Even when the first of the Kraken’s house-width tentacles lummoxed onto the deck, the Skeleton stayed calm, sauntering over and patting the leathery purple flesh as if it were an old, beloved hound.
‘Arr, me fine old lass,’ he said affectionately, as the beast’s great eyeless beak-mount loomed up beside our deck, ‘I’ve missed ye!’
For a moment, I thought he had genuinely tamed the thing. But then it let out a scream like a train full of old modems crashing into a pig farm, and tore away the mainmast with a flick of a tentacle.
‘I think you should probably get the cannons out,’ I warned, as I felt the blood drain from my face with fear.
‘No, no,’ said the Captain wistfully, as the monster began smashing the deck into splinters around him. ‘’Tis just her watery way, is all.’
Nodding sagely as if I understood (reader, I did not), I ran for the lifeboats, just as a second Kraken emerged from the sea on the other side of the deck. Casting off from the rapidly disintegrating carrack, I swore I heard Rattleribs booming with joyful laughter.
I next saw the Captain that night, as I was about to light a fire made from the bleached timbers of the lifeboat. My leaky boat had only made it a few miles, and I’d been forced to maroon myself on what was clearly a one-man island.
Even so, here was Rattleribs, wading out of the sea with crabs scuttling from his ribcage, and his usual enamel rictus somehow looking like a dopey smile. He was in such a good mood, he didn’t even lecture me on my use of the island’s sole palm tree to provide kindling. I was confused to say the least, but offered him a spot by the fire nonetheless.
‘It were a male,’ he said at last, after we had sat in awkward silence for some time.
‘Hm?’ I replied, concentrating on trying to grill a limpet.
‘Ye second Kraken,’ Rattleribs explained. ‘It were a young fella, come to meet his fair maiden o’er the banquet o’ me ship.’
‘But they sunk it, Captain.’
‘Aye, that’s as maybe. But after all these years, I finally got the chance to watch ’em court. He had a hectocotylus like Neptune’s trident, so he did. ’Twas the most beautiful thing I ever did see.’
Then it dawned on me. I didn’t remember much from the zoological primer Eliza gave me, but I knew that ‘hectocotylus’ was the fancy word for octopus dick.[40]
‘Captain,’ I said gravely. ‘They fucked your ship to bits.’
‘Aye,’ he beamed, ‘and I could expire happy with the knowin’ of it, if only ’twere possible for me to die.’
Once again, I nodded as if I understood, and carried on grilling the limpet. The Skeleton Pirates are a strange lot.
— FROM THE TRAVEL JOURNAL OF FLOYD WATT
DAY 14
If you make it through the Heptagon without being dashed to driftwood, your Captain may take you north to Big Windy himself: the colossal, unexplained weather system that looks exactly like a human face, and which constantly huffs out hurricane-force winds like an incredibly angry football manager made of clouds. And if you’re not ready to go home after all that? Well, who knows – perhaps you’ve got what it takes to be a Pirate after all.
2. THAR SHE BLOWS!(10 DAYS)
Skeleton-guided Kraken Hunt in Yonder
Since they don’t need to breathe, the Skeleton Pirates are as happy below the waves as above, and make perfect guides for those who want to see the best of Spume’s wildlife.
DAY 1
After arriving in Yonder at sunset, spend the evening taking in the tranquil emptiness of island life. Poke a crab, shout at a monkey. You know, island stuff. While you’re at it, get pumped up to kill a Kraken, because you know that’s what you’re going to do before this holiday is over.
DAY 2
After a dawn pickup via a quaint wooden submersible, descend to Thalassinor, the sunken city of the Skeleton Pirates. Thalassinor’s ancient, drowned skyscrapers stand in a sunlit wonderland of coral, with every surface that isn’t regularly cleaned sprouting a colourful profusion of marine life. This includes the Skeletons themselves, and many residents consider it a fashion statement to be as festooned as possible in barnacles, sponges, tubeworms and Sea Weed. There are many pressurised, air-filled spaces in the old buildings, where you can enjoy relaxing chamber music played by a skeletal quartet on eerie bone instruments, while looking out at the city’s vibrant coral gardens. It will all be very peaceful, but don’t worry – that big squid’s still gonna die.
DAY 3
If you’ve managed to pay the CFC a ‘licence fee’ to turn a blind eye towards the use of modern SCUBA gear,[41] or if you’re willing to resort to the rather drastic option of taking Cursed Gold and becoming a Skeleton yourself, you can leave your quarters and take a walking tour of the reefs with a Skeleton guide. Out in the blue, you can marvel at the shoals of brightly coloured fish, and feel slightly baffled at the sight of enormous, corroded statues of people who seem to have antlers. Just don’t touch any gold you find scattered by the feet of these statues or you will become a Skeleton for ever. After an evening of crushingly dull mandatory lectures from the Skeletons, on topics ranging from responsible tourism to the philosophical inadequacies of regular Pirates,[42] you’ll be able to catch some sleep before rising at dawn to board your tour vessel – a traditional Skeleton Pirate ship made from the ribcage of a leviathan. That’s right – you’re going Kraken hunting.
DAYS 4–7
The ship will make sail for the Doldrum on a three-day voyage. While aboard, those with a taste for the spooky may choose to drink tea infused with traces of Cursed Gold. While the quantity
