She probably even regrets losing her virginity to me. If she had just waited a few weeks, Tommy would finally have grown the balls to tell her how he felt, and then she could have given her virginity to him. It would have been sweet and adorable, and I bet neither one of them would have come, but I’m sure they would have been a happy couple nonetheless.
And I ruined all that. I’m still ruining it by standing out here and glaring at her. She’s probably terrified that Tommy will return for one last lame kiss, and he will see me with her, and then everyone will know her dirty little secret.
The kiss didn’t look very passionate, I’ll admit that. But it still happened. And it has rocked me to my very core how much seeing her with someone else affected me. I’ve never been like this. I thought I shut off this side of myself long ago. I thought I didn’t feel things like this anymore.
“That’s very sweet,” I mutter. “And I suppose you now realize that he makes much more sense than I do. He fits into your grand life plan.”
Cynthia takes a shuddering breath, and I hear the telltale rattle of a sob in her throat.
“Please, Nate, don’t say that,” she gasps. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Then what was it like?” I snap. “You just got carried away with emotions? You realized that this whole time you’ve been in love with him as well, and I’ve just been the distraction? Or no, I’ve been the practicing partner. You wanted to get some experience in before you hopped in bed with Tommy?”
Cynthia gasps and looks away as if I’ve slapped her. I know my words are cruel. I know I’m going too far. But I just want to hurt her like she has hurt me.
Plus, she’s not offering me any explanation. I’m desperate for her to say something, anything, but instead she’s standing there with her haunted eyes and her heaving chest, as if she can’t physically form words.
If what just happened between her and Tommy truly meant nothing, she would tell me right now. Her silence is her condemnation.
“I shouldn’t have gone to that party,” she says at last. “I was just so confused about us.”
I roll my eyes. “You didn’t look that confused when you were in a car with another man at midnight.”
Her words fizzle out and she stares hard at the ground.
“I’ll make this easy for you,” I say. “You say you’re confused? I’ll clear it up for you.”
I take a step forward so that I’m towering above her. Cynthia looks so young and lost, and I realize that this has always been the problem. She’s too young. Too unsure of how to handle this. She ran away tonight. Whether or not she’s into Tommy, she ran away from the situation with me to go to the college party, and this is where we ended up.
“We’re nothing,” I say. “Our thing, whatever it was, is over.”
“Nate.” Cynthia only says my name. She can’t seem to find the voice to say anything else.
“You said you didn’t see a future with me, right?” I say. “That was always what you were concerned about, the future and how we just didn’t make sense. I just didn’t fit into your life.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she mutters.
I ignore her. Cynthia is confused. It’s not her fault, but she needs to learn that life isn’t fair. Things worth having don’t come easy. If she wanted to be with me, she shouldn’t have given up so easily.
Of course, maybe she never really wanted to be with me. It was fun for a while. A good hook-up. Someone to cook her nice meals and take care of her desires. A scandalous story she could share with her girlfriends over wine.
The thing is, she really had me convinced it was real. Even when she objected to getting too serious, even when she constantly brought up her worries over our future, I thought she had real feelings for me.
I suppose I’m not as smart as I thought. I’ve learned a lot, but clearly there’s more wisdom to gain.
I can’t look at her anymore. Seeing her face just makes me replay the scene of her brief kiss with Tommy over and over again.
“You’re too young for me,” I say. “And I’m the fool for not realising that.”
“I can’t change my age,” Cynthia whispers.
“I know,” I say.
I turn on my heel and storm back to my house, leaving Cynthia alone in the driveway.
I slam the door behind me and drift through my hallway, my fists still clenched and my limbs buzzing with anger. At Cynthia, at Tommy and at myself. I know I didn’t handle that situation well at all, but I’m too riled up to go back out there and try and fix it.
I do however stay by the door and peer through the window, just to make sure she gets home alright.
Cynthia stands still in the driveway, her shoulders slumped in utter defeat for several long seconds. I can’t see her face since her back is towards me, but her shadow wavers in front of her on the gravel.
At last she walks to the house next door and lets herself inside.
I turn away from the window and stride into the living room. No more spying. No more thinking about her in general. This whole thing has blown up in my face, and I only have myself to blame.
I knew serious relationships weren’t for me. I learned that from my failed marriage.
Yet here I am, making the same mistakes I did fifteen years ago. Falling too hard for a girl who isn’t
