That’s what I’ve gained with my advanced years: caution. It’s not glamorous. It’s not exciting, but it’s the truth. I’ve learned to be wary and careful. I’ve learned that just because I really want Cynthia doesn’t mean I should have her. It may not be right for me to request to keep her forever. Maybe she was only meant to come into my life for a brief window of time.
I run my hand through my hair and shake my head. I hate getting all zen and philosophical like this. I cross to my kitchen in long angry strides, and I pour myself a few fingers of bourbon.
I relish the burn in my throat as I take my first swallow.
I’m not trying to get black-out drunk. I just want to have enough to dull the edge of panic I feel over Cynthia.
I need to stay calm for the rest of the night, and then have an adult conversation with her tomorrow. I have to resign myself to that plan, because I refuse to burst into that party and yank her out of there.
I try to think of other things, but as the numbers on the clock move towards 11, then beyond that, I can’t help picturing Cynthia. Maybe she’s wearing some makeup, or she’s dolled up in a special party outfit. She’s by her friend Becca’s side. I suppose Tommy would be there too. Cynthia has told me all about her trio of friends.
She enters the party with a small smile on her lips, but she’s not that excited. Not yet. Then, as she stands in the corner clutching a drink, a college student, tall and gangly but still handsome approaches. He has to lean close to her dark tresses to be heard over the blaring music. Maybe he says something funny, and Cynthia laughs, the throaty sound of her mirth drawing him in until he’s fascinated. Who could ever not be fascinated by Cynthia Lannon? No one could resist her.
She’ll look up at him and see someone as young as her. Someone who is also full of potential. He has so many paths he could follow, so many big and terrifying choices are still unmade. She will see that they could walk through life together. It would be so easy to be young with him. She’s going to medical school, and maybe he’s going to law school. It’s all nice and neat and simple.
I clench my teeth and suddenly I’m back in my kitchen. I blink hard but the vision of Cynthia and her perfect match won’t go away. I’m gripping my glass so hard, it’s in danger of shattering.
I suppose that’s one thing in my favor. I own nice glasses that I keep in my large kitchen. I own a home, and I have a solid career. Cynthia knows what she’s getting with me. There’s no gamble or uncertainty about how my life will turn out or who I will grow into. I’ve done all my growing. There’s no question as to who I am or who I will become.
The only question about my future is whether Cynthia wants to be a part of it.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cynthia
I regret going to the party pretty much the second I walk in.
First of all, I will never understand why it’s considered so uncool to start a party earlier than 11. I’ve had a long week. I’m tired. Why do I have to force myself to stay up late just because it’s super lame to show up early.
I was practically nodding off to sleep while Becca finished up my makeup.
I do have to hand it to my friend, she knows how to do a night out. We talked more than we had in a long time while we ate our take-out and selected our outfits. It was hard not bringing up Nate, but I steered the conversation to other topics like our medical school and graduation and summer plans. All those topics are hot-button issues with Nate and me since they make me so sad about our inevitable separation, so I haven’t really had anyone to discuss them with. It’s nice to just be a normal student again.
Of course, by the time I’m standing in the overheated and crowded dorm basement with the music turned so loud that my ears hurt, I’m missing Nate. A lot.
Becca convinced me to wear her black mini-skirt with a cerulean blue crop-top. It’s a cute look, but I keep feeling a little self-conscious about the thin strip of skin showing above the waistline of the skirt.
I’m not trying to attract male attention to night. I don’t need it. I have Nate.
At least, I have Nate for now.
Becca comes bobbing over to me where I’m standing in the corner, and she hands me a cup.
“Beer!” she says.
I smile and take it. “Thanks.”
The beer is lukewarm and cheap. I guess everyone is enjoying the quintessential aspects of a college party before we all have to grow up.
Growing up doesn’t sound too bad to me though. Spending time with Nate has verified that for me. I think it seems so nice to have a home of one’s own and a job. I’m looking forward to embarking on my career and adult life.
It’s just a shame that the man who makes me so eager to be an adult is something I’ll have to leave behind as I grow.
“Why are you frowning like that?” Becca hisses. “You look like you’re about to burst into tears, it’s scaring guys away.”
I shrug. “I’m not really trying to find anyone tonight, Becs.”
“I get it, I get it.” Becca raises her hands. “No one is good enough for Cynthia.”
She gives my shoulder a nudge. I bite my tongue to keep from announcing the truth: there is one guy who is more than good enough.
Just then Tommy saunters over, the disco lights from above turning half his face blue.
“It’s crowded,” he says.
“Yup, doesn’t it just give you a
