History
Grondorra’s history is a nightmare to unpick, as its thin soils conceal an ocean of ruin: the bones of once-mighty civilisations lying atop one another in a planetary mass grave. There are even gods down there – or at least monsters horrible enough to mistake for them.[6] Answering the question of who was here first, however, is akin to trying to work out who started a drunken argument. However, several discoveries of ancient rock paintings suggest that before everything got complicated, the first Barbarians shared the world with the Deer Folk, a people they represented as deer-headed humans with slit-pupilled eyes.[7]
Meet the Barbarians
Only one culture has remained a constant through all of Grondorra’s wild history: the iconic Barbarians, as raw and ruthless as the moon itself. They are … big. Thanks to the low gravity, the Barbarians grow large enough to consider seven feet dumpy, and are stacked with rippling pecs, thighs like overfed pythons and abdominal muscles like a child’s drawing of a window. They are extremely erotic, if you’re into that sort of thing.
But despite their sheer physical presence, these Nietzschean beefcakes believe the mind is the greatest muscle of them all.[8] Indeed, the Barbarians spend much of their time deliberating over the question of what is ‘good in life’ – usually by oiling up, swaggering into cities and taking whatever they want. It’s a strange means of contemplation, but it never leaves them short of an answer. They are hedonists, unconcerned with anything except the pursuit of experience and its seizure through individual prowess.[9]
DON’T FORGET TO PACK: OIL
Even if you’re not a particularly beefy sort, you’ll draw a lot of funny looks in Barbarian company if you don’t grease any exposed flesh until it glistens. This will confer the additional benefit of making you slip from the hands of any potential strangle-happy assailants.
PRAISE GRUM
Almost universally, the Barbarians worship the gas giant Grum, loving it just as much as they despise Gak, the ant-faced god. They understand Grum is just a ball of gas with no feelings or agency – but they love it anyway, because it’s so big and impressive. When Barbarians find themselves looking down the barrel of old age, they may choose to muster their strength for a final feat. Taking advantage of the moon’s low gravity, they will sprint right up one of Grondorra’s tallest mountains, before taking a mighty leap from its miles-high peak. While nine out of ten warriors will simply soar away in a long parabola before becoming a smear of red somewhere in the desert, some are strong enough to achieve escape velocity, and will literally jump into SPACE. It’s a hell of a way to go.
Occasionally, Barbarians will congregate in huge nomadic groups in order to storm larger settlements and socialise. During these swarming periods, Barbarians of all genders will mate enthusiastically, and when this results in pregnancy, newborns will be left gently in the wake of the horde’s passing to be raised by wolves.[10] The hordes never last, however – the Barbarians know they are a sort of natural regulator to the development of civilisation,[11] and so always make sure to demolish their factions before long, in glorious infighting over loot.[12]
Animalmen
Grondorra is famous for its proliferation of Animalmen – a species in which the heads and other components of animals are magically fused with extremely buff human bodies.[13] While some types of Animalmen don’t do so well,[14] others (most notably the prolific Lizardmen) can be found in abundance. All the Animalmen love capturing people and are masters of stealth and ambush. Fear not, though: once captured, it’s remarkably easy to astound them into thinking you’re a magician, which usually allows for a prompt escape.
Space Men
Grondorra has its own moon,[15] the grey, barren ball of rock known as Clax. It’s home to a miserable colony of Space Men from Outpost Bravo, determined to survey the savage moon as part of their inscrutable Mission. You’d think their technology would give them a considerable advantage on this primitive world, but any head start is mitigated entirely by their dismal luck and frequent blunders. Their faulty rocketships are constantly crashing, leading to the Space Men getting captured by Animalmen, or ending up bare-chested and fighting off swarms of eels or other vicious creatures. The Space Men pity the Barbarians for their savagery and simplicity, while the Barbarians piss themselves laughing at the fastidious, fragile masculinity of the Space Men and their complete refusal to admit they’re struggling.
PULP FRICTION:
ANIMALMAN IDENTITY POLITICS
Whenever discussing Grondorra’s smorgasbord of Animalman species, the question of whether it’s right to call them ‘men’ comes up. The answer, as I discovered in the battle arena of the Crayfishmen, is complex.[16] While I thought I was being open-minded in calling them Crayfishpeople, in recognition of the range of genitals the flimsiness of their loincloths did little to conceal, the snippies insisted on my calling them men.[17] Oh, and go easy on animal jokes. It’s all too easy to let loose what you think are a series of real thigh-slappers after a jar or two of the local rotgut. But before you ask an Anteaterman ‘why the long face?’ or jokily refuse to play cards with a Cheetahman, think long and hard about whether you are the first person to do so.[18]
The Urrizanians
At any given time on
