It’s not really comparable though. Cynthia and I never even discussed anything as serious as marriage. We were playing a game, truth be told. We wanted to see how long we could exist in our bubble where we didn’t talk about the future at all.
I groan as I realize that I’m still her landlord. I’m still going to have to accept her rent payment for the last month of her residence, and I’ll still have to run into her now and then. I consider taking an impromptu vacation. I can work from anywhere, so it wouldn’t be that difficult.
I collapse into a chair and run my hand over my face. I’m exhausted all of a sudden. And am I really that much of a coward that I have to run away from this mess?
I wonder what she’s doing over in her apartment. Guilt twinges in my chest. She looked pretty distraught. And not just because she had been caught kissing someone else. In fact, when she first saw me, she looked shocked but not guilty. Because maybe she didn’t actually do anything to be guilty about.
What did she say? That he kissed her?
It had been brief, I saw that. I only saw the back of his head, so I couldn’t really see how she responded, but it was clear it ended quickly.
And instead of giving her time to explain what happened, I lashed out. She didn’t give me a simple backstory in seconds, so I said awful things. And that’s when she got upset. Too upset to talk.
I press my hand against my mouth and grimace. I could have handled that whole situation better. I could have let her speak.
Instead I said the meanest things I could think of and then stormed off.
Now she’s all alone over there, probably cursing my name. She probably regrets the day she asked me to fix her water heater.
A thickness grows in my throat, and with a massive moan, I bury my face in my hands.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Cynthia
I don’t even make it all the way up the stairs before the tears start pouring down my face.
This whole evening has been a disaster. I throw my bag down and run to my bedroom, where I collapse on my bed and wrap my arms tightly around my torso.
I feel like I’m falling apart. Like my heart has been blown asunder, and now the explosion is ricocheting through the rest of my body, ripping open my limbs.
I let out great heaving sobs. I don’t understand how Nate could be so cruel to me. Of course, I see how he could misread the situation. And I understand how much it might have hurt to see me with someone else. If I had seen him kissing another woman, I would be devastated.
But I was trying to explain. The kiss was obviously nothing to me. He must not have seen how ambivalent I was. I only let Tommy kiss me because I felt bad for a friend, and I didn’t know how to stop it without hurting his feelings.
Only Nate was so angry, I got overwhelmed. I couldn’t find the right words. And everytime I tried, he cut me off to say another devastating thing.
I suck in my breath and cover my face in my hands. I’m sad, but I’m also angry at Nate. He shouldn’t have lost his cool like that. I thought he was more able to handle his emotions.
Of course, I’m one to talk. I’m the girl who ran away to a dumb party because I couldn’t deal with the uncertainty of my relationship with Nate. And out in the driveway, I’m the one who got too emotional to tell him the truth: that Tommy meant nothing, and it’s him I truly love.
I lift my head and stare straight ahead.
Love. Do I really love Nate?
The answer is yes, but that doesn’t bring me any joy. It just makes me cry even harder.
Because it’s over. He said it was. And if I know one thing about Nate, it’s that he means what he says.
After a while, I run out of tears. I slowly change out of my uncomfortable party clothes and into a pair of cozy pajamas. They don’t make me feel much better.
I’ve grown used to sleeping in Nate’s arms every night. How am I supposed to sleep alone now?
I take a few deep breaths and then walk to my kitchen to drink some water. As my head starts to clear, I realize there were so many things I could have said to him out in the driveway. I could have said that Tommy kissed me, and I didn’t want to hurt him so I didn’t push him away. I could have explained that Tommy confessed his feelings and I told him we could never be together because I wanted to be with Nate.
Instead I stood there and stammered like an idiot and let him wound me with his words. My head was still reeling from the difficult conversation with Tommy. I wasn’t prepared for Nate to lash out like that. I wish he had just been a little more patient.
And yet at the same time, I know that an injured animal backed into a corner will always fight to the death. Nate was hurt by my unwilling kiss with Tommy. Beneath his cruel words and anger, I could sense the pain. It kills me that I made him doubt me like that. I want to run over and apologize. He’s only a few yards away, after all, but I can’t do it. He owes me an apology as well.
I don’t know what to do. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I don’t know how to make myself feel even slightly better.
Even going to my bathroom is traumatizing. As soon as I walk inside, I remember the first time we had sex. I remember the moment he looked at me with blazing intensity, and I knew in my bones that my life was about
