Tommy slumps back against his seat and stares at his dashboard. It’s an awkward silence, and my instinct is to fill it with more assurances that I still think of him as a great friend, but I hold my tongue. Tommy doesn’t need to be babied right now. I also don’t want to leave the door open a crack or make him think he has some sort of distant shot.
I wish there weren’t so many movies that glorified the quest for love and how you have to try again and again. I hate the trope that if a girl says no, it’s just because it’s the first time she’s being asked. You have to ask her out over and over, and then she’ll say yes. Sometimes it’s just not going to happen. Tommy needs to know that this is the case with us. It’s just not meant to be.
“Cynthia, you don’t understand.” Tommy unbuckles his seatbelt and yanks at his hair. He’s getting truly distressed. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since sophomore year.”
“Please, you don’t need to say all this,” I say. He’s making me feel guilty even though I’ve done nothing wrong. I never led him on ever. He has no reason to think his love should be returned. If it’s even true love. I don’t want to dismiss his feelings, but I sense it’s just a crush, nothing more. He’ll get over it.
“I do need to say this.” Tommy leans forward. “I need you to know how much I care about you. And I get that you don’t date because you’re scared and so focused on school, but I just want a chance. Just give me a shot.”
I blink and purse my lips. “I’m not scared to date.”
This is why I dreaded this conversation. I sensed it would turn ugly. Tommy accusing me of being intimidated to date isn’t that offensive, but I don’t like the edge to his tone when he says it. As if I’m some uptight coward who just needs the right man to show me how wonderful love can be. Well, I’m not a coward. And I wasn’t scared. At least when I ended up in that bathroom alone with Nate, I wasn’t scared. I was brave enough to take that chance.
“Come on, Cynthia, you’ve avoided any and all romance for four years,” he says. “Becca and I get truly worried about you, being all lonely and stuff.”
“You don’t need to drag Becca into this,” I mutter.
“She thinks we should be together too,” Tommy says. “Everyone thinks it!”
“Becca likes to play matchmaker,” I snap. “And just because everyone thinks we should be together doesn’t mean we should. That’s not a good enough reason.”
Tommy sighs and shakes his head. “I just don’t get it. Why won’t you even try with me? Am I that awful to you?”
His voice is so sad and dejected that my annoyance vanishes. Tommy has insecurities, like the rest of us. He just wants to find someone to be with, and I can’t blame him for that. It’s just not me. He may think I’m the one now, but he’ll learn.
I reach out and place my hand on his arm, trying to keep it as non-sensual as possible.
“I’m so sorry, Tommy,” I whisper. “I just can’t change the way I feel.”
He looks up at me, his eyes wide and filled with pain. Our faces are only inches apart, and suddenly the quarters feel way too cramped.
“How do you know?” Tommy asks. “How can you be so sure?”
I swallow. I want to look towards Nate’s house because that’s how I know. What I have with him is so undeniably the real thing that anything else is an obvious knock-off.
I can’t say that to Tommy. First of all, he’s in such a delicate state, I know it won’t go over well if I confess I’m having an affair with a forty-year-old divorcee. Second, Tommy is likely to react with anger instead of understanding. He’ll lash out and say nasty things about how I’m being used and manipulated. If Nate and I stay together, I know we will have to go public eventually, and we will receive a lot of judgment when that day comes. I’m not ready for that. Nate and I need to sort out our own stuff and then face the critics together.
I’m not willing to let Tommy judge us right now, just because he wants an explanation.
“I guess I’m not sure how I know,” I say. “I just know. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut.”
I meet his gaze and give him a small smile. I’m perturbed by the look in his eyes. He doesn’t appear sad or angry any more, he looks almost wild. As if he’s about to jump off a cliff.
Then he leans forward and presses his mouth against mine. I’m so shocked I don’t even move, I just sit perfectly still and widen my eyes as Tommy presses one hand against my neck and moves his lips against mine. He’s not rough or demanding. He’s just desperate. He thinks that because he wants me so much, he just needs to show me with a kiss. He thinks that one passionate kiss might change my mind. Tommy believes that this could be an epiphany. He will kiss me, and I’ll see fireworks. I’ll suddenly feel everything he feels for me.
I feel nothing. I don’t feel disgusted, but I also don’t feel aroused or moved in the slightest.
The kiss goes on for about three seconds. I decide to put an end to it. I lift my hand to Tommy’s chest and gently push him back.
I can see by his expression that he knows in his heart of hearts that it’s over. He knows that wasn’t a good kiss. Definitely no fireworks. And yet there’s a glimmer of hope, and that is what makes me want to cry
