powerful gaze.
Then his phone buzzed again and he sighed, wrenching it out of the pocket of his jeans.
I wanted to say something about texting and driving, but I was too nervous. Plus, he wasn’t technically driving; he was stopped in the middle of a deserted road.
Even in the darkness, I could see his eyebrows come together in concern.
“Amber Alert,” he said simply.
Then something between us shifted, and I could tell he was back in cop mode again. There was some kind of wall that went up between us; it was all professional now.
“Where am I taking you again? Where do you live?”
“Um… just in Oakfield. It’s that subdivision—”
“I know it,” he cut me off.
What was with this guy? He was being all calm and caring earlier, but now his mind was clearly somewhere else. I couldn’t help but wonder: Did I do something wrong?
I began picking at my cuticles and gazed out the window.
We drove in silence for a bit, and I asked a question just to break the quiet. “Do you have to go on a… on a mission or something once you drop me off?”
The air between us shifted and I knew immediately that I’d said the wrong thing.
“It’s not a mission, I just have to go back in tonight, that’s all,” he said, a hurried tone sharpening the edge of his voice.
This was wrong, this was all going so wrong. I wanted his approval; I wanted to please him. And here he was, hurrying to drop me off so that he could be done with me.
I was such a burden. I was so sorry… sorry to have bothered this stranger in the first place, sorry to have distracted him from the time with his brother when he followed me into the bathroom, sorry for agreeing to a ride home, sorry for existing!
My thoughts swirled like water spiraling into a storm drain, taking me down.
I steadied my breathing and focused on the divider lines in the middle of the road. They emerged out of the darkness at a steady cadence, then were swallowed up by the truck’s grill predictably. I watched the hypnotic scene; trying to count them. It helped me steady my breathing.
Luckily, being in Adam’s presence provided its own strange degree of calm. Even though I was afraid that I’d bothered him, even though I knew I was being such an imposition to him, there was something about him that stymied my chronic nervousness.
We pulled into Oakfield, and Adam made his truck crawl along the winding streets.
“This one is mine,” I said, eyeing my house a few yards away.
Two lights were on in the living room, and it was like the house was awake in the darkness, watching me.
She wasn’t supposed to be back this early.
Adam put the truck in park. I knew it was time.
I’d gotten a second chance with this guy, and I’d completely blown it. With my eyes cast downward, I started to whisper, “S-sorr—”
“No need,” he said. “It’s my pleasure. I wish I could have been more talkative, but I really need to get back to work right now. Look, if anything comes up, or you have another one of your attacks or something, I want you to give me a call.”
Then he held something out to me, something that shined in the light of the moon.
“Your business card?” I asked.
“Yeah, the station makes us carry those…” He said, sounding far away. “Anyway, you ever need me, don’t hesitate to give me a call.”
His eyes met mine in the dark. That indescribable feeling passed between us again, making its last appearance for the day.
My heart was pounding, but not from nervousness.
I wanted nothing more than to… to stay with him, to press my lips to his, to have him touch me, just once. I was desperate, begging whatever fates that happened to be watching me at this moment for a scrap of his affection.
But there was none.
“Goodnight.” He said with finality, as if he could have easily changed the word to “Get out.”
I scrambled with the door handle, then thankfully found it. Stepping down from his truck, I landed in the soft, immaculate,
