THE FRIENDSHIP
FORMULA
THE
FRIENDSHIP
FORMULA
Caroline Millington
AN ANIMA BOOK
www.headofzeus.com
This is an Anima book, first published in the UK in 2019 by Head of Zeus Ltd
Copyright © Caroline Millington, 2019
The moral right of Caroline Millington to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN (HB): 9781788545402
ISBN (E): 9781788545419
Author photo © Nicky Johnstone
Head of Zeus Ltd
First Floor East
5–8 Hardwick Street
London EC1R 4RG
WWW.HEADOFZEUS.COM
In loving memory of Katie Haines
Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter 1 • What is the Friendship Formula?
Chapter 2 • Friendships: making you happy and healthy
Chapter 3 • How to make friends
Chapter 4 • The friendship circle
Chapter 5 • Best friends forever
Chapter 6 • Work friends and foes
Chapter 7 • Letting go of a friend
Chapter 8 • Toxic fallouts
Chapter 9 • The death of a friend
Chapter 10 • The parent trap
Chapter 11 • Just good friends?
Chapter 12 • Social media mates and meeting IRL
Chapter 13 • Loneliness and choosing to be alone
Associations and more information
Contributors
Thank yous
About the Author
About Anima
1
What is the Friendship Formula?
What makes a best friend? How do you cut out toxic people from your life? Who are the people you should surround yourself with to make you happy? Friendship feels like it should be easy, but the reality can be very different. If life was a pie chart, work and sleep would carve out big triangles, leaving you with a finite number of hours for family and friends – and deciding who you spend your precious free time with can sometimes feel more complicated than long division.
In my first book, Kindfulness, I wrote: ‘Ultimately, we deserve to surround ourselves with cheerleaders, with people who support us, believe in us and are there in the good times and the bad. I think people fall into two categories: drains and radiators – they either suck us of energy and emotion or radiate warmth and love.’ The Friendship Formula applies the concept of kindfulness1 to friendship, in order to make sure you’re getting the most out of all your relationships. It will help you to look at the drains and radiators in your life, and all the types of friendship in between. From who deserves to be in your close circle of friends to why friends are good for your health and how to cope with toxic fallouts.
As friends are the family we choose for ourselves, and female friendship feels more important than ever, the Friendship Formula celebrates the nurturing relationships we build together and helps us to cope when friendships break down. The basis of friendship – what we expect from friends and the way we deserve to be treated – is not bound by gender, sexuality, race or religion.
We’ll be exploring the main aspects of friendship: the good, the bad and the ugly. The rise of the ‘frenemy’ and how to call them out on their behaviour; what to do if a friend ‘ghosts’ you; surviving friendship betrayal; and how falling in love and parenthood can impact on friendships. Can men and women ever just be good friends? Can you be friends with an ex? Is it ever a good idea to be friends with benefits? And the heartbreaking grief felt when a friend dies.
I hope the Friendship Formula will leave you wanting to tell your best friends how much you love and appreciate them, while accepting that some friendships naturally come to an end and the best thing to do is to let go and move on.
In Kindfulness I suggested you take a personal development review to look at all aspects of your life. You can use the Friendship Formula as an opportunity to do the same with your friendships. Just like Marie Kondo, the Japanese organizing consultant, has got us all going through our wardrobes, books and kitchen utensils (I mean, how many wooden spoons do we actually need?!), we should apply the same principles to our social circle.
Take ten minutes now to think about which friends bring you joy – the ones you want to spend more time with; who’s lurking at the back of your closet, forgotten, and needs thanking for the lessons they’ve taught you before putting in your ‘no longer bring me joy’ pile?; and which mates need ‘waking up’?
Hopefully, the Friendship Formula will help you look at the people around you, cherish the ones who bring you the most happiness, end those relationships which aren’t good for you, motivate you to be open to meeting new people, and show you that spending time alone should be celebrated, not feared.
Ten Friendship Formula rules
1. Be the friend you wish to have.
2. Ditch toxic friends immediately and without hesitation.
3. Invest in the friendships that bring you the most joy and let others go with gratitude for the lessons they taught you.
4. Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and love by all your friends.
5. Recognize that falling in love and having children change friendships – but when you truly love a friend, you adapt and find the positives.
6. Accept that it’s OK to let a friendship go, guilt-free, if it’s run its course.
7. Love bomb your closest friends often and without reason.
8. Make the most of your work wives and husbands – they will make your work environment a happier place to be and can help develop your career.
9. Never hold onto a friendship out of a sense of duty.
10. Learn to enjoy your own company and find the positives in spending time alone.
1 Kindfulness is blending mindfulness with being kind to yourself. Simply, remembering to treat yourself with kindness in
