My whole being focused on getting away.
I don’t pay attention to where I’m going, but I do notice the streets are weirdly empty. Barely anyone walking or driving down Main Street. Something I appreciate since I can’t deal with nosy residents sticking their noses where they don’t belong.
I stop in front of a gray building, trying to catch my breath. I have to put my hands on my thighs to help me catch my breath. I don’t think I’ve run that far, but I’m out of breath as if I’ve ran a marathon.
Once my breathing has turned to normal, I straighten and look around me.
Shock filters through my body when I realize I’m standing in front of the assisted living building. I wonder why my body brought me here.
I don’t have to wonder long though when a frail voice yells at me, “Girl, what are you doing out here in the cold staring at the freaking building?”
“Gram,” I say, unsure if she can even hear me.
“Come inside already, Montana. Before you catch a cold in these freezing temperatures.” As soon as she says this, and I can hear the concern in her voice despite the ornery tone, I realize why I came here.
Gram, despite being grouchy, has never judged me. She’s the only one I know for sure won’t do so after what happened with Kade.
I realize I’m freezing as I walk toward her holding the door open for me. I follow her inside the common room, her pace brisk despite the walker she’s using. I let her lead me to the couches in the corner, not saying a word, and sit down on one that’s slightly hidden by some kind of plant next to it.
She sits in the seat next to me, turning sideways she commences to study me. I look around, trying to avoid making eye contact with her, when a warm blanket is suddenly thrown over my legs. My eyes snap to Gram’s. Hers are kind, like she knows something isn’t right with me.
“Child, what’s going on?” Her voice is gentle, something that brings me to tears. Not many people have ever been overly gentle with me.
“It’s too much,” I say before I lean forward and bury my face in my hands.
“What’s too much?”
“Everything.” I don’t want to elaborate. I want to disappear and never think about any of this ever again, like the coward I wish I could turn into. The longer the silence stretches between us, the more I feel compelled to confide in her. “This town. Being here. Wayne. Kade.” I shrug, unsure how to put what I feel into actual sentences that make sense.
“You do realize that made little sense, right?”
I sigh, deep and long, and try to collect my thoughts. “I know. It’s just… being here is overwhelming. I hate how everyone is staring at me whenever I’m out, like they’re waiting for me to somehow mess up, and they don’t want to miss the show once it happens.” I groan when I realize I’ve given them just that not ten minutes ago.
She places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes while she prompts me, “How about you start from the beginning.”
So, I do. I tell her what happened since I called my father for help. How I overheard Kade bad-mouth me to Lizzie behind my back. How we kept throwing barbs at each other until it kind of exploded at that dinner when I met Lauren, who I thought was his girlfriend. I tell her how it all changed yesterday when Kade came by and the power went out. That he apologized for his behavior and one thing led to another.
Gram doesn’t say a word during the story, and I don’t look at her because I’m afraid to see her reaction to some of the details. Not that I elaborate on anything too intimate, but I’m still keenly aware she’s Kade’s grandmother.
“And then at breakfast, when Wayne and Lizzie showed up and they could tell we”—I throw one of my hands up—“you know, I couldn’t deal with their condescension I’m sure is still to come my way.”
“What?” Gram’s confused exclamation doesn’t register in my mind, so I keep going. Letting everything out—all the ugly shit I keep thinking about.
“For once, I just wanted to enjoy being good enough, being chosen by someone. Not having to worry they’ll figure out I’m not worth it. I didn’t want to be confronted by the knowledge that he can do so much better. Someone who’s not this messed up. Not this fucking broken.” My voice wavers on the last word, but I push through my emotions, suddenly unable to stop. “I didn’t want my own father, my dad, to tell the first man I feel more than mild interest for how wrong I am for him.
“I have Veronika tell me that on a daily basis already. I can’t bear to hear my father think the same thing, even though he probably does. I don’t want to hear from him how I’m a burden and destroy everyone’s life. How he wishes they’d gotten an abortion to get rid of the mistake I am, like she does.”
The dark thoughts rattle around in the cage of my past, not letting me out of their grasp. I’m so deep into my own personal nightmare I haven’t paid attention to anything around me but the words leaving the deepest, darkest corners of my repressed consciousness.
It’s not until a collective gasp reverberates through the nearly empty room that I realize with heavy trepidation I’m no longer with only Gram. I can feel their presence, and I’m mortified they heard what I just confided to Gram. The vilest things I promised myself I’d bury
