Emma Watson
‘There’s no doubt that friends are helping us live longer,’ Dr Klein has said. When women are feeling stressed they are more likely to turn to a female friend for comfort than walk away and say nothing. Sound familiar? I know in times of stress I’ll put in an emergency call to a friend who’ll soothe me with words of wisdom, offer gentle solutions or just listen as I offload.
In one 2017 study in America, researchers found that lonely people had a 50 per cent increased risk of early death, and in another study, those who had the most friends over a nine-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60 per cent.
According to a continuing study by Nurses’ Health Study at Harvard Medical School that started in 1976, the more friends a woman had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged. They were also more likely to be leading a joyful life. Research has shown that people with good friends often feel happier, less stressed and more like they belong than those without, and it’s unsurprising to find experts saying that having a strong network of friends also increases self-confidence.
These researchers have also found that not having close friends or confidants is as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight! Social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate and cholesterol. People also take cues from their friends who exercise or eat well to lose weight and develop healthy habits, as claimed by a highly publicized 2007 study.
A study published in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry showed that increasing your level of social connection can protect your future mental health. We read so many articles about what we can do for our physical health, but an afternoon with our friends could be crucial to our mental health now and in the future.
A 2010 review of 148 studies found that people who felt less socially connected had more risk of early death than those who smoked, drank or were obese. Therapeutic programmes that focus on building social connectedness are effective in treating depression, anxiety and schizophrenia; and people who make new social group connections are less likely to develop depression.
The New Zealand Attitudes and Values Study (NZAVS) showed that, when a person’s level of social connection goes down, they experience worse mental health a year later. However, there is some good news: the influence of social connectedness on mental health over time was about three times stronger than the other way around – the more social someone was, the more improved their mental health. All the more reason to spend time with the friends who make you happiest.
‘My definition of a friend is somebody who adores you even though they know the things you’re most ashamed of.’
Jodie Foster
The Friendship Formula survey...
What traits do you look for in a friend?
‘Kindness, honesty and fun.’
‘Being reliable, understanding, clever, funny, enthusiastic and silly.’
‘A good listener but doesn’t judge. Someone who I can laugh with, but am not embarrassed to cry with.’
‘No drama, fun, loyalty.’
‘Trust, ability to listen, awareness of their own faults, sense of humour and no judgement.’
‘Honesty, loyalty and acceptance.’
The Friendship Formula survey was conducted in 2019.
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How to make friends
Stereotypes are lazy. When meeting someone new, it’s too easy to stick labels all over them in some kind of Post-it-note-type frenzy. We can often be too quick to judge by appearance, accent or gender. We make assumptions about people based on the company they keep and where they work. Have a conversation and you might be surprised at how much you actually have in common. So when it comes to making new friends, keep an open mind and an open heart…
How to attract true friends
First rule: be the person you’d like to be friends with! You’ll attract the people who share the traits you find the most appealing. Pursue your passions. Spend time doing what you like and you’ll meet the right people for you along the way.
Making friends as an adult can be hard. When we’re kids, it seems so easy. Our subconscious bias hasn’t fully developed, and as long as the other kid is willing to share, we’re friends – whether it’s for two minutes in the park or for life. But finding new friends when you’re older can be trickier.
A 2018 study from the University of Kansas revealed that time spent together is everything. Associate professor of communication studies, Jeffrey Hall, found that two people need to share fifty hours’ worth of face time to turn from acquaintances to casual friends. After ninety hours spent together two people can become friends. They have to hit 200 hours together to qualify as close friends.
Spending 200 hours together doesn’t actually mean you’re guaranteed to become best friends. ‘When you spend time joking around, having meaningful conversations, catching up with one another, all of these types of communication episodes contribute to speedier friendship development,’ Dr Hall has said. ‘You have to invest. It’s clear that many adults don’t feel they have a lot of time, but these relationships are not going to develop just by wanting them. You have to prioritize time with people.’
And hours spent working together doesn’t count as much as quality time spent socializing. ‘When people transition between stages, they’ll double or triple the amount of time they spend with that other person in three weeks’ time,’ Dr Hall explained. ‘We have to put that time in. You can’t snap your fingers and make a friend. Maintaining close relationships is the most important work we do in our lives – most people on their deathbeds agree.’
As you get older, you’ll probably find yourself with fewer close friends. A study in Finland in 2016 found that both men and women
