His father had also inculcated into Alan the belief that, “You have to get on on your own and take care of business. You have to.” Alan took this to mean, “I have no support and I must do it on my own.” His dad taught him, “The door is wide going in and narrow coming out.” By that he meant that it is easy to get in a bad situation but hard to get out of it. Coming from this domineering and violent father, Alan took these beliefs to heart. To Alan the world was not a friendly warm place, but a hostile enemy against which he had to constantly battle in order to survive.
Alan described his mother as “a very mean person.” She was “always making fun of people and putting them down.” As with all children, Alan personalized this by thinking, “If I do anything wrong, then I will be made fun of.” Alan summarized his world: “I lived my life on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop.” He viewed his world as a mean, terrible, fearful and violent place that he was powerless to deal with.
If you take all those emotions that Alan experienced and embody them in the chest, throat and jaw – you have a block.
On one occasion Alan exclaimed, “The little kid (himself as a child) is getting back at his parents by being obstinate by stuttering. Everything else in my life is out of control so I will show them that I can control my speech by stuttering and they can’t do anything about it. When I stutter, I embarrass them.”
People who grow up in a violent, insecure, fearful, world, tend to generalize and assume that the entire world is similar to that one they grew up in. I have found that many PWS view the world as a place where “people are out to get them.” Several of my clients have spoken with great fear about how “people are watching me to take advantage of me.” To such people the world is an unfriendly place and they have few resources to deal with it. These beliefs usually spring from having a childhood like Alan’s. Let me repeat that I have never worked with a PWS whose problems behind their fears did not originate in childhood – and that applies to mental-emotional problems in general.Using outdated maps
Sam employs some beliefs about life which “support” his fearful behaviour. For example, that “Marriage is the end of love because it creates a miserable life” comes directly from his childhood experiences of his parent’s fighting. When I provided him with a counter example of my wife and I who have been happily married for 38 years, he responded with his belief from childhood, “That is not ‘real’.” In other words, my “evidence” didn’t count. It did not work because I wasn’t speaking to an adult – I was speaking to a “temporary” child in an adult’s body, and that child could not conceive of a happy marriage even one right in front of him. Operating off a childhood map fails to provide an accurate perception of the present reality that the person is living in.
How do we develop such limiting beliefs about our relationships with others? We know that they are learned and reinforced over time. As infants we are obviously totally dependent on caregivers to provide for our needs. In growing up we move from dependence to independence as we develop a richer sense of self. However, we need a secure foundation in order to mature into a healthy adult. In those early years we need a secure environment and must experience unconditional love by bonding with our parents. Without that, we grow up like Sally, feeling isolated and fearful of other people. Sally learned that adults were dangerous and were to be avoided. Thus she felt a need to be invisible. Had Sally had a loving and accepting mother, supported by a loving and supportive father, Sally would not have feared social settings so much. And Sally, in all likelihood, would not have grown up blocking. Remember that she embodied those negative emotions from the lack of bonding and unconditional love in her throat and jaw. Meaning frames about self
If you have worked with PWS, you have probably frequently heard their beliefs about their blocking. Often the PWS is not consciously aware of the thought patterns that create that rich web of associations in their model of the world. One thought leads to another, and to another, and very soon the PWS is deeply enmeshed in a debilitating frame of meaning. For example:
When I make a phone call I get nervous. When I get nervous I have the thought, “I bet I will block.” Why do I always do this? Why can’t I stop? I know I will block. I always have. Let me see. What do I need to say when I make that call? What words can I use that I won’t block on …?
Having got this far, it is hard to turn back. But turn back they must. Your task is to find ways of intervening that will help them do that.Being in control
PWS commonly say that they feel out of control with their speech. This contributes mightily to their fearing how others perceive them, because they certainly cannot control what other people think. The need to control is paramount to a person who blocks.
Here is Betty’s story:
My parents got divorced when I was six months old. I only saw my father on the weekends. He remarried, and his second wife had two children from her previous marriage.
