For the first time in my life, I want to give everything I can to someone else. I never was this selfless, not even with my first wife when things were good.
So the thought of Cynthia at that college party, trying to distance herself from me, is pure agony.
As I pace around my bedroom, watching the time tick by, I suddenly feel like I’ve waited too long. I should have explained to Cynthia how ready I am to commit sooner. I should have told her straight up that we won’t have to say goodbye when she graduates. I should have told her that I want to keep us going, in whatever way we can. Yes, long distance will be difficult, but I’m ready to try anything.
It could be too late. She could be resolving to forget all about me right now at this college party. She could be flirting with some young guy as she sips cheap beer out of a red solo cup.
She would be within her rights. Because I’ve been so adamant about enjoying the moment, we have never fully defined our relationship. We have admitted our feelings are strong, but we never agreed to be monogamous.
So if Cynthia sleeps with some other guy tonight, she wouldn’t be betraying me. She would be taking action based on the fact that I haven’t told her exactly how I feel.
I growl and slam my hand against my bedroom wall. It’s pointless, but I need a way to express my anger.
What I really want to do is barge into that college party and yank the men away from Cynthia by the scruffs of their necks, then pick her up and carry her back to my bed. And then not let her leave my bed for several hours, possibly even days.
But Cynthia would be mortified if I showed up on her campus. She is not embarrassed to be seen with me. We’ve gone to several restaurants together. I just know she’s kept me a secret from her friends because she doesn’t know how to explain what we are. She would be upset if I so wantonly revealed her secrecy.
I would feel stupid too. An old guy like me has no business causing a dramatic scene in a college dorm.
Anyway, one glance at the clock tells me it’s only ten. The party probably is barely underway.
That does mean Cynthia might not even be there yet. If I call her now, maybe I can change her mind.
I gaze longingly at my phone. It would be so immature. Not to mention manipulative. I never wanted to be the kind of man who controlled his girlfriend or wife. I find it distinctly uncomfortable when I see a couple like that, in which the guy tells the girl what she can and can’t do.
I can imagine how Cynthia would react if I summoned her back to me. She would do it, probably out of concern. She has a big heart and a huge amount of empathy, which is probably what motivated her to study medicine in the first place. But afterwards, when she realizes I was being a jealous boyfriend type, she would be upset. Cynthia doesn’t really get angry or lose her cool, but she would not appreciate my trying to control her.
The power roleplay stuff is just for the bedroom. Outside the bedroom, Cynthia has a mind of her own. She’s independent. We’re equals. So for me to order her to bail on the party, or even for me to make the request, would be messed up.
I have no choice. I just have to sit and wait. Hopefully she’ll come back to me. If she doesn’t, I don’t know what I’ll do.
Will I fight for her? If she ends up tossing me out for some younger guy, how much am I willing to push back on that?
My answer is immediate: Hell yes.
Then again, it’s a fine line. If Cynthia tells me it’s over, and she’s sure about that, I would never want to disrespect her wishes.
However, I would want to disagree. I would want to tell her it’s far from over. Not for me anyway.
I want her in my life. I just have to figure out the best way to communicate that to her. I don’t want to scare her or make her feel boxed in. I remember what it felt like to be twenty-one. You have all the options in the world at that age. Why would Cynthia want to tie herself to some over-the-hill middle-aged man?
I hate thinking about myself like this, and I never did until I started hooking up with Cynthia. It’s hard not to ruminate on your age when you’re with someone so much younger. Of course Cynthia is mature for her age, but the undeniable fact is that she’s almost twenty years younger than I am.
They say age is just a number. And yeah, it is a number, but there’s nothing “just” about it. Cynthia and I might as well be on two sides of a giant chasm.
It’s not that Cynthia makes me feel old. It’s quite the opposite, really. I feel like my younger self when I’m with her. I feel hopeful. I look forward to more things. I’m more willing to mix up my routine. That’s how I was at twenty-one. I didn’t have a fixed routine, and I had nothing tying me down. I was willing to throw myself whole-heartedly into anything. Even a bad marriage.
That serves to remind me how much has changed since I was that young though. I don’t want to be that foolish and ignorant version of myself anymore.
And it might be ignorant to hope
