“I see you’ve remembered,” Jess said.
There was no point denying it. “I wanted him for myself.”
“Yeah.” Jess’s fingers fiddled with the sheet. “And you’re everything he ever wanted, whereas I remind him too much of the wild years he wants to forget.”
Libby sat down, shocked by the look of pain and yearning on Jess’s face. “You loved him before I met him, didn’t you?”
“Since I was fifteen. No one else has ever come close.’
“But …” Libby grappled with this new information. “No. If you’d loved him, I would have known.”
“Seriously, Libby?” Jess laughed, the sound derisive. “Only people who’ve never known rejection wear their heart on their sleeve.”
Slowly, things started to fall into place. Jess’s many short-term relationships. Her refusal to commit to anyone. Her on-off friendship with Will. The very first time Jess had ever dented their “friendship first” pact.
“When we got engaged and I begged you to take the Melbourne job, you chose Sydney.”
“I stayed away to protect our friendship.”
The words snapped Libby out of her confusion. “I don’t believe you.”
“That’s your choice, but it’s true.” Jess let out a long, rattily sigh. “I love you, Libby, you’re the sister I never had. But there are times when it’s not easy to love you. You got everything: the best parents, a sister, cute kids, a house on the point, a worthy career and the man I love. Do you have any idea how hard it is sometimes to listen to you prattle on about Nick, whining about his stinky socks, how he dresses the girls in mismatched clothes, but then how he always nails your birthday present? Sydney gave me the space I needed so I didn’t lose both of you.”
The banked coals of Libby’s fury flared. “If my friendship’s so precious to you, then why the hell did you risk it by having sex with Nick?”
“It was never deliberate.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“I’m dying, Lib. Can you just listen?”
The words bit and Libby forced herself to use the listening tools she and Nick had been taught. “I’ll try.”
Jess took another sip of water as if readying for a long story. “If Nick had fallen in love with anyone other than you, I’d have done everything possible to break them up. But I loved you both. I didn’t want to lose either of you, so I moved to Sydney. We talked and had our girls’ weekends and when I didn’t see you with Nick, I could pretend nothing had changed.
“That year after Dom’s death, I ached for you. I wished I could do something to make you feel less gutted. I knew the anniversary was going to be tough so I flew down to surprise you. But when I arrived at Burrunan, you’d taken the girls to Melbourne and Nick was home alone and a mess. I couldn’t believe you’d left him when he needed you. It was such a princess thing to do and I got mad. How could you not see what you had in him? So I borrowed Nick, just like we borrow stuff off each other all the time. And I gave him back to you, except for one tiny part of him. I got Leo. You got everything else. It’s a fair trade.”
It’s a fair trade. It’s what they’d always said to each other when they were teens and negotiating a swap of possessions. Her guilt about leaving Nick alone collided with her disbelief. “Nick isn’t a Dolly magazine or a T-shirt!”
“Neither were Dylan or Eric.”
Old regrets chilled her. “We were young and stupid.”
“Eric didn’t cause us any problems and we lived with Dylan for a year without ever fighting over him once.”
Libby’s mind melted. “Are you saying you thought Nick … that the six of us could be one big polyamorous family?” Her own incredulity was answered by the look on Jess’s face and Libby sat down hard. “Oh my God, that’s why you wanted Sulli’s house.”
Jess stiffened. “I don’t get why you’re so surprised. You begged me to come back to the bay. You told me over and over how I was a sister to you and that Nick and you were my family. How our kids would grow up together and Leo wouldn’t be an only child. It was everything I wanted for him. Everything I wanted for me. Of course I came back and took it. I didn’t have the strength to refuse it.”
“And what? You never thought I’d be upset when I found out who Leo’s father is?”
“Mi casa es su casa. Friendship first.”
It was the pledge they’d made at thirteen. An immature commitment before either of them had any idea how complex and difficult adult life could be. But they’d grown up and recognized the naivety of such a declaration, hadn’t they? Libby had. It was unimaginable that Jess still believed in those simplistic adolescent words.
Except the wounded look on Jess’s face clearly told Libby she not only believed the words, she blamed Libby for breaking the pact and damaging their friendship.
The lunacy of it spun her head. Why would Jess think this was normal? Who thought like that? She groped for examples from family and friends and came up empty-handed. Patients? A few snippets of faded psychology lectures dribbled into her mind—arrested emotional development due to childhood trauma. Her mother had survived. Her mother’s sister hadn’t. Jess was like Karen—tough, a survivor. But Linda hadn’t beaten Jess, she’d just drunk herself to death. Jess wasn’t traumatized and damaged—she’d got out and thrived. By twenty-two, Jess had left life with Linda and poverty far behind.
Except now, Libby wasn’t so sure. Were the deprivations Linda had inflicted on her daughter more than just a lack of food and money? Libby had applauded Jess for being a rebel and for not putting up with crap from anyone, but had she misunderstood completely? Was it really lack of conformity or more the lack of a role model? Was it
