‘Women understand. We may share experiences, make jokes, paint pictures, and describe humiliations that mean nothing to men, but women understand. The odd thing about these deep and personal connections of women is that they often ignore barriers of age, economics, worldly experience, race, culture – all the barriers that, in male or mixed society, had seemed so difficult to cross.’
Gloria Steinem
2
Friendships: making you happy and healthy
I learnt what friendship is from my big sister, Leanne. The ultimate best friend, her honesty, kindness, loyalty and empathy know no bounds and have set a very high bar for any female friends in my life. From a young age, I expected people to make me feel the same way my sister did: safe, respected, cherished and entertained.
The next lesson I received in friendship was at school; when boys and girls could be friends but a game of kiss chase could confuse matters. My final childhood education on what I should expect from friendships came from books. Everything from Winnie-the-Pooh to The Famous Five gave me a clear idea of what friendship should be: adventures, moral support, fun and someone to lift you up when you’re down.
I vividly remember Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables novels and reading about Anne’s best friend, Diana Barry, described as her ‘bosom friend’ and ‘a kindred spirit’. It was the first time I had read something akin to sisterhood.
The Japanese have a term, kenzoku, which translated literally means ‘family’. It suggests a bond between people who have a deep connection of friendship, who’ve made a similar commitment to each other and lived a shared history. Your closest friends, I learnt from a young age, should be the family you choose for yourself.
How do we find friends?
I wanted to find out how many people we meet in our lifetime and find out the number of potential friends we each have. Some say 10,000 while others estimate it could be up to 80,000 people! Whatever the exact number, you’re going to meet a lot more people that you don’t end up being friends with than you do. So when it comes to making friends, here are my key ingredients…
History
There’s a good reason why we stay in touch with people from school or university. You spend hours chatting about all the hilarious times you had together, reminiscing over the highs and lows, sharing memories and gossiping about where people are now. Beyond that, you might not have as much in common as you did when you swapped marbles and course notes. History can end up being the solid foundation of a good friendship.
Shared interests
If you’re going to spend time with someone, it’s clearly important that you like doing some of the same things – and a shared passion is always a good way to kick-start a friendship. Whether it’s sport, films, politics, music or books, having a pastime you’re both passionate about means you’ll never run out of things to discuss.
Common values
I’ve met people who are 100 per cent my type on paper, but then they come out with a statement that stops me in my tracks. A homophobic aside, a sweeping generalization about the LGBTQ+ community, language I would never use to describe people of colour – and all respect goes out the window. Shared values and a moral code are the pillars of any friendship.
Equality
There has to be equality in a friendship – equal amounts of time sharing your good news and bad. Naturally, the need to be there for each other will ebb and flow, and life can throw a spanner (or a whole toolbox) in the works every now and again, but conversational hijackers must not be tolerated. If you only hear from someone when they need something, they are not a true friend.
A commitment to your happiness
Truth-tellers. ‘Don’t have a fringe cut, they just don’t suit you.’ ‘He seems a great guy but since you’ve been with him you always talk about the issues you’re having rather than the joy.’ ‘I love going out with you but you are a messy drunk at the end of the night and it spoils my fun.’ The people who deliver opinions honestly but with kindness.
Being a good influence
They motivate you and bring out the best in you. Good friends challenge you to take risks and encourage you to fulfil your potential. They don’t egg you on, don’t mock you or belittle you in front of others. They are your best cheerleader.
Friendship is good for your health
We all know how important friendship can be – but it literally can be a lifesaver. In recent decades, there have been some groundbreaking studies into the importance of friendship and the impact it can have on our lives – and the dangers a lack of bonds and connections can have too.
In 2002, two women scientists at UCLA published a study on friendship among women, which claimed that stress can trigger a chemical reaction that causes women to make and maintain friendships with other women rather than triggering a fight-or-flight response. Previously, it was believed that men and women reacted to stress in the same way, but researchers believe that oxytocin is released as part of the stress response in women, which buffers the fight-or-flight response and, instead of preparing to fight or flee, encourages women to look after children and gather with other women instead. The action of ‘tending or befriending’ releases more oxytocin, which continues to calm the feelings of stress.
According to Drs Klein and Taylor, this calming response doesn’t occur in men, because they produce high levels of testosterone under stress, which reduces the effect of oxytocin. So, when it comes to stress, ‘Men walk, women talk.’
‘I still have friends from primary school. And my two best girlfriends are from secondary school. I don’t have to explain anything
