The Olang are the orange-skinned, bat-nosed chief rivals of the Syndicate – a crafty bunch who constantly manage to work around the peacekeeping efforts of their adversaries and cause mischief.[25]
The Unk are a warrior race[26] of tusked, grey-skinned bruisers who used to be the Syndicate’s main antagonists, forever causing trouble, until war was banned. Now they are under the protection of their former enemies, and have honest jobs as security staff on many Syndicate vessels.[27]
3. PLANNING YOUR TRIP
When to Visit
Given the sheer number of different calendars in play across all of SPACE, there’s no one time it’s best to visit, although there are some local cultural landmarks you simply have to see if you can:
Punch Moon Destruction
It’s hard to grasp exactly what the Dictatorship that runs the Galaxy actually stands for, but one thing it loves is building nonsensical superweapons. And the insurrectionists love blowing them up just as much. To ensure cultural continuity, therefore, every five years the Dictatorship begins constructing the Punch Moon, an artificial planetoid armed with a giant extendable boxing glove, with which it threatens to knock a civilian planet’s lights out. The insurrectionists will typically spend most of the half-decade construction period arguing about whether ladies should be seen flying fighter crafts, and then scramble at the last minute to exploit the Punch Moon’s traditional glaring weakness. The Moon’s detonation is an unrivalled fireworks display,[28] and the celebration afterwards lasts for as long as it takes an insurrectionist leader to insist that only men should do the flying next time.
Hephaestan Shag Week
Every twelve years, the frighteningly boring Hephaestans undergo a hormonal transformation that means they spend a week desperate to either fight or bang everything around them. In fairness, they’re perfectly respectful of others’ consent, but it’s still extremely irritating when you’re trying to enjoy a nice evening at an Olangian seafood buffet, only to find a half-dozen pinch-faced logicians running a train on the salad bar.[29]
DON’T MISS: AESCHYLUS ONE
If you fancy an extremely strange cruise with elements of a giant murder-mystery party, I recommend a trip on the Aeschylus One, a battleship turned refugee vessel from a planet whose human occupants were overthrown by androids who looked exactly like people. The ship now wanders round SPACE in a slow circle, with everyone aboard constantly trying to work out which of their peers is secretly a robot. Of course, the tragedy is that the Aeschylus’ organic crew all died of anxiety decades ago: everyone who remains is a robot, pretending to be a human, who’s paranoid that everyone else is a robot.[30]
Getting Around
Getting to even the furthest reaches of SPACE is a trivial business, with trade routes connecting Outpost Bravo to almost every conceivable destination. From the enormous gleaming vessels of the Syndicate, which stop regularly at Outpost Bravo for trade and resupply, to the million-plus ramshackle private vessels known to the station’s docks, you’ll have no trouble finding a conveyance option to match your budget. Just bear in mind that if you want to go somewhere really dicey, or you’ve got sod all in the way of dosh, you’re going to end up on one of the cantankerous, leaky red rocketships of the Space Men, at which point you’re playing Russian roulette with your life.
Eating and Drinking
The restaurants of SPACE between them boast a veritable galaxy of Michelin stars (or at least their cosmic equivalents), meaning a smorgasbord of opportunities for the budding gastronaut. And while shipboard fare can be a little … algal, especially among more austere cultures, you’ll find you’re never more than a few light minutes[31] from a slap-up feed.
SPACE’S
BEST BARS and RESTAURANTS
The Ves Banyopp Taverna – Once renowned as the ultimate hangout for the rowdiest lowlifes in the Galaxy, this legendary dive is now somewhat cleaned up for the tourist crowd, with memorabilia all over the walls and a bar crowded with preening wannabes. You can still get threatened by a geezer with an anus for a face while ordering if you feel you really need to, but it’ll cost you a pretty penny these days.
Finale – Tacky but moderately amusing chain restaurant claiming to be at the end of time, where you can watch the universe ‘explode’ (actually a clever sound and light show) as you eat. Don’t be fooled into paying through the nose for the meat that supposedly ‘implores you to eat it’ – it’s actually just a waiter under the table, doing a silly voice.
Hroopenblups – An extravagant alien-friendly cocktail bar in Syndicated SPACE, run by a lady with three nostrils and an otherwise ordinary face. Great spot to drink glowing neon-coloured mixed drinks while checking out the extravagant fashions on display, or watching Syndicate Science Dreadnoughts launching from the nearby drydock.
The Grand Concourse – Public space on Outpost Bravo, where alien residents hawk their home cuisine. Some foods are genuinely weird – you simply must try the inevitable bowl full of live, glowing tentacles when it’s offered – but many are as disappointingly familiar as the aliens themselves, for example the classic ‘apple with antennae instead of a stalk’.
Recreation Chamber Thirteen – Austere watering hole where the crew of Outpost Bravo go to drink. At all times of day, you’ll find this cramped, windowless hole rammed with rows of Space Men, cheek to jowl but not talking; just pounding back artificial ethanol and sweating. Just about the only concession to fun is the fact that the music – atonal, psychedelic drone rock – is turned up so high that the patrons can’t hear each other howl to themselves in existential despair.
Floyd’s Tip
Space Man cuisine isn’t really much to write home about, having been designed entirely for efficient sustenance over pleasure. The Space Men will take fresh food then grimly hoy it into the hoppers of a giant machine
