Kim went quiet. The need to cry was there inside her, but there was a wall between her and that emotional well. A wall she’d erected so many years before. A wall she wasn’t sure she could live without. “Maybe. But I don’t feel that way now. My life changed the minute I found out I was pregnant. I love my son. I can’t live the same way. But I don’t know how to handle having Beck back in my life.”
Eve shifted, sitting back and giving her some space. “The question is can you forgive him. You lied but he walked away. You have to acknowledge that his was the greater infraction. He caused the greater harm. It’s not a contest, but you get to be angry with him.”
“Beck has high standards.”
“I think you’ll find Beck has relaxed a bit over the years. He’s done a lot of work on his anger issues.”
There was far more to the problem. “I guess I don’t understand what he was so angry about. I know his bio dad was a piece of shit, but he spent the majority of his childhood with Ezra’s dad. He was a good guy. His parents loved him. He had a brother who looked up to him like he was some kind of a superhero.”
“Some men don’t need a reason to be angry,” Eve replied. “They’re born with it. It fuels them in a way. But it can eat them up if they don’t figure out how to control it. My husband took something that happened to me and made it about him.”
Kim nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s safe to say Beck did that, too. What he doesn’t want to acknowledge is that Levi would have done this to anyone I fell for. He was incidental.”
“Harsh, but potentially true,” Eve agreed. “Some men struggle to understand anything they can’t control. It was easier for Beck to understand someone coming after him. The same way it was easier for Alex to think about revenge instead of taking care of me. I was the one who’d been assaulted, but Alex focused on punishing my attacker instead of helping me piece myself back together. It took years for me to forgive him, but I did because I love him and I’m happier with him than I ever was without him. Our marriage is far stronger today than it was then.”
“What if it happened again?” It was why she really couldn’t wrap her head around reconciling with him fully.
Eve was silent for a moment. “I believe deep in my heart that Alex would let Ian handle any investigation and he would concentrate on his family. I believe Beck has changed, too.”
Could she love the new Beck? It was a foolish question because she already loved him. She simply wasn’t sure she could trust him. “Charlotte thinks I should move here and pretend like nothing happened.”
“You don’t want to do that, do you?”
“I’ve changed so much. I worry if I stay here, I’ll fall back into the same patterns I used to follow. I didn’t like who I became in the end. I learned to treat it all as a game. I don’t want to be that person again. I know a lot of people would say then don’t be.”
Eve shook her head. “It’s difficult to change your nature. It’s much easier to understand what kind of pressure you can handle and what you can’t. Kim, you need to do what fulfills you. Not what you thought you should do or what would shock your parents. You’re past that, and now you don’t have to worry about Levi. You need to ask yourself what you want.”
“And if it isn’t Beck?” It was a question she wasn’t sure she wanted to answer.
“Then you two need to sit down and figure out how to move forward as parents,” Eve advised. “Before that, I want you to think about giving him the chance to confront how he treated you, to truly see what it did to you. To take that into himself and apologize with his whole heart. You might not want to be his wife again, but he’ll always be Roman’s father. You understand that you don’t owe anyone forgiveness, right? People who transgress against you are not owed your grace. You decide who deserves it. But I think Beck is important enough to you that you do owe him your honest emotion.”
That wasn’t what she’d been expecting from Eve. “I would think the psychologist would tell me forgiveness is important.”
Eve seemed to consider what she said next. “It is, but it’s also important to know that forgiveness is like submission in D/s. You’re in control of it. It comes from you, and you make the decision whether or not to give it. Our society puts pressure on people to forgive even when the transgression cuts so deeply the injured party will never be the same. You can live without forgiving. You can let go of what he did to you without forgiving him. It’s up to you.”
She was sure of one thing. “I’ll never forgive Levi.”
“But the question we’ve been dancing around is the one I had to deal with before I could move on.”
“What’s that?”
“Can you forgive yourself? And that, my friend, is the one forgiveness you might truly owe. I know it sounds crazy but tonight might help you figure out how you want to move forward with Beck if you let it.”
She shook her head. “We agreed this would be a place where we don’t worry about those things.”
Eve went quiet for a moment. “All right. Well, if you want to talk more, my door is open. Beck has Kai. You should have someone to talk to as
