2 Discover fantastic beasts and get trashed with them
While the Mundane world is covered in a dismal patchwork of commercial farms and suburban sprawl,[6] its magical pockets are full of deep, pristine forests and gleaming mountains, still thronging with the magical creatures that always lived there. What’s more, many of these ancient species are highly intelligent, from hybrids such as Centaurs and Taszraks to Klatterlings, Bogberts and other strange peoples. All are long-term allies of the Wizardes, and – with the notable exception of the ancient Faeyrie, who have retreated into the deepest woods of late – they always tend to be up for a shindig.
3 Cast your first magic spell
Whimsicalia is absolutely dripping with magical energy, and tends to reveal at least a modicum of thaumaturgic capability in most offworld visitors. Even better, the magic itself isn’t that hard to use: under the watchful eyes of a Greeblewhoz tutor you can go from being a complete novice to levitating a small hound in a little under a week.[7] Of course, the magic won’t stay with you when you go home – but isn’t that as good an incentive as any to go back?
4 Play Grunche
Of all the games and sports that have evolved across the Worlds, perhaps none is more celebrated than Grunche. This joyfully anarchic pursuit requires a panoply of skills, as participants are levitated around the pitch in cauldrons by their teammates, barging into their opponents in an attempt to … well. OK. The rules take a good while to explain, but once you get the broad idea and realise that 90 per cent of play is irrelevant to who wins in the end, it’s an utter hoot to spectate.
Region by Region
In this guide, we’ll focus on the island of Albionus, the heart of Wizardely society. There are other countries, of course, but they seem mostly there to add flavour and frankly aren’t as important.
1 Lundowne
Lundowne is the Mundane capital of Albionus, and – since the peace agreement outlawed unsanctioned portals – the only place tourists can travel between the Worlds, on the famous Dead Toad Road. It’s also home to the official Wizarde ministry, the concealed Department of Magic, where simpering mages in brightly striped suits act as a figurehead government for Whimsicalia.[8]
2 Greeblewhoz Academy
Rebuilt and extended by countless generations of Wizardes, the once-humble castle of Greeblewhoz now sprawls over countless acres of pristine highland in the far north of Albionus. That may seem a little big for a school that only takes in a few-hundred students a year,[9] but those students are very special people, and they deserve it. Besides, Greeblewhoz is more than just the Academy: it’s the de facto capital of magical society.[10]
3 Chumbleton
Although it was razed to the ground during the war, the Wizardes made it a point of pride to rebuild the charming village of Chumbleton even more beautifully than before. On the edge of the Enchanted Forest, just a few miles from Greeblewhoz, its wonky, timber-framed cottages provide an ideal location for the Academy’s elites to kick back with the rest of magical society.
4 The Enchanted Forest
Much of Whimsicalia is swathed in enchanted forest, but this stretch of primeval woodland is particularly … foresty,[11] and particularly enchanted. In its sun-stippled margins, one can enjoy lazy afternoons watching jewelled bees gather sparklepollen from the carpet of flowers, their low hum harmonising with the susurrations of the leaves. Just … stay in the margins. The heart of the forest remains the domain of the Faeyrie, and even Greeblewhoz headmasters are in the habit of asking permission before going too deep in.[12]
5 Crickledale
Crickledale, a county of chilly, rain-slick hillsides where the sky is enchanted into a permanent state of gloom, is the ancestral home of the Dark Wizardes. Here they gather, with their velvet capes and astonishing bone structure, to mutter about their own superiority to everyone else over meals of black wine.[13]
THE HOUSES OF GREEBLEWHOZ
BOLDERBIFF
Despite pages of rather unconvincing denial in the Academy’s prospectus, this is where Mr Grinnywithers puts all the most heroic students. Bolderbiff members are brave, strong, handsome and charismatic, and tend to have brilliant self-esteem. They were natural choices as officers during the recent bother war.[14]
(House Sigil: an owl with muscular arms instead of wings)
JAGGLETON
Generally likeable but a bit awkward and far too smart to like yourself? You’re a classic fit for Jaggleton. The house for high achievers and nerds, Jaggleton supplied many of the finest minds in Greeblewhoz’s R&D dungeon, as well as many of the spies who worked behind Mundane lines during the … war.[15]
(House Sigil: an octopus with horn-rim spectacles)
SNYX
One look at the logo of House Snyx tells you all you need to know – this is the house for Cool Bad Guys. It’s virtually impossible to be taken seriously in Dark Wizarde society without being a Snyx alumnus, and graduates favour an overabundance of capes and black leather in their aesthetic. During the war, Snyx trained assassins, saboteurs and commandos.
(House Sigil: a spider smoking a cigarette)
WURBLYFLOP
With a body of students outnumbering all the other houses put together, House Wurblyflop has always been a sort of catch-all bucket for students with reasonable magic potential but few other defining characteristics. During the war, Wurblyflop alumni were what an unkind commentator might call cannon fodder. (House Sigil: a slightly ill-looking hound)
6 Blacklox Prison
Rising from the storm-lashed waters off the northern coast, Blacklox prison was built at the war’s end by a combined force of Wizarde and Mundane engineers, and remains under shared control of both of Albionus’ governments. War criminals from both sides are incarcerated