3. CONTRASTING SPACES:(5 OR 192 DAYS)
Hard Vacuum and the Galaxy
This itinerary might seem grim at the start, but the long haul is worth it, if only to appreciate the knockabout fun afterwards as you join the most enjoyable civil war in the Worlds.
DAY 1
Meet with the crew of Sisyphus VII, a joyless border outpost at the edge of Hard Vacuum, as it prepares the cargo ship Boulder 3 for yet another gruelling journey to Sisyphus VIII, the next station along the chain. The hard-faced, malnourished astronauts will give you interminable briefings about how dangerous SPACE is, but don’t listen to a word of it – no matter how much they want SPACE to be difficult and scary, it’s all just wishful thinking. Just give them a knowing smirk and move into your berth on the Boulder 3.
DAYS 2–189
While the journey to Sisyphus VIII could be achieved in minutes with even a low-end faster-than-light drive, the Hard Vacuumers insist on doing everything at sub-light speeds. This means you’re in for twenty-seven incredibly cramped, depressing weeks on a ‘real’ SPACE mission, cooped up with a load of humourless bores. You’re not even allowed to open a window to let the breeze in. You will come to be able to tell each crew member by the smell of their farts, and you will grow to hate them all.
DAY 3 (OR DAY 190, IF YOU’RE HARDCORE)
Luckily, when you can’t handle any more, and you feel The Madness might be closing in, you can bail out at any moment. I lasted until the second day of the voyage – but who knows, you might stick it out for longer!
Either way, when you’re ready, punch the pre-agreed code into your SPACEphone and a battered freighter will show up in a blaze of light, having crossed the light years from its home port in a matter of moments. This will absolutely enrage the Hard Vacuumers, and they’ll bang on the windows of the Boulder to complain that FTL travel isn’t possible. After that, they’ll get even angrier when they realise the freighter’s pilot can hear them banging, and is laughing with derision. Take your leave of them, making sure to get your own back for the farts by leaving the door open on the way out.[48]
Once aboard your new ride, you’ll meet its pilot – the dashing rogue Jimmo Smirk – and his nine-foot-tall dogman friend, Gnnnnnnnnngh. The pair are smugglers, flying right under the noses of the Dictatorship with a hold full of contraband, and they live aboard the ship with a Sword Monk whose name I can’t remember since he waved his hand in front of my face once too often.
IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
While onboard, make sure to kick back and take advantage of the onboard creature comforts. You can play a sci-fi version of Connect 4, where the counters are little holographic monsters, or chat with what’s-his-name the Sword Monk about his bonkers religion. He might even cajole you into firing a handgun in the close confines of the guest lounge while wearing a blindfold, claiming it’s a mystical experience. Alternatively, switch on the megatelly and watch a SPACE Opera beamed directly from the Galactic Capital – I recommend The Saga of Nasty Daddy, a three-part epic following the life of the naughty boy who grew up to be the armoured colossus at the right hand of the Galactic Dictator himself.
DAY 4
On day five, Jimmo, Gnnnnnnnnngh and Thingy will take you to the Ves Banyopp Taverna, on the planet of Thrasheroo, for a big night out. Things will get hairy and limbs will be severed – the Sword Monk can’t hold his bloody drink at all – but by the end of the night you’ll all have declared each other best mates, and someone will have ended up nearly copping off with a relative. When Jimmo realises he’s way too pissed to fly his ship back to orbit, you’ll all climb inside a dead animal to stay warm for the night, and wake up feeling like death.
DAY 5
Honestly, Ves Banyopp was too much for me, and I had to head home at this point. I think I was meant to be going to some kind of swamp to learn sword fighting from a muppet, but I really couldn’t handle it on that level of hangover.
WELCOME TO GRONDORRA!
Wind-blasted plains, steaming jungles, peril and pleasure and awe: all await you on Grondorra! Here is a grandeur too brutal to be tamed, and where there is no beaten track – save that which you beat for yourself with the flat of a sword. It’s not an easy destination, but it never fails to reward the mighty.
Why Grondorra!?[1]
If destinations were meals, then perhaps Mittelvelde would be a hearty stew and Spume a rich bouillabaisse. Good, balanced dishes, nourishing the senses and the soul alike. Grondorra!, by contrast, would be a bucket of raw mince eaten with clenched fists at the heart of a thunderstorm. This primeval moon, at the heart of the Pulp Nebula, screams around the gas giant Grum in a cloud-scrapingly low orbit, packed with broadswords, magic, dinosaurs and (thanks to its situation within SPACE) ray guns and rocketships too. It’s old school, to say the least. And yet it commands such primal romance, such jagged authenticity that even self-proclaimed sceptics will find themselves drawn to return again and again.[2]
Climate and Terrain
Grondorra is girdled by the Great Plain, a lunar sea of parched grass, fraying occasionally into skeleton-haunted desert or parting around volcanic jungles. The Plain is pocked with the remnants of a thousand civilisations – some mere ruins, others still clinging to the stagnating decadence of former glory. But between them is only emptiness … and Barbarians.[3] Grondorra crashes regularly through Grum’s debris rings like a roustabout being hurled through a
