“You don’t have to thank me.”
“I do. I hurt your daughter. Other mothers would have hung me out to dry like most of the town, but even though you hated what I’d done, you didn’t hate me. It meant a lot.”
Alice came back inside, her fairy wings lopsided and her tiara askew. “It’s getting a bit wild out there. Thought I’d calm them down by reading some stories.”
“Can you spare me a minute?” Jess asked.
Alice glanced questioningly at Karen. “Ah, sure.”
“I’ll get the books.” Karen walked over to the library tub and grabbed some books before taking them outside.
A sharp spasm of pain caught Jess and she fisted the sheet.
“Are you okay?” Worry filled Alice’s voice. “Do you want me to get Libby?”
Jess shook her head as the pain faded and she released her grip on the sheet. “I want to thank you for loving Leo.”
“There’s nothing to thank. He’s easy to love.”
“So easy. It cuts me that you can’t have one of your own.”
Gratitude crossed Alice’s face. “Thank you for thinking of me when you’re dealing with …”
Jess laughed—it was that or cry. “I’m late to the empathy party, but at least I got here.”
“I’m devastated you won’t see Leo grow up.”
“About that …” Jess took a moment to ride the wave of despair rolling through her. Now wasn’t the moment to give in to tears—this was too important to say. “Libby’s a brilliant mother, but sometimes she gets tunnel vision on the practical stuff, whereas you—Well, every kid needs an Alice fairy queen, pirate king or a penguin princess in their lives. Promise me you’ll steal him away sometimes and surround him in paint and glue and glorious nonsense?”
Alice was silent and then her face contorted and she was gulping in air and crying hot, messy tears. Eventually she blew her nose and stared at Jess through panda eyes, black from run mascara.
“Is that a yes?”
“Of course it’s a yes. A great big yes. I’m on the lookout to rent a place with a shed where mess is no object.”
“Alice!” Indi wrenched open the door and stood on the threshold with her hands on her hips. “Come and twirl.”
“Go,” Jess said, feeling Alice’s hesitation. “You know she’s as obstinate as you are. She’ll only badger until you give in.”
“Do you want me to send Libby in?”
“No hurry. I might catch a quick nap.”
Jess’s eyes fluttered closed. The birthday party was everything she’d hoped for, and tomorrow Libby and Nick were putting up the Christmas decorations. She planned to watch Leo while it happened, soaking in his delight. She’d even string some popcorn. Lucy had seen it on an American television show and had begged Libby for a live tree and popcorn garlands.
She heard the heavy tread of familiar footsteps and opened her eyes. Nick was crossing the room with a trash bag in his hand. “Where’s Leo?”
“On Libby’s lap listening to Alice doing all the voices and actions for Wombat Divine.”
It was the first time she and Nick had been alone together since Libby found out about Leo and he was glancing outside as if he was hoping someone would walk in. Even with death hovering, the old pain of him never loving her still managed to beat, accompanied with the pain of how much she’d hurt him. Having gone through life never saying sorry for anything, her apology to Libby had unleashed a need to make amends—as much to secure Leo’s happiness as to leave earth with fewer regrets.
“Thanks for today, Nick.”
“Too easy.”
“It’s not easy though, is it? I threw an incendiary into your life.”
“Yeah.”
“Me dying’s probably the best apology I can give you.”
His face blanched. “Jesus, Jess. Don’t say things like that. Don’t even think them.”
“Why not? If I wasn’t dying, I’m not sure Libby would have ever spoken to me again—or accepted Leo.”
“You don’t know that.”
He sounded just like Alice, but then again, Alice and Nick always looked for the best in people. “I do. I love Libby to bits, but she and I share some less-than-stellar traits. Holding onto a grudge is one of them.”
“She loves Leo.”
“I know. I’m not worried anymore.”
“And he’s the best sort of incendiary on the market. My parents are besotted.”
She managed a smile. “He’s got everything I wanted him to have.”
“Except you.” Nick put the trash bag on the floor and came and sat by the bed. “I’ll always tell him how much you loved him and how much he’s loved. And when he’s old enough to understand, I’ll tell him Libby and I were having problems when you got pregnant and although I regret my behavior, I have never regretted him.”
“That’s incredibly generous.”
Nick shrugged. “It’s what we told Lucy and it’s what we’ll tell Indi when she’s older. It’s all they need to know.”
“Thank you.” She wanted to tell him she loved him, that she’d always loved him and she’d hoped for years he could love her too. But she knew her love was a burden he’d never wanted and if she truly wanted to die with as few regrets as possible, she couldn’t tell him. “Can you bring me Leo, please?”
“Sure.”
A few minutes later, Libby walked in with Leo on her hip. “Here’s Mommy.”
Libby lowered him onto the bed and he pulled at Jess’s blouse just as he did whenever he was tired. “I’ll get his bottle.”
Jess nodded, unable to speak. Of the ever-increasing list of things this demon cancer was stealing from her, it was being forced to wean Leo that had driven home her new reality.
“Bottle’s coming.” Jess stroked his head, too weak now to lift his thirty pound body off her.
“Here you go.”
Leo crawled off Jess’s chest and snuggled in next to her, sleepily holding the bottle.
“Lib?”
“Yes?”
“I’ve made a list of things I want Leo to know. It’s on my
