‘We come from homes far from perfect, so you end up almost parent and sibling to your friends – your own chosen family. There’s nothing like a really loyal, dependable, good friend. Nothing.’
Jennifer Aniston
The elusive ‘F Factor’
We’ve established that spending time together creates close bonds and can turn an acquaintance into a close friend, but that’s evidently not true of everyone we hang out with. Sometimes you click with someone, but often that spark is simply missing. What draws people together as friends – and keeps them close?
Proximity
According to those clever social psychologists, the proximity theory accounts for our tendency to form relationships with those who are close by – which makes total sense when you think how many hours you have to spend with someone before they become a friend. While you may be able to maintain a long-distance friendship, it’s hard to form a bond with anyone you don’t have regular face-to-face time with. The friends we make are often made at work (and transferred into after hours), on the same sports team, or with those who live close by. The proximity theory is also the reason you might meet someone who lives in another city or works for another company, who you know is a potential new best friend, but never quite get there.
Shared activities
You might not have as many extra-curricular activities in your diary once you’ve left school, but many close friendships are kick-started at some sort of club or group. Find a pastime you love and you’ll meet like-minded people too: sports teams, book clubs, charity fundraising, a choir. You can’t make new friends until you meet potential ones.
Common interests can be the most important ties that hold a friendship together because you commit to spend that time together. If either of you give up the activity, many see the friendship dwindle. While I met many of my closest friends through work, I also have a fabulous group of women in my life who I met through charity fundraising. Our friendship was a glorious surprise, as meeting new people wasn’t the motivation to get involved. Now I can’t imagine life without them. My advice: if you’re looking to make new friends, start with volunteering for a local charity and you might just meet friends for life.
Go online
Forget dating apps for a minute, there are apps and websites where you can make friends too. Bumble BFF helps you meet like-minded people in your area. Peanut and Mush are both apps that connect mums. Meetup is also a great way to find people who share an interest in the same activity as you.
Life events
There are many events in life that either introduce you to new people or open up the possibilities of seeking out new friendships. Sometimes these are from a place of pain – a new job because you were made redundant, or the end of a relationship freeing up your evenings and weekends. Take the chance to turn something negative into a positive.
Starting a new job can be nerve-racking but it’s also an opportunity to find new friends. Newly single? Throw yourself into doing all the things you never had time for – art classes, gin-tasting, stand-up comedy nights, evening classes – and you’ll meet new people too. Happy occasions also give you a chance to broaden your social group – many of my mum friends have made brilliant mates at baby groups and at the school gates.
Thirteen Traits of Friendship
According to Professor Suzanne Degges-White, author of Friends Forever: How Girls and Women Forge Lasting Relationships, there are thirteen traits of friendship that fall into three categories: integrity, caring and congeniality.
Integrity is a core value cited as the bedrock of any relationship, and includes trustworthiness, honesty, dependability, loyalty and the ability to trust others. Basically, following your moral and ethical convictions to do the right thing. Meeting someone you believe has integrity makes you feel safe. Professor Degges-White also points out that caring – from empathy and listening to offering support and not being judgemental – is a key trait we look for in a friend. Finally, congeniality, which Professor Degges-White describes as self-confidence, humour and fun.
It seems three really is the magic number when it comes to finding a friend. And there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have this list of traits in mind when ‘auditioning’ someone you’ve met as a potential friend. They might be fun and confident, but if they love to entertain a room and never stop to listen, are they going to offer you the friendship you deserve? Or they might have integrity but lack a sense of humour and just be too sensible for you.
Really, friendship is about two people each bringing half a jigsaw puzzle to the table and fitting their pieces together to make the perfect picture.
Auditions are open!
For me, finding people I have things in common with was easier when I was younger. You’re on a similar path of discovery, finding out where you fit in the world. As we get older, we get stuck in our ways and seek like-minded people to complement us. I know these days I’m less likely to spend time with people I’m not emotionally invested in. I’ve definitely become more intolerant of people’s nonsense and drama over the years, and have downsized my friendship group.
Here are a few of my friendship rules – feel free to add your own!
Never be embarrassed by your passions and hobbies – they will lead you to like-minded people and potential new friends.
Put time and effort in. Keep in touch with regular texts and calls. Make your friends feel loved. It takes seconds.
Ask yourself: who sees you when they have free time and who frees up their time to see you?
Accept you’re not a
