— Roger Loaves, 72, Engineer
Did anyone else find Outpost Bravo incredibly creepy, or was it just me? Seriously – that Outpost Alpha exhibition was properly sketchy about what happened in the early days, after that bloke got stranded on the asteroid. Was he really the sole survivor? What did he eat for all that time alone? And what’s the deal with all the ghosts? Don’t tell me it’s just the Space Men who see them – they’re everywhere in the deeper parts of the station.
— Kelly Pigeon, 34, Artist
My husband and I had a fantastic homestay with Gluthoor, a Klambian empath who runs a little boutique just off quadrant three of the hab-ring. They’ve knocked down a lot of the Space Men’s bulkheads to make a bit of room there, and it’s becoming quite a pleasant little district, with a park, a theatre and some decent shopping. We were lucky enough to be there when the station was passing a school of Astrocetaceans, and one came right past the window of our apartment. Unforgettable.
— Maureen Bouffant, 43, Marketing Director
DAY 6
On your last day, it’s time to experience the void itself, as you rent a relatively safe SPACEsuit and head outside for a two-hour SPACEwalk. Most visitors opt to spend their walk staring at the stars in quiet contemplation while praying that the pump on the other end of the air hose doesn’t break down. However, if you’re more of an adventurous type, you can make a good few Starbucks by heading out with a rake and doing your best to dislodge some of the metal-eating starnacles that infest the station’s hull.
2. THE PENULTIMATE FRONTIER:(2 SPACE WEEKS)
Trekking with the Syndicate
It’s all very well mucking around on Outpost Bravo, but if you want to see SPACE in style there’s simply no other way to do it than with one of the Syndicate’s legendary Captains.
DAY 1
After arrival at Outpost Bravo, hang out at the docking complex until you spot a crew of extremely professional-looking SPACEfarers in svelte jumpsuits, with colours corresponding to their jobs. This is the crew of Captain Tess Aquitaine, and they’ll be your hosts for the next few days. They’ll probably be negotiating a legal dispute with some sort of alien, but when they’re done, introduce yourself and board their majestic Science Dreadnought, the SSD Intrepide.
DAYS 2–5
Once aboard, you’ll spend a couple of days being wowed by the Intrepide’s swanky interior, jazz-infused lounges and erotic hologram entertainment. Unfortunately, you won’t see much action. Although Eliza rates Aquitaine,[45] I think she’s dull as dust, as she solves every crisis she encounters with talking, and emotions other than rage. Still, this trip guarantees at least one CSS (Challenging SPACE Situation), chosen from the following list:
Intervention in a civil war between two species of alien who share a planet but have different-coloured noses; they must learn to get along despite their differences.
Capture of an away team by a giant blue octahedron; the shape only lets them escape once they discover the true meaning of compassion.
Visit to the sad planet Lachrimosa, where the ship’s clown on the Intrepide, Blumboid, helps the gloomy Lachrimosans rediscover their sense of fun in time to avert the self-destruction of their world.
Resolution of an interminable squabble between the bridge crew over who left the SPACEmilk out of the fridge.
Floyd’s Tip
Feel free to sleep through your assigned CSS: you won’t miss much. Pretty much all of the action on Aquitaine’s missions could just as easily take place in a supermarket as on a SPACEship, and you’ll be lucky even to see the lasers fire once. Even then it will be to do something soft like set off fireworks.
DAY 6
Captain Aquitaine will drop you off at Klapdran’s, a dilapidated SPACE pub (or SPACE bar ha!) in the outskirts of Chiasmus Quadrant,[46] where you’ll meet up with your second Captain (and by far my favourite) – the legendary Karl Bludgeon. When you meet Karl, he’ll almost certainly be having some gigabeers with the boys from the bridge and wearing some kind of badass jacket over his regulation tunic. Grab him a drink and wait for the inevitable fistfight with one of the pub’s rowdier alien groups to kick off. Karl will win.
DAYS 7–11
After boarding Karl’s ship (also confusingly called the Intrepide), you’ll meet its crew of handsome roustabouts, and join them for an altogether more boisterous tour of the stars. While Karl is bound to respect the ban on war enshrined in Syndicate law, he’s subject to a special exemption allowing him to have fist fights whenever he likes, so the CSS options on his part of the trip are considerably more exciting than Aquitaine’s:
A trip to Blethrigar, homeworld of the Ranidans, where Karl will wander around aimlessly with a ripped shirt until one of the world’s rubbery inhabitants (who despise nudity) tries to lamp him. Then he has a fist fight and goes home.
Crisis in which Karl’s Hephaestan first mate Hrup falls into the clutches of Hephaestan Shag Fever and won’t stop fucking a wardrobe. Karl tells him to cut it the hell out, but Hrup doesn’t listen, so they have a fist fight.
Journey to a planet of purple-skinned aliens where women are treated as property. Karl fist fights its emperor in order to win the right to make out with as many consenting aliens as he likes. Nobody is freed, however.
Encounter with a cloaked Olang warship threatening the Intrepide, until Karl dons his Nuclear Knuckledusters, leaves the airlock while holding his breath and has a fist fight with it.
DAY 12
After a brief detour that hardly bears mentioning,[47] the Intrepide will take you back to Outpost Bravo, from where you can return home, inspired by
