Only, there was no way for me to open up his mind and find out what he was thinking. Any attempt to get into his head, he rebuffed me and snuggled into me more.
I tightened my hug around his body, letting the warmth of him seep into me. At least we had this connection.
“I love you, Luke,” I whispered.
“I love you too, Adam,” he responded in kind.
Then, as if father time himself was a sadist, it was finally time to drive him to the city.
“Is it time?” Luke asked, not even having to check the clock.
He must have sensed the quickening of my heart, the dread that was circulating through my body like an electric current.
“It’s time,” I said with finality.
He rolled off of me and sat on the couch next to me. “I wish I had more time with you,” he said sadly. “Everything… I can’t believe it’s ending now.”
I stiffened. Did he mean ending as in… this cuddling session together? Or the ending of our entire relationship? Not being able to see into his head, and him telling me to drop it repeatedly was like shutting me out on a cold winter’s night. I was all alone again.
As he put on his shoes getting ready to go, all I could think about was that last moment I saw Peter. Right before he jumped off that bridge and vanished into the darkness below, leaving me in the cold night.
Luke opened the front door and stepped outside into the night air.
I tightened my fists and sucked in a quick breath through my nose.
Luke turned back to me and smiled.
My expression softened.
“Come on babe, let’s listen to The Weeknd’s new album in the car on the way there.”
I brightened up, happy to delay these feelings of loss for a little longer.
* * *
An hour later, I pulled up in the circle drive next to his dorm building.
“Do you need help carrying that up?” I asked gesturing to his single suitcase in the backseat.
Luke gave me a come on, sort of look.
We both knew that I was fumbling with excuses to spend more time with him; to stretch out the last few minutes we had together in the safe bubble of summer.
It wasn’t fair that I only had him to myself for one week. Why hadn’t I gone up and talked to him the first time I’d seen him at the bookstore? If I had the courage, we could have been together for a month longer.
Luke leaned in and kissed me; a long, solemn kiss.
There was something about kisses that held a type of communication, a language all their own. They could mean different things: A ravenous I want you, or a tender I’m sorry, or a deep, sensual I love you.
But this kiss… the one that Luke was giving me here in the light of the streetlamps, was melancholy with a touch of longing. Though, there was an unmistakable emotional undertone of finality to it.
This kiss meant goodbye.
When he pulled away, it was clear that he’d understood the meaning of it as well by his solemn expression.
I tried to say something, anything to make him stay. To convince him to stay in my truck, to choose me over his ex or whatever was on his mind.
But no words came to me.
And then the opportunity was gone. He opened the door and stepped out, then opened the back door of the truck and pulled out his suitcase and messenger bag.
“I love you—” I said as he closed the door, cutting me off.
He awkwardly opened the door again, then smiled weakly and said, “I love you too!”
There was a honk behind me. I looked up into the rearview mirror and saw a line of cars stacked up behind me in the circle drive. Everyone must have been delaying coming to class this long, too.
Luke shut the door, turned around, and disappeared into the darkness of the building.
I couldn’t even cry I was so sad to see him go. Though I knew I would probably see him this weekend, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something fundamental between us had changed.
As I drove around through the campus, trying to navigate back to the freeway, I couldn’t help but think that every shadow figure I had to stop for was Luke’s ex.
I remembered his weird face clearly in my mind as if the image was branded onto my brain.
And as I got out of the university area and accelerated onto the highway, a plan began to unfold in my mind.
I was going to find out who Luke’s ex was.
* * *
When I got home, I walked through the front door and made a beeline to my office. Cracking open my work computer, I went into the database of criminals to check and see if there was a way I could narrow down the information I had.
I didn’t have a name, but I had a face and a relative age. There was a chance he was already in here on something. It was small, but it was a chance.
Sifting through everyone with even a misdemeanor, hours slugged by with no results. I was getting more and more tired, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that had imbued itself in my mind.
Even if there was a small chance Luke’s ex was in here, I had to find it.
I searched all night, unable to sleep. A few times I’d tried to get up and go into my bed, but I couldn’t stop my mind from whirring around, suggesting new ways to search.
Finally, at five-thirty in the morning, I came across a face that looked similar to the one I’d seen duck into DuPont Hall on that day we were on campus.
I leaned forward toward the screen, squinting. This guy had the same sunken-in eyes, the same nose, the same thin lips that were contorted into a scowl in the mug shot. But the hair was different: The
