My heart rate began to quicken and my mouth went dry.
Adam pulled away and looked into my eyes carefully. “Luke? Are you feeling okay?”
He must have noticed the speed of my heartbeat.
“Luke?” he asked again.
But I was already starting to take in deep breaths as the images of this very possible scenario began to flood my mind again.
Adam was going to leave me. He would find someone else no problem; another sub that would fall for the gentleness of this perfect man. The new guy would be better than me; he’d be more beautiful and have his shit together more. But most of all, he’d be around for Adam. He’d be able to satisfy Adam’s needs while I was away…
White speckles were appearing at the corners of my vision as a rushing sound filled my ears.
I was only vaguely aware of Adam calling my name in the background with increasing panic in his voice.
Then I was falling; falling to the ground.
I woke up in Adam’s arms; he was carrying me into the house.
My vision began to clear as he set me down on the couch in the living room. The rushing noise in my ears receded.
“Luke, are you with me?” he asked, looking into my eyes. He must have noticed that I was coming back to myself.
“Y-yeah…” I mumbled. But even though my body stopped reacting to my fears for now, the suspicions remained. “Could you get me a glass of water?”
“Of course,” he said, disappearing to the kitchen for a second. He returned with an ice-cold glass of water and handed it to me. The ice cubes jingled as I took it from his hand.
“What happened back there?” he asked with concern, gently running his hand through my hair.
“I—I’m not sure,” I lied, taking a sip. The cool liquid spread out in my stomach, making me shudder.
Adam noticed and reached down to the side of the couch to pick up a plush blanket. He draped it around my shoulders as I sat up.
“Please be open with me, Luke,” Adam said as he reached for my hand.
I avoided his eyes. He knew I was afraid. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what it was. My fears were so irrational and ridiculous… if I said them out loud, there was a chance that they’d become real.
“It’s… it’s nothing. Just a random anxiety attack from all of the stuff going on around me,” I said.
Adam tilted his head, regarding me suspiciously. Then he seemed to reach some kind of decision and said, “all right, maybe you should take it easy in here for a little while.”
I nodded, taking another sip of water. “I was just overstimulated, that’s all.”
“Understandable,” he said with clarity. “Do you think you’ll be okay in here by yourself for a little while? I want to be able to give you the space you need,” he said, his eye moving to the window. People outside were beginning to dance around the fire.
I knew that his cop senses were pulling him to the outdoors, so he could be there for his family. So he could make sure that none of them accidentally tripped over something and got hurt.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine here by myself, I’m going to rest for a bit,” I said through my teeth. Even though everything in me was screaming for Adam to stay, I forced myself to lie to him so that he could go be with his family. The longer he was in here with me, the more I was taking him away from them.
“Come out and join us later if you feel better. I’ll check on you in a bit,” he said with a smile, patting my hand.
“Okay,” I said lamely, gathering the blanket around me again.
And then everything in my gut twisted as I watched him walk out the door.
I didn’t know if it was my anxiety coloring my picture of reality or some kind of intuitive sense in my gut. But something told me that that wasn’t going to be the last time I had to watch Adam turn and leave.
24
Adam
I could tell something was bothering Luke that night that I carried him into the house and set him on the couch. But I didn’t want to press, because it seemed like he wanted some alone time.
He’d been through a lot the past few days, after all.
Though the next day when my family started to leave, I could tell there was still something prickling on the edges of his mind. Despite how many times I checked in with him and asked if he was okay, he brushed me off, insisting that the reason he was acting weird was because he was around so many people he didn’t know.
I was suspicious that there was more, but every time I tried to pry, he closed himself off from me and told me it was nothing.
It wasn’t such a big deal now, as there were plenty of distractions. We bid goodbye to each one of my family members as they left, seeing them off together. It was amazing to feel like I was one, singular unit with Luke, and he made me feel complete to be around him.
When my uncle left, he hugged me tightly, then clapped Luke on the shoulder. He turned to me with a wink and said, “Don’t let this one go!”
I smiled and glanced at Luke, but his eyes were on the floor. That was his tell: he was stuck in his head somewhere. But the more I tried to get him to open up, the more closed off he became.
Shuffling the fear to the back of my mind, I began to do the dishes as the rest of the guests were milling about the yard, helping clean up.
Luke was sitting
