But Eve McKay and her husband, Alex, had divorced at one point and then figured their shit out, and they seemed solid this time around.
Kim held a hand out. “Forget I asked that. It was rude. I’m sorry. I think I’ll…”
Eve reached for her hand. “It was hard. I didn’t want to for a long time. I was punishing him in a way, but the worst part was all the years I punished myself.”
Kim hesitated. This might not be a road she wanted to go down. It might be better to let it lie and move on. Wasn’t that what she’d been trying to do all along? She’d chased after Beck for years. She didn’t need to do it anymore. They could be over.
Eve leaned in. “I’m glad you’re talking about it. It’s healthy to talk about it, Kim.”
“You’re the only one who calls me Kim. Everyone else calls me Solo.”
“You’re only Solo if you choose to be,” Eve said softly. “I think you hide behind that nickname more than you want to. I think it feels like a shield here.”
Eve was good at her job. Which was precisely why Kim should stop talking, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.
“It was always armor. It was a stupid nickname I got in training, but it came to mean something to me. I needed it when I worked with the Agency.” She shook her head because she wasn’t being honest, and there was zero reason to lie. Being open felt…better. “I think I’ve always had some kind of armor. Whether it was a nickname or a blustery attitude, I’ve always hid behind something. I learned early on how much other people could hurt me. I learned that from my parents, from the kids of people who hated my parents. The world I grew up in sucked.”
Eve cocked a brow. “Did you ever wonder why you didn’t get out when you could?”
“I did get out. That’s why I joined the Agency when I did.”
“But the Agency is full of intrigue and backstabbing,” Eve pointed out. “Don’t get me wrong. There are great people at the Agency, but when you work as an operative, you’re always lying to someone. Beck was in that world, too, but I don’t think he was as ready for it as you were.”
“He was excellent at his job.” For some reason she always felt like she needed to defend him.
“No, he wasn’t. He wasn’t able to follow orders in the end,” Eve argued. “There were several cases of his where he went against what he was asked to do.”
“An operative isn’t a soldier. Beck made the best decisions he could.”
“Would you have made the same?”
“No, and I probably would have been wrong.” She sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened between us if we’d met in a regular office. If he’d been an accountant and I’d been the chick who made copies.”
“See, that’s interesting. You put yourself in an inferior position.”
“I’m not here for a session, Eve.”
Eve shrugged. “But you kind of are. It’s what D/s is for a lot of us. It doesn’t have to be some therapy where you process your emotions. Think of it as a session where you attempt to get what you need, whether that be a particular type of stress relief or being able to communicate more intimately with your partner. This kind of play often reveals parts of ourselves we don’t give much consideration to. I find it interesting that you put yourself in a position where Beck is over you even in your fantasies. Is that because you think he needs it?”
The whole conversation was making her uncomfortable. But didn’t she need to figure out why she did this to herself time and time again? Was it comfortable behind her walls? What would she teach her son if she kept this up? She didn’t want Roman to learn to live the way she did. “Maybe it’s because he was teaching a class when I met him.”
“I don’t think so. Did you ever work together?” Eve asked.
She shook her head. “No. He mostly worked alone, and so did I.”
“So once you completed your training, you were equals.”
“Yes.”
“Were you submissive in your marriage?”
She snorted at the thought.
A knowing smile crossed Eve’s face. “I didn’t think so.” She sobered. “So why do you think you imagine yourself as his subordinate?”
When she really looked deep, she knew the answer. “I lied to him. I did it for reasons I thought were good, but I lied. I suppose I feel like I need to make it up to him.”
Eve nodded as though she’d come to the same conclusion. “He’s forgiven you. I don’t believe he wants to punish you in any way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t punish yourself. I’ve found humans are excellent at finding ways to hurt themselves.”
“I can accept that.” She had been in such a bad place. “But I wasn’t punishing myself when I walked away from him in Paris.”
“Weren’t you?”
“Eve, you don’t know the things he said to me. He ripped me apart.”
“And there was a man waiting in shadows to do worse,” Eve argued. “You could have called Ian. You could have told him you wouldn’t spend another minute with Beck.”
She hadn’t even considered making a call. “Ian wasn’t my friend. He was Beck’s.”
“Yes, but Ian understands how people can tear each other apart. He would have sent someone else to be with you. You left for two reasons. You left because you didn’t trust anyone else in the world to help you once Beck had lashed out.”
That was true. “And the other reason?”
Eve reached out and put a hand on hers. “Because everyone who should have loved and
