“I told you her husband came home, found out about her addiction, and divorced her. He took Tammy. What I haven’t told you before was that he wouldn’t let me near her, even though I loved her so much. He said I was as untrustworthy as my mother because I had covered for her instead of telling him. That wasn’t fair, I was just a teenager who spread herself too thin, but he didn’t see it that way. My mother convinced me that the only way to see Tammy again was to support her fight for custody. I gave her all my savings and the small college fund from my grandparents to help pay for a divorce lawyer. I worked to pay the bills for both of us. And when that money was gone, she tried to get me to help her with a scam to get more. I refused because I didn’t want to be mixed up in illegal stuff, and she kicked me out. Now that the baby was gone, and I refused to help with her schemes, I was worthless to her. A burden.” She gritted her teeth. “She told me she had only needed a babysitter, a nanny.”
“I’m so sorry.” Jess reached for her, and in the darkness, it took a few fumbling tries until she held Lena’s hand.
“It was a long time ago. I’m over it.” If she repeated it often enough, maybe one day Lena would believe it and the pain would recede. Today wasn’t that day.
“It’s a cruel thing to say, and I’m still sorry your mother hurt you like that.” Jess’s fingers traced Lena’s knuckles. The touch was soft and mesmerizing. “Do you still see her?”
“No, she’s tried to reestablish contact a few times over the last ten years, but it always turned out she needed something. Money or a place to stay. The first few times, I was stupid and believed her apologies until I learned my lesson not to trust her. That’s the main reason for my debt problem. She writes sometimes from prison, but I ignored her letters.” Lena could have stopped here but she wanted to be honest with Jess. “I ignored her because I was still angry and couldn’t deal with it. Last week, I accepted a call for the first time in years. After freaking out on you, I realized I had to learn to let go of the anger and forgive her.”
“How was the call? Did it help?” Jess grip never wavered.
“I think so, yes. I’m more sad than angry now. But it’ll be a long way. And I don’t think I’ll ever fully trust her again.” As she said it out loud, something clicked.
Lena had taken the lesson to heart and stopped trusting everyone. At least with her financial security and her heart. First Maggie had broken through her safety wall and then Ella and now Jess… Jess wanted her trust, but she wasn’t sure she could give her heart again.
“And here I am, thinking saying I’m sorry will magically make everything right again.” Jess snorted. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m still sorry, but I understand if you can’t trust my apology. I basically asked you the same thing as your mother did.”
True, Lena had reacted as if it was the same, but really, it wasn’t. “You couldn’t know.”
“No.” Jess’s voice was hoarse, and she cleared her throat. “But I still didn’t listen to what you wanted.”
“It’s not the same. You were honest. You offered me a job—without hidden motives—and she ensnared me with the promise of a family when she just wanted a cheap babysitter.”
Jess’s hand trembled in hers. “It was the right decision not to accept the job. I was thinking more about my needs than yours.”
Here it was, the reason why Lena didn’t trust. Everyone followed their own selfish path, and Jess had admitted she wasn’t different from anyone else.
But was Lena any better? If she was being honest with herself, and this evening seemed to be all about honesty, she didn’t live here for the convenience of a nice house. She enjoyed Maggie’s friendship because she took Lena seriously and accepted her as she was. Ella was healing the hole in her heart Tammy had torn. And Jess…they had helped each other, and both giving and receiving support had meant more to Lena than what she expressed on the surface.
Lena’s actions and thoughts were laced with hidden meanings too and motives that weren’t always clear to her, but that didn’t mean she wanted to take advantage of others. So why should it be different with Jess and her motives?
Lena intertwined their fingers. Jess’s hand was warm and soft, vibrating with strength and energy, and holding it seemed right. “Thank you for apologizing. Again. And I’m sorry for freaking out on you. That wasn’t fair.”
“Maybe…” Jess cleared her throat. “Maybe we could work on being more open with each other.”
Here was the rollercoaster again, propelling her from fear to hope and back in a matter of seconds. With all the whiplash, Lena’s thoughts reeled. But there was only one answer she wanted to give. “Yes.”
If it was up to Jess, she could sit here all night holding hands, but she had promised to respect Lena’s boundaries. She reluctantly removed her hand from their clasp, and the coolness of the evening descended on her. She shivered. “I’d better go and leave you to your evening. Enjoy the wine.”
“Why don’t you stay and share it with me?” Lena’s voice was soft and welcome as a summer breeze.
“I’d love to.” For a moment, they both sipped their wine wordlessly as if it really was the reason they sat together. It was excellent but not the source of the giddy feeling that bubbled inside of Jess. Lena had not only listened to her and accepted her apology