“Let me get some light.” Lena disappeared in the house and returned with two candles.
The flickering light reminded Jess of the massages, and a twinge of arousal sparked deep inside of her. Don’t go there.
Jess searched for a topic that would distract her. “Mom said you’re thinking about moving? Is it true?”
Lena sighed and swirled her wine. “No. It was a childish impulse to run away. Everything is complicated, and I’m afraid of mixing up all the aspects of my life with your family, but I’ll manage. First I was Maggie’s friend, but now I work for her, and she’s even helping me to get into a course at the university. And for the last few months, you’ve taken over most of my free time. Not that I’m complaining. A lot of great things came out of it. I got to know and love your daughter, and teaching you tai chi helped me too. And now we have this friends-with-benefits thing going on…” Lena sighed again, her gaze on the red liquid. “I don’t think it’s working for me.”
Disappointment soured the wine in her stomach. Jess put the glass on the table; it was too heavy to hold. She dropped her hands to her lap, and her gaze followed them. Not a courtship, then. “I’m sorry. We said this was about having fun, and if you aren’t enjoying it anymore, I won’t bother you again.”
“You’re not bothering me. I’m having problems maintaining my boundaries with everything else going on, and maybe some distance would help so I don’t confuse all these emotions and get too attached.” Lena’s tone was even and light as if they were talking about her work or anything else without deeper meaning.
Jess nearly missed the slight hitch in the last word. She looked up. What was Lena saying? Had Lena just told her she was getting too attached? A lightness filled Jess’s middle as if all her burdens had been removed. “Lena?”
Lena’s lip trembled, and her eyes were wide with fear of something. Or someone.
The last thing Jess wanted was to be the cause of even more pain for Lena. “I will respect every boundary you set. But I have a confession to make.” She swallowed and forced herself to hold Lena’s gaze. Fear of making herself vulnerable rattled inside her like a coiled snake about to bite. But she trusted Lena. “I guess I’m not doing so great with the boundaries of friends-with-benefits either. I have problems staying away from you. When I’m not here, I think of you all the time. And your opinion means much more to me than it should if we were just friends. I get all warm and tingly when I see you, and when you smile at me, my knees get weak. You’re the most beautiful, warm, and caring person I’ve ever met, and I’m already more than attached to you. I’m falling for you.”
“Oh.” Lena’s mouth hung open, and she stared at Jess with a dazed expression as if she’d witnessed a miracle and couldn’t yet decide if it was a good or bad thing.
Jess’s heartbeat thundered as fast and hard as it had three months ago when she’d collapsed. But this time her heart wasn’t failing but fueled by hope and anticipation. When Lena didn’t answer, a hole seemed to open up beneath Jess, but she refused to let it swallow her. “As I said, I’ll respect whatever you want. And I won’t hang around here and stalk you or anything. If you want me to keep my distance, I’ll leave this part of the garden to you. If you want us to remain just friends, I’ll deal with my feelings and won’t ever bring it up again. I can certainly see why you wouldn’t want me as more than a friend.” Jess opened her hand to tick the points off on her fingers. “I’m a single mother without much time to give. Actually, I don’t know what I can give. Money, maybe, but everything else… My body isn’t in the best shape after the pregnancy. I’ve been a selfish idiot. I’m—”
“Stop it!” Lena put her glass on the table so fast the wine nearly spilled over and jumped up. She stepped closer into Jess’s personal space. Her eyes burned with fierce determination as her gaze swept all over Jess, then she cupped Jess’s face and bent down to kiss her.
Before Jess could lean into the kiss, it was already over.
Lena drew back to look into her eyes but kept her hands in Jess’s hair.
This assertiveness was new and totally hot. Jess licked her lips.
“You have a lot to give, and money is the least interesting part of you.” Lena’s hands tensed slightly. “I’m constantly fighting the feeling that I’m not worthy, that emotional attachment is always temporary and conditional, and that everyone will leave me as soon as I open up. But I don’t want to fight this fight anymore.”
“We both fear the same things.”
“Yes. We’re both afraid of rejection.” Lena massaged Jess’s scalp.
Her scent enveloped Jess, and she fought to keep her eyes open. She wanted to sink into Lena’s embrace and let go. But it was important Lena dictated the pace.
Lena kissed her lightly on the mouth. “Do you want to be courageous together?”
“Yes.” Jess kissed her back. “Yes, yes, yes.” It was only a chaste and short meeting of their lips, but it was filled with reassurance and the promise of tomorrow.
Lena gave the desk chair on her porch a fond pat on her way back inside after her morning workout. Last night, the oversized chair had been worth every hour she’d spent sanding and painting the wood. It had proven to not only be sturdy but surprisingly comfortable for two people sitting on each other’s laps and making out for hours.
Jess had eventually
