It took awhile, but I sorted everything out. I found my current company, and I was instantly attracted to how it was less about marketing and branding and looking the part, and more about creating an actual high-quality product.
Plus, once I proved my worth and moved up in the company, I could work from anywhere. That was a game-changer. I moved out of the city as soon as I could.
In retrospect, I wonder if it was the city that I hated so much, or just the life I had there. I now associate New York City with Lianne, the divorce and that miserable job. Yet during recent visits, I have to admit I enjoy the city. I like the restaurants and the culture, and as the bad memories fade, I have fonder associations with the city.
Cynthia will be there next year. I think she’ll like it. Of course, she will be excited to be in medical school, chasing her dreams, but she also will like the vibrancy of city life. She’s young and deserves to enjoy that.
There will be more men too. I frown at the thought. Cythia didn’t date much in college, but it’s not like she had a wide range of options. Her school is small, and she clearly had other priorities. In med school, she’ll have way more opportunities to date. Or so I imagine.
The thought doesn’t rest easy with me.
I manage to get a few hours of work in, but by noon, I’m back to thinking about Cynthia. My fingers are itching to grab my phone and call her.
I’m not sure it’s a good idea though. She might need some more alone time to process. I don’t want to alarm her by badgering her with calls and texts. I’ll wait for her to reach out to me.
My only fear is that we don’t have much time. I want to enjoy Cynthia while she’s here. I want to show her so many things and do so many things to her, I need as much time as I can get. If I wait for her to reach out to me, I might be waiting for a long while.
I’m not a patient man. When I want something, I go and get it. Years ago, I wanted out of a soul-crushing job. So I found a way. I wanted to leave the city and start somewhere new, so I found a town I liked and purchased property.
Now I want Cynthia. I want her body, and I want her over and over. So I need to find a way to get her.
It’s tricky though. I have to be careful. She’s not some experienced divorcee. I can’t send her flirtatious texts or just show up at her house with a bottle of wine.
I don’t want to do that either. I want us to be open and equals. I want her to know her worth.
As I fix myself a sandwich for lunch, I keep glancing at my phone. Without my work to distract me, it’s getting tempting to reach out to her. The urge to call her is nearly overwhelming.
It’s a little embarrassing to be honest. I thought my days of chasing after girls were long gone. I did plenty of chasing when I first met Lianne. I was wild about her, and I didn’t hesitate to pursue her.
After her, I learned to dial it back. I valued my independence, and I saw no need to chase after girls. Any woman who made a man chase her probably wasn’t worth my time, in any case. I learned to be happy on my own and set my daily schedule the way I wanted it.
Cynthia is different. It feels like a whole other type of game. Or rather, it doesn’t even feel like a game. I want something fun and casual from her, but for some reason, the stakes feel high. I don’t want to hurt her. That has to be the reason. She’s so young, and she trusted me, and I take that seriously. I feel responsible for her.
In a flash, I recall the way she kissed me, her lips hesitant at first, but then overtaken with her eagerness. She moved against my chest, and I wanted to hold her tight against me. When I laid her back upon the bed, and she gazed up at me, I knew she was trusting me with everything. And I wanted to live up to that trust. I was responsible for her, and in the act of sex, I know I didn’t let her down. I don’t want to let her down in the aftermath as well.
That’s why I have to be careful about how and when I reach out. If I do anything to make her uncomfortable or pressure her into sleeping with me again, I’ll never forgive myself.
I have the strangest urge to talk to other people who are in relationships with age gaps. It’s not that Cynthia and I will ever have a real relationship, but I want to know how others deal with the strangeness. I feel so protective of her, but I also feel like she is on the other side of some wall. Her age separates her from me, and I don’t know how to get around that.
I know there are forums online. I could probably very easily find some sort of thread, but the idea makes me a bit queasy. I don’t want to hear washed-up guys with wrinkles and flabby stomachs talking about how they bagged younger women. Because the age gap is rarely the other way around. There are so few older women dating younger men.
Because of this, there’s an air of creepiness to older men seeking out younger girls. It’s as if they’re looking for someone to manipulate. Or as if they’re insecure in their own masculinity, and they need some pretty young thing to make them feel like real men.
I don’t even want
