3 Witness an epic battle between good and evil
The best time for witnessing giant battles was a while back, during the War of the Haunted Mace. Still, even with the Duke of Night dead and most of her Orcs rehabilitated, plenty of copycat warlords have sprung up in recent years, raiding the edges of the noble Bison King’s realm.[6] Reprisals are common, and tour operators can arrange viewings at a safe distance, with a chance to loot the battlefield for souvenirs afterwards. In Fysteros, of course, battles are virtually a daily occurrence – although since both sides are almost always made up of complete bastards, there’s rarely any sense of ‘good versus evil’ to them.
4 Find a cursed trinket
Mittelvelde’s history isn’t all on parchment – it’s written in the soil and the rock, with layers of dungeons and catacombs that date back to the earliest ages of the world. And as any connoisseur of fantasy travel knows, dungeons mean treasure: just half an hour’s rummaging through cobwebbed bones will likely win you a mysterious heirloom, with a grim enchantment to boot.[7] It’s all luck of the draw – you might find a crown that turns the wearer into a ghost or an amulet that whispers playground insults at night. Who knows? Maybe you’ll lose your mind, run off to live in a cave and spend decades crooning obsessively to an enchanted hair clip. It’s all part of the fun.
EPOCHAL STRUGGLE
The sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth ages of Mittelvelde have been defined by conflicts in which humans, Elves and Dwarves have banded together to defend their lands from a series of increasingly large maniacs in spiky armour. These Orc warlords always have a similar MO:
1: Forge an enchanted weapon.
2: Scrape together a legion of Orcs and Goblins, garnished with whatever monsters they can scare up from the badlands.
3: Take a big swing at decent civilisation.
The last of these conflicts – the War of the Haunted Mace – was the fault of Yattan-Gur, the Duke of Night,[8] an Orcish sorceress who raised an army a hundred-thousand strong to carry out her will. However, despite the Duke’s dreaded machinery at Gollimmar, and the ghostly bludgeon she wielded (which gave the war its name), the Forces of Good prevailed in the end. Thanks to the Bison King’s bravery,[9] the Haunted Mace was shattered, robbing the Orcs of its hideous strength, and the Duke’s generals – led by the repentant Orc chieftain Grimlakk – turned on their dark mistress, boiling her alive.[10] It was a great day for Good.
Region by Region
Of Mittelvelde’s landmasses, the largest by far is the continent of Tinnethaine. While another major continent far to the west is also rumoured to exist – the Elvish homeland of Larathainne – its viability as a destination is complicated by the fact that it’s partially a metaphor. Tinnethaine, which is much easier to understand, is split up into the following regions:
1 Tharn
Tharn’s lush grasslands are the original territory of the famed Bison King, the most powerful human ruler in Mittelvelde. His new capital at Bannahirr might be controversial to some,[11] but it’s first-class for luxury, thanks to wealth liberated from the former territories of the Duke of Night.
2 Rannewicke
Tharnish vassal state: very rural. Think pigs, wheelbarrows and old men roaring in dank pubs. All forests guaranteed non-haunted, except for mysterious roadmen who sing nearly incessantly. Ideal for those who want fantasy without even the mildest of peril.[12]
3 Kolkozar
Kolkozar, the queendom of the Dwarves, sprawls beneath the mighty Wyrmryggrad mountains, and can be about as fun to holiday in as a working mine. Because that’s what it is. But for those in the know, it’s also got a reputation as Mittelvelde’s ultimate nightlife destination.[13]
4 New Tharn
New Tharn is where most Orcs and Goblins live, and it was the Duke of Night’s capital during the war. Even under the Bison King’s generous rule,[14] it hasn’t quite recovered: the liberated Orcs still live in gargantuan slums, while the sky is dark with smog from the Duke’s reclaimed war forges, built on the volcanic highlands of Gollimmar. There’s no doubt, though: New Tharn is on the up and up, and could be next year’s hottest destination.
5 Mathelvayle
Once the great garden of the Elves, Mathelvayle has become overgrown by a vast, dense forest since their departure, and is now home to giant talking centipedes, renegade Orcs and all manner of beasts. It’s rough, tough country, but it’s the last word in gloomy fantasy forests.
6 Syrillar
On the coastal plain of Syrillar sits Alethiar, the long-deserted capital of the Elves. And while the weird immortals who built it are still sighted there from time to time, the savannah beyond its walls is blissfully empty.
7 Kranagar
After the collapse of the Dwarven queendom that flourished there, this underground metropolis is now hopelessly tangled with Tinnethaine’s dungeonsphere. Once, only die-hard adventure tourists would consider plundering its depths, but these days – especially since the establishment of Descensus as an adventure-sports capital – it’s overrun by group bookings.
8 Fysteros
Fysteros is a grim, dark land isolated from the rest of Mittelvelde, comprising seven human-only kingdoms, whose inhabitants spend all their time squabbling over a metal chair. And with the coffers of the ruling houses so exhausted by constant war, you can be sure it’s packed with tourist-traps.
9 Bludvarle
If Fysteros is bad, Bludvarle is worse. A dismal arse-beard of tundra trailing out into the arctic sea, it is peopled by frostbitten hulks who seem to exist only to constantly invade Fysteros. Unless you are desperately into ice fishing or starvation, there’s little
