“Yes?” she asked. “I mean, hello, Evie, sorry. I didn’t hear you coming.”
“I did call out. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I just wanted to say hello, since I’ve not seen you in the past day.”
“Well, yes, hello. I did wonder if you were all right. You must’ve come in late last night. You weren’t with Jos all that time, surely?”
“Oh no. Well, I mean, I was, but not alone. We visited some friends of hers, sisters. Suzanne and Sarah Flint.”
“Oh yes, of course. Well, they seem like nice girls, if a little dull. I hope you had a nice time. I was late in myself.” Lilian was still standing awkwardly but she had unconsciously shifted a little to her right, revealing more of the surface of her dressing table.
Evelyn could not help but look to see what it was she had been trying to hide, even while she answered. “Yes, I had a nice time. It’s good to meet new people—I can’t always rely on your friends, can I?” Evelyn smiled, hoping that sentiment wouldn’t displease Lilian. Then her smile froze as she finally made out what Lilian had been hiding. On the dressing table lay a small glass syringe, with metal fittings. She could not help but stare in horror.
Lilian saw her expression change and followed her eyeline. Evelyn looked from the syringe, to Lilian’s slightly panicked expression, to the crook of Lilian’s left arm. There, against her pale skin, was the tiniest trace of fresh blood. Lilian saw where she was looking and clasped her right hand to the place.
“Whatever’s wrong with you?” she demanded of Evelyn, kindness gone from her voice. “Haven’t you seen someone injecting medicine before? I got it from my doctor today.”
Although it was not something she’d ever expected to encounter in real life, Evelyn was not so lacking in knowledge of the world that she did not know about drugs. There had been famous cases in the newspapers of actresses dying from taking too much, talk of the terrible influence of drugs on soldiers during the war. She was certain that opium and cocaine were now illegal because of their danger and ability to alter the mind. And because they had led to a dangerous black market trade. Suddenly, Evelyn saw Lilian in a new light. To imagine her as part of that dark, dangerous world was difficult but not impossible. A woman so selfish would surely do anything to fulfil her own needs. She stared at Lilian, finding herself beginning to pity her.
“I don’t think it is medicine,” she said carefully.
“And what would you know?” Lilian retorted. “You’d never even come across gin, let along cocaine.”
“Is that what it is, cocaine?” Evelyn asked. “I have heard of that. I’ve heard that it can kill you.”
“Oh, don’t be daft. It only kills you if you take too much. You should try it. You’ve never felt anything like it.” Lilian smiled now, but it was not a happy smile.
“I don’t want to feel anything like it,” Evelyn returned. “And I don’t think you should too. Even if you think it’s safe, isn’t it illegal?”
Lilian laughed. “They only made it illegal because of the war. It’s not like I’m a criminal. And plenty of people are doing it these days. It makes you feel so good. And God knows, we need that rush, don’t we? You know it too, Evie. When you want to feel something more intense, fill that gap inside you. You don’t know what it is, but then you find it…Well, this is how I find it. It helps me see how bright the world is, after all those dark, ghastly war years.”
“But there are other ways to find that feeling,” Evelyn replied, remembering how she felt in Jos’s arms, wanting for nothing.
“Ha! The cocktails and gin are nothing on this. And ciggies I barely notice. What else do you suggest? Don’t even think about sex! There’s really nothing emptier than two people rubbing body parts against each other for a momentary thrill. Not that you’d know. I don’t know why I’m explaining myself to you, anyway.” Lilian’s tone suddenly became dismissive. “Who made you the police?”
Evelyn’s heart was heavy. She did not want to argue with Lilian, nor did she want to enter into a discussion about the best way to find fulfilment. All of a sudden, there was a darkness in this so very modern London world she had not stopped to look for. She felt her lack of experience again. Of course it could not all be bright colours and a life lived quickly, full of passion. Below the glittering surface was something altogether more sinister. Here was where the desperation lurked, the driving force that made them all—Evelyn included—try to burn brighter and longer, with more intensity. She suspected Dorothy might have had words for it, that longing, that need, but she did not have them herself. Only she understood it now. Lilian had lived through the pain of loss, seen her world destroyed by war, every bit as much as Evelyn had. Evelyn’s escape had been to move to London, to seek a more complex and passionate life. Lilian had already had that life, but she numbed the pain with jazz and fashion and gin, she sang and drank and socialised. But eventually even that was not enough to escape the shadows, so she ran at a pace that was unsustainable without those drugs that now kept her so bright. Evelyn saw it clearly now, but wished she did not.
“I’m not the police,” Evelyn said in the end. “And you must do as you like, of course. It’s only that it seems awfully dangerous.”
“I’ll be careful, Evie, don’t worry about me.” Lilian smiled now, but Evelyn sensed a change in her, as if the warm friendship they had been acting out had begun to dissolve.
“All right,” Evelyn said, keen to end this rather hostile encounter. Ultimately, she still
