— Kenneth Sausage, 42, Bin Engineer
Leave only footsteps, take only memories (and treasure, where permitted)
When island-hopping, especially with Skeleton Pirates, be careful to pay proper respect to the environment. Don’t litter, don’t snaffle souvenirs without asking, and certainly don’t start campfires unless instructed to do so. These fellows take resource conservation very seriously, and will be quick to reprimand you if you help yourself to anything except looted gold.
Don’t shoot albatrosses
As an extension of the above, please, for the love of all that’s good, do not take potshots at albatrosses. For reasons unknown to science, the death of one of these extra-large birds can kill all wind in a fifty-mile radius, potentially adding days to the length of a voyage.
Forget the ‘w’ word
People make many assumptions about Pirate culture when travelling to Spume, and, to be fair, many of them prove to be completely accurate. Nevertheless, one of the more poisonous misapprehensions is the idea that women (or people of any other gender) occupy anything short of an equal role to men in Pirate society. Call a Captain of any kind a wench, and you’re liable to be hauled under a boat on a rope. Not that big a boat, perhaps, but it’s still not a risk to take unless you properly love barnacle abrasions.
4. SUGGESTED ITINERARIES
1. TREASURED ISLANDS:(2 WEEKS)
From the Yohos to the Stormwracks
This tour eases visitors into the Pirate life, taking them from the balmy and non-threatening Yohos, through ever-increasing levels of maritime mischief, to the Stormwracks themselves.
DAYS 1–2
Starting off in the merry fishing village of Avafite, spend a couple of days orienting yourself before heading off to sea. If you’re into daytime drinking, the local Scoundrel’s Academy runs great activities for the kids to enjoy while you get trolleyed.[36] Before you leave, make sure to catch an evening meal at a tavern holding a scheduled ‘brawl’ – areas for fighting are clearly marked with red paint, so you don’t have to endure a sweating gunner’s mate crashing through your dessert if you don’t fancy it.
DAYS 3–6
Once you’ve got your sea legs ready, book passage on a pleasure sloop heading to the Stormwracks (the Wobbly Dogfish and the Maiden’s Belch are tidy, well-run ships), and learn some colourful shanties from the crew. There are plenty of great day excursions to be had at the ports along the way: we recommend Madame Flannigan’s Parrot Farm & Used Ape Sanctuary. Less recommended is the pungent immensity of the Hedstrom & Sons fish tinnery, while at the very bottom of your sightseeing list should be the wheezing racket of Port St Boafus’ sixty-strong accordion orchestra.
BEST BARS IN KEELHAULYER
As in most port towns, Keelhaulyer’s taverns hang clear, Code-mandated flags above their doors stipulating the level of general mayhem accepted within. This helps tourists avoid unnecessary violence, while allowing the authentic ‘all you can beat’ experience for true thrill-seekers.
Rancid Bob’s Appalling Teahouse (White Flag – fisticuffs prohibited)
Pleasant establishment, if a little rough around the edges. What makes it appalling are the teas, which are brewed from mushrooms collected at random by Bob himself. They can do anything from putting you into a two-day coma to making you see the face of the devil in your own shoes.
The Broken Arms (Yellow Flag – mild peril)
Classic Stormwrack tavern – superb for old salts telling blood-chilling tales of mutiny on barren seas, and a decent selection of ales on tap to boot. Can get a bit Beast Mode after midnight, but the locals know better than to do anything more than shake a fist at tourists. The upstairs is a tattoo parlour run by a Skeleton, whose cursed designs will growl threats at you for years to come.
Ironshin Nancy’s Haus of Fights (Red Flag – heavy fighting)
Where Pirates go to settle old scores, in brawls presided over by the metal-legged proprietress herself. Famous for its boast of ‘a ten-minute fight every five minutes’, it’s rarely a quiet night at Nancy’s, and you’re likely as not to leave through a window, smeared in someone else’s blood.
The Carnival of Fists (Black Flag – enter at own risk)
This isn’t even really a tavern. It’s just a windowless barn floored with gravel, where gigantic people go to hammer seven shades of shit out of each other. It’s not even apparent whether they serve drinks. It doesn’t matter. Only violence lives here.
DAYS 7–9
After crossing into the Stormwracks, you’ll spend a couple of days in the lawless port of Keelhaulyer,[37] where the roughest, toughest Pirates gather to swap tall stories over pints of methanol-heavy spirits. Staying at one of the town’s spit-and-sawdust boarding houses (Bad Molly’s or the Two Eyepatches are good options), you’ll have a few days to soak up the town’s madhouse atmosphere and rambunctious nightlife.[38] If you want a breather amidst the excess, be sure to take a walk to nearby Confidence Cove, where Pirates suffering from low self-esteem go to encourage each other in massive group therapy sessions.
DAYS 10–13
When you can resist the call of the waves no longer, sign on with one of the crews headed out of port[39] and experience the brand-new madness of living in a leaky wooden coffin packed with hard-drinking people who roar all day. Ships sail all over Spume from Keelhaulyer, but a natural destination is the storm-tossed region known as the Bundlemarr Heptagon, just a week’s sail west. Making it through the Heptagon is hair-raising to say the least – but there’s simply nothing like hauling rope in the driving rain, singing a song about lost love and public executions, as leviathans breach to starboard by the light of St Elmo’s Fire.
‘It’s coming right for us,’ I hissed in panic, as the beast surged towards our carrack under a moving hill of water.
‘Fear ye not,’ intoned
