And when he takes me to the bedroom and makes me call him Daddy and touches me in all sorts of ways...well, in those moments, I can’t think at all.
“Hello!” Becca is waving her hand in front of my face, and I snap back to reality. “Earth to Cynthia! What do you think about heading to my room after this to order food and get ready? I can lend you clothes!”
“Sure, yeah.” I nod and decide it’s for the best.
I can totally picture myself going back to my place to change, then Nate showing up and tempting me to bail on the whole thing.
“You ok, Cynthia?” Tommy murmurs. “You look a bit pale?”
“It’s just the heat,” I say. “I’m probably dehydrated too.”
“Well, you better start drinking water,” Becca declares. “Because you are going to be taking shots tonight!”
I paste a smile on my face and pull out my phone.
I know better than to try and send Nate a text acting like it’s no big deal that I’m going to this party. He knows I don’t party. He will sense something is up.
I type him a message saying that I’m going to a party on campus with friends, and I admit that I feel like I need a night on my own. Plus I want to enjoy time with my friends before graduation.
Written out, I feel like I come off as defensive. I sigh. I’m not going to waste time editing it though. Nate will understand why I feel the need to have time away from him. He knows about my worry and frustration over the future. And he himself mentioned the other day that he doesn’t want to take me away from my college life. He said he felt bad for stealing me away from my college friends.
I send the message and then shove my phone back in my bag. I’m going to be fun and cheerful this evening. I owe that to Becca and Tommy. They’ve been such good friends and put up with my intense planning and studying all these years, I want us to have one last night of fun.
I try to participate in the conversation, but mostly I let Becca carry it.
As the sun starts to set, we all stand up. Tommy says he’ll head back to his dorm to get ready and then meet us at Becca’s for pizza.
Becca and I agree to that plan and start walking to her room.
“Ok, I’m thinking you could wear that black mini-skirt I have,” Becca says. “Your legs are so long, you’ll look amazing.”
I nod, but my attention is occupied by the buzzing of my phone. I pull it out of my bag as casually as I can to check.
Nate has texted back: No worries, go have fun with your friends! Call me if you want to hang out later.
I almost feel like crying. He’s so nice and accepting, and I don’t actually want space from him. I want to be with him all the time. But it’s hard knowing that we’re going to have to end it soon.
This night will be good practice. I can’t keep living in a little bubble with Nate, acting like we will spend every night together for the rest of our lives.
It’s time to break out of that routine, as lovely as it’s been.
I swallow the lump in my throat and refocus on Becca as we arrive at her dorm.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Nate
I’ve never thought of myself as a possessive guy. I like strong and independent women. I have no problem letting Cynthia make her own choices. And she’s free to spend a night on her own if that’s what she wants.
And yet as darkness sets in, and I eat alone, I start to get riled up. I even feel flashes of anger. She’s out drinking and dancing with college kids. And even if she’s not inviting any attention, I know how college boys must be looking at her. Eyeing her as if she was meat, theirs for the taking.
It wouldn’t be so unbearable if I didn’t know that Cynthia is upset over her impending graduation. She wants answers and a resolution, but I haven’t been ready for us to talk about that. I wanted to enjoy what we had. I also wanted to give her time to figure out what she wants. If she decided after a few weeks that she’s not feeling it, and she wanted to just call it a day, I wanted her to have that chance. I didn’t want to pressure her by announcing what I am willing to sacrifice to be with her.
I myself haven’t put an exact definition on it, but I know for Cynthia, I would sacrifice quite a lot. I never have believed in or wanted a long-distance relationship, but I would try for her. The city isn’t that far away, after all, and I visit a lot anyway for work.
I haven’t thought about moving, not yet. I love my home. I’ve invested a lot in it. I feel it’s too soon to think about that.
All I know is I don’t want to lose her. Not yet.
After years of avoiding serious relationships and swearing off long-term commitment, I’m willing to try it again. For Cynthia.
I didn’t think I would find this kind of bond with someone at this point in my life. I figured I had my shot, and I wasted it on an early marriage to the wrong person. I assumed my door to my great love story closed once I hit my thirties. Not that I was looking. There are so many people out there who are actively searching for love. I figured they deserved it over me.
Now Cynthia has entered my life in a blaze of glory. She awakens parts of me I thought were long-dead.
