Libby took her hand. “I promise I’ll use the list. I’ll ask Alice to match it with photos and make it into a book.”
New pain gripped Jess, circling her belly like a steel band and bringing a new sense of urgency. “But there’s stuff I haven’t written down. Tell him I love him more than I ever loved anyone. That education changed my life. That you and Karen showed me what was possible. Tell him to work hard and stay in school—” She gasped, bringing her knees up to her chin as if that would stop the agony. Leo sat up. “Show him what I couldn’t.”
“Shh, stop talking. I’ll get you something for the pain.”
“No, listen!” Jess struggled to speak. “Love him … so he learns … how to love … the right way … not like me.” The edges of her mind fuzzed red as violent pain exploded in shock waves of agony. “Show him … to be kind so … he doesn’t hurt … people who love him … I—”
“Jess!” Libby’s voice sounded a long way away.
“Hurts … take him.”
She registered the loss of Leo’s warmth and for the first time ever, she gave in to the pain.
In many ways, the old master bedroom at Burrunan resembled a hospital ward, although the toy box beside the bed clearly stated that it wasn’t. Everything else did though, from the catheter bag hanging on the side of the bed to the syringe driver continuously administering medication. It was two days since Leo’s birthday party and the onset of the complete bowel obstruction that had finally beaten Jess. Today, she’d barely been conscious and Libby was doing everything possible to keep her comfortable.
Nick’s hands massaged Libby’s shoulders. “Take a break? Alice and I can—”
“No.”
“If it was Ramesh, you’d tell him to take a break.”
“His best friend isn’t dying. I want to do this for her. I need to.”
“Fair enough. Do you think she can still hear?”
“It’s the last sense to go and Jess always loved a good eavesdrop.” Libby applied some lip balm to Jess’s lips and then to her own. “She asked me if we were going to be alright.”
His hands stilled. “What did you say?”
The hesitancy in his voice sounded like worry and she raised a hand to cover his. “I told her we wanted to be okay. We had three kids depending on us so we had to be okay.”
“And we know where to get help when we need it.”
“That too.”
He dropped his head close and kissed her.
Lucy walked in wearing her school uniform. “Mommy, can I give Jess a kiss before I go to ballet?”
“Of course.”
They’d discussed how best to handle Jess dying at Burrunan and had wondered if the children should go to Pelican House. In the end, they decided it was better for them to be involved and see Jess slowly fade away, so it didn’t seem like she just suddenly vanished. That said, Libby didn’t want them terrified when Jess’s breathing deteriorated to rattling rasps. It was a fine line.
“If you’re sure you don’t want a break, I’ll take Leo and Indi to the park for half an hour to blow off some steam while Lucy’s at ballet. Alice is here and the palliative care nurse is due—”
“Go. It’s fine.”
He nodded and kissed her again. “Love you, tesoro mio.”
“Love you too.”
“Come on, Lucy-Goose, time to go.”
A few minutes later the running feet and banging doors ceased and the house fell quiet. Alice wandered in holding a bowl of warm water and with towels tucked under her arm. “I found a bar of that lemongrass soap you said she liked.”
“You really are the best.”
Jess’s favorite music played softly in the background and together Alice and Libby carefully washed the unconscious woman. The fresh scent of the soap lingered long after Alice had carried the bowl and dirty sheets away.
Libby sat down again, fatigue running like glue in her veins. It wasn’t a new feeling—it had been part of her life since her intern year. She squirted Sorbolene moisturizer on her palm and gently massaged Jess’s hand. “Remember my first year at the Alfred Hospital? The night of my first death? I called you up and you drove in to meet me. It was midnight but you insisted we go dancing.
“You dragged me onto the floor and said, ‘Dance like there’s no tomorrow.’ I thought you were nuts and I only danced because you’d gotten out of bed to be with me. But slowly my anger at not being more experienced and not being able to do more for Jenny Reid shifted. I knew I’d given her a dignified death and I got this sense of peace. You gave that to me. Over the years, you gave me a lot. I hope I did that for you too.”
Jess’s fingers flexed, trapping Libby’s fingers tightly against her palm. Amid the sound of a noisy rattling exhale, Libby thought she heard the word, “Yes.”
It was an excruciatingly long minute before Jess breathed in again. Then her breath shuddered out. “Be … hap …”
Libby’s tears fell onto their hands. “I’ll miss you so much.”
Jess’s eyes remained closed and her pretty mouth slackened as each breath shuddered in and out of her wasted body. She suddenly gasped as if she wanted to say something and Libby leaned in close. But Jess didn’t make a sound and her fingers slackened in Libby’s hand.
“Jess?” Libby’s own breath hitched in her throat and she closed her
