THE BITTEN COINS
The CFC has taken some fascinating measures to stimulate the economy of Spume during chronic gold shortages, but surely the most eccentric is the tradition of the Bitten Coin. Under this scheme, gold increases with the number of consecutive Captains who have owned it, as it means it has been stolen more often. Captains traditionally test the quality of coins by biting them, and since each Captain has a distinctive bite mark recorded at Remittance Island, the indentations on a piece of currency map out the chain of theft it has passed through, and therefore its value. Canny travellers can take advantage of this financial alchemy, if they can make sense of how it works.
DAILY SAMPLE COSTS
BUDGET: Less than 10 doubloons
Roustabout’s quarters in the bilge of a sloop: 4 DB
BBQ sea serpent and seaweed fritters: 2 DB
Bottle of Jenny Blackblood’s Killdevil Rum: 3 DB
Ticket and bucket of rotten fruit for an anti-Navy political play: 1 DB
MIDRANGE: 10–25 doubloons
Bosun’s quarters on a mid-size carrack: 6 DB (7 DB without rats)
Fresh pineapple and turtle-meat kebab: 3 DB
Bottle of Old Bart’s Foul Tymes Rum: 5 DB
Kraken-spotting daytrip from Thalassinor: 4 DB
TOP END: More than 25 doubloons
Captain’s suite on a luxury galleon: 15 DB (including hat rental)
Flame-grilled Kraken steak and actual vegetables: 12 DB
Bottle of Gilded Fran’s Angel Juice Rum: 19 DB
Permit to shoot a man in the arm for no reason: 42 DB
Don’t Forget to Pack …
Vitamin C tablets
Scurvy is a worldwide pandemic on Spume due to the chronic shortage of fruit and vegetables, and is a major concern if you’re planning on staying for more than a couple of weeks.
Nautical supplies
While gold is a must-have for travelling on Spume, remember that common shipboard materials are worth almost as much in a pinch. Metals in particular are extremely hard to come by, so a bag of nails will make you plenty of friends.
Crackers for parrots
It’s a rare Pirate ship that doesn’t possess at least one parrot, and they always want crackers. They also want pieces of eight, but it’s a fool’s errand to give a bird money.
DRESS TO TRANSGRESS – SPUME FASHION
To be a Pirate, you need to look the part. Spume has an astonishingly deep unisex fashion culture where anything goes, and while you’ve got no hope of keeping up with seasonal trends, the buccaneering wardrobe leans on a number of perennial staples:
A cool shirt: Extravagant lace cuffs are de rigueur for Captains, while stripy tops of various kinds are the standard for crews.
Headgear: While you can get by with a salt-stained rag knotted behind the skull, some of the hats constructed for more senior Captains can outvalue the ships of their lesser competitors, and can require two shipmates just to hold aloft.
Beards: Common status symbols, with colour and style denoting social status. False beards can be acquired at exclusive boutique hirsuteries by those declining to grow their own.
Peg legs, hooks and prosthetics: Even the lowliest roustabouts will wear a false eyepatch for special occasions, while committed fashionistas will undergo elective surgery to allow for more outlandish body-part replacements – exotic fixtures such as egg-whisk hands and telescopic shins can be seen at the trendier bars in the Stormwracks.[35]
Pets: Primates and parrots are the most common, although statement pieces including land crabs, bats, ravens and pangolins are seen from time to time. Pets are considered best kept on shoulders, so Pirates will often sport massive single epaulettes incorporating perches, feeders and even small hutches.
Cutlass holder
If you’re going to truly get into the Pirate spirit, you’ll need a cutlass. And if you’re going to climb ladders and swing on ropes with one, the traditional place to hold it is in your teeth. So invest in a leather mouthguard. The Pirates may make it look easy, but be advised: hospitals on Spume are essentially pubs with slightly more blood, so you don’t want to end up in one with a cut-up mouth.
Proper documents
Technically, any human on Spume is designated hostes pirati generis, and is thus eligible for execution on sight – so you’ll want to make sure you pre-print a certificate proving that you are a Pirate, in order to ward off any overzealous buccaneers.
Manners and Etiquette
Let Pirates take the lead in confrontations
The Pirate’s Code is unfathomably complex, and takes a long career on deck to fully understand. While it can be easy to get carried away during a grog marathon and decide it’s the perfect time to threaten a man with a cutlass, you will almost certainly cause grievous offence if your etiquette is anything short of perfect. When in doubt, wait for a Pirate to threaten you, and then escalate according to their lead.
— TESTIMONIALS —
We had a great holiday in Spume, until it came to checking out of our accommodation. As I handed back the keys, the hotel’s Captain called me a good-for-nothing piss weasel, and my wife Sandra got quite upset. She aimed a flintlock at him, and he got extremely offended, grabbing his copy of the Pirate’s Code and pointing angrily at a paragraph of really small text. Even
