I blow out my cheeks and sigh. It feels so ridiculous to be this worried about a relationship that feels so good. Every second with Nate feels right. But I can’t just ignore my dream of becoming a doctor. I can’t just pretend I’m not going to medical school in a matter of months. I’m not that girl. I’ve never been that girl.
I squint up at the blazing afternoon sun as I travass the green quad. Every other student had the same idea as Becca, and the lawn is spotted with sunbathing students, not even pretending to study.
I spot Becca’s blonde head gleaming off to one side, and Tommy is by her side. I pick up my pace.
I’m not really in the mood to lounge, but I know if I got to the library I’ll just stress about Nate. And if I go home, I’ll just throw myself at Nate.
When I’m with him, that is the only time I can forget my worries.
I have brought up my concerns to him. Each time, he tells me to not stress myself out. He says we’ll cross the bridge when we come to it.
As far as I can tell, we are at the bridge. Graduation is in exactly two weeks. After that, my lease is up, and I’m set to go home and spend time with my mom for a bit before moving to New York City and starting medical school.
I have snapped at Nate. That’s one great thing about him; it’s easy to be myself and voice my true feelings. After that first deceitful text message (which I was so deliciously punished for), I’ve been totally honest with him about what I’ve been thinking. I lost my cool the other day and asked him how he envisioned the future. Was he thinking long distance? Or would we just fizzle out?
I didn’t even bother asking him if he would ever move to the city to be with him. He is so established in his life. He’s set up his home to be precisely what he wants. He would never move. It hasn’t escaped my notice that he hasn’t exactly offered.
And yet, he’s not a jerk. He tells me that he cares for me, and he does wonderful things to me in bed. He pays attention to me when I talk.
Of course he won’t move though. It’s only been a month. I would never tell one of my girlfriends to uproot her entire life and move to a whole other city just for a guy. I can’t expect the same thing from Nate.
Do I even want him to move? If he did that for me, that would put so much pressure on our relationship. I’ll be starting my studies, and medical school is no joke. I’ll have to dedicate so much of my time to classes and schoolwork.
At last I reach Becca and Tommy and give them a faint wave.
“You seem chipper,” Becca comments sarcastically. “Sit down, get some Vitamin D.”
I plop down in the soft grass next to her. Tommy smiles and waves. We haven’t seen much of each other, and I can tell he’s almost surprised that I’m joining them.
“I guess it’s really hitting that we’re actually graduating so soon,” I say.
It’s not a lie. I’m just omitting the part about the older guy I’m starting to fall for.
“Well, you need to stop sulking and start making memories!” Becca sits up and shields her eyes from the sun with her hand. “It’s Friday, there’s a party tonight, you’re coming.”
I start to say no on instinct, but then I hesitate. Maybe a college party is exactly what I need. A place to relax a little, have a few drinks, just be young for a bit. Not that I’ve really enjoyed being “young” up to this point in my life, but I should at least give it one last try.
I think some space from Nate would be good as well. I’m not going to try and say I can totally freeze him out, because I can’t. He means too much. I couldn’t quit him cold turkey.
But we’ve been together every night for the last few weeks. We spend evenings together, eat together, share a bed, then have breakfast and coffee together. One night off might clear my head a bit. Maybe after the party, I’ll have a better idea of how the hell I’m supposed to proceed with Nate.
My stomach lurches with unease. Just thinking about the difficult decisions we’re going to have to make is causing me to feel ill. I press my hand to my stomach and tell myself to ignore the queasiness.
“Ok, maybe a party could be fun,” I say. “What’s the vibe?”
“Really?” Tommy asks. “You think you might go?”
Becca’s brows shoot up, and it’s obvious that even she expected me to say no.
“It’ll be drinks and music and dancing,” Becca says. “It’ll be so fun, trust me. We can dress up a bit, do our hair! Just enjoy being young and irresponsible.”
“Ok, ok, I’m in,” I say.
“Same,” Tommy says. “Minus the dressing up and the hair part, obviously.”
Becca lets out a little squeal of delight and grips both of our hands. “Finally you two are rallying for me!”
I roll my eyes but chuckle at Becca’s enthusiasm.
She flops onto her back and starts babbling about all the people who will be there and how amazing it’s going to be. I lean back on my hands and just let her happy chatter wash over me.
Maybe if I stick by Becca’s side, her optimism will rub off on me.
It’s going to be tough to get ecstatic about the party, but I’m going to try. It’s not like I’m a total killjoy. I go to parties, now and then. I like music, and I even like dancing if I’m in the right mood.
I just need to take some time
