Watching him trying to cram his big body into my space—an area little more than a bathroom cubicle in size—is somewhere between laughable, and hot as hell. He jostles one leg in, then the other, crouching down to avoid the rock poking out above him on his side. My mind moves back and forth, finding his movements hilarious, but every time I take note of his long legs, or his biceps moving under his white hoodie, I suppress the craving I feel in my gut. Observing him trying to enter my space has washed away the anger which was aflame.
I watch Casper carefully as he swallows, looking around the tight space. His profile is strong, manly, but his eyes are vulnerable. Biting my lip, I close my eyes and chastise myself. I’ve been angry with him for what? For not saying he’s gay? For not admitting how he feels? What right do I have to demand he tells me what’s going on inside his head, or his heart? It took me long enough to come to terms with who I am, and even longer to admit it to the world. Casper might not even know what he wants. Who he wants. He might not even know who he is.
“I was out when you texted. A party.” He looks away from me, toward the waves slithering onto the shore. “I wasn’t feeling it.” He shrugs. “Figured I’d swing by, and see if you were okay.”
Laying back on my rock, I return my gaze to the stars, grateful because unlike Casper I have a clear view above me on my side. “When I’m here, everything is peaceful, nothing can hurt me.” I’m not sure why I need him to understand the significance of this place and how it feeds my soul, but I do.
Casper leans to one side, dodging the rock above him and looks up at the sky. “I get it,” he whispers.
“So, why weren’t you feeling the party? No girls interest you?” I pry.
His head jerks back sharply and collides with the rock. I wince as he cusses, rubbing his temple, then I try not to laugh as he throws a few more fucks into the air. “Not funny, Reigns,” he snaps, and I grin outright. His eyes move to my mouth like they always seem to do, and even in the darkness, I can see his appetite. He checks himself almost instantly. Shaking his head in denial maybe? “I’m not into sloppy seconds. Most of the girls there have already been with someone else from the football team,” he explains. It’s a rehearsed line—I know them, I’ve used them. I’m just not sure why he’s using it on me, especially after our kiss.
“Right,” I answer blandly. “So, no one’s caught your eye?”
His eyes flit to me then the floor, and he rubs his forehead. “Naa.”
We sit in the quiet, and I think about all the things I wish I could do. All the ways I wish I could express my inner voice.
“I’m good, okay?” I tell him, finally letting the truth sink in, that he might never feel how I do.
“Good?” he replies.
“I don’t know how you feel, Casper. When I was coming to terms with who I am, I felt restless. There was all this noise inside me, it was almost crushing. I thought when I let it go, I would crumble, but I didn’t. Instead, I freed myself,” I tell him sitting up and leaning forward. “I know how hard it is. How scary it is… to let go.” I smile at him sadly, looking over his face, his amber eyes shine in the moonlight. His hair pokes out from his hoodie, hanging slightly in his eyes. “You might never be where I am. I’m comfortable with myself now. And Casper, I’m happy to have you as a friend. That’s enough for me,” I lie. I know I’m breaking a little inside, but I don’t want my feelings to be placed on his shoulders. It’s not fair. He has to figure it out on his own, in his own way. He has to do it on his own terms.
Standing, I smile down at him. “I’m heading home, you’re free to go back to the party,” I say, getting up and taking a few steps down toward the beach.
“Wait.” He rushes, standing carefully, to miss the rock. He takes three long strides until he’s firmly in my space.
Our faces are so close, our mouths merely a couple of inches apart. “What?”
Casper shocks the shit out of me when he gently cups my cheek with his hand, and his eyes move over my face like it’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. “I know what I want. I’ve known what I wanted for enough time that I should apologize for my behavior.” His thumb strokes across my cheek. “I thought… maybe I would lose the people in my life I love… my family, my friends. It just took me a little longer to understand.”
“Understand?” My voice wobbles with emotion.
“That my mom, my uncle, my cousin will always support me. The rest of my family can fall in line… or not.” He shrugs. “I’ve been here for two months now,
