Rager never said a word, as he slid down the wall and sat beside me. I rested my head on his shoulder, he did the same. His arms wrapped around my shoulders pulling me to his side, so warm and comforting I could have slept against him for the first time in days.
He kept his arm around me, his thumb caressing my shoulder.
Sometimes I wondered where I stood with a lot of people, and even Rager at times. Who was I to this person? To him? Was I Jameson’s only daughter? Was I Easton Levi’s wife? Or was I Arie Riley? A lot of people never saw me for who I was. I could probably count on one hand the ones that did. They couldn’t. Not in the shadows in which I lived. I didn’t want the spotlight. I wanted sunlight, beautiful warm rays where, for once, I was just Arie.
In Rager’s arms, I got a little glimpse of that light and what it felt like to be her. I guess I wanted to forget what was happening, so I laughed. “I had sex with you.”
Rager laughed, a gentle chuckle that shook the both of us. “Damn. I missed it…”
“In my dreams,” I clarified twisting around to look at him. “I had sex with you in my dreams.”
“Oh, well,” he drew in a deep breath. “I’ve been there before. I’d say give me details but that’s probably not appropriate right now, huh?”
“Probably not.”
We were both quiet for a moment when he said, “Tell me your favorite memory of her.”
I smiled knowing what he was doing right now.
He was distracting me but also, helping me look at the good things in this life. I twisted back around and relaxed into his chest. He kept his arm firmly around me as I spoke. “Christmas morning when I was twelve. I wanted tickets to a concert… hell, I don’t even remember the concert but dad said I couldn’t go. She went out, got the tickets and gave them to me for Christmas. My dad was pissed but he understood when he saw how excited I was over it. She never thinks about what others will think. She just focuses on one and makes them feel like they’re appreciated. I don’t even know how she does it. It’s natural for her.”
Rager’s lips pressed into my temple, his breathing light and easy. “You’re like her in more ways than you’ll ever understand.”
Was I? Did everyone else see it and I didn’t?
“I’m tired,” I said, snuggling into him closer. This probably didn’t look good, but he was what I needed right now.
“Well, I’d say lay your head down in my lap but that’s probably not a good idea,” he teased, winking at me.
So what changed from then to now? Where was that guy that constantly showed up when I needed him?
He’d lost his grip on the track is what changed and there was nothing I could do about it.
Mom stayed with me and the kids that day. I didn’t know what I would do without her this last year. As she sat beside me, waiting on me hand and foot, I decided to open up to her. Something I’d never been very good at. I was more of a private person, but I couldn’t handle this on my own anymore. Since Rager’s accident, we hadn’t connected. Sure, we had sex, but it wasn’t the same. Nothing was. I knew it had to do with Caden and then how horrible Knoxville went for Rager, but it felt like more.
Looking over at my mom, I sighed. “After Dad’s accident, and he was out of the hospital, was everything normal between the two of you?”
“Fuck no.” Mom laughed, reaching for her wine. “He was so moody and weird. Understandably so, but still, it was hard for all of us.”
I remembered it, not well, but I did. Dad was distant with everyone as he tried to process not only his dad dying, but the fact he had been involved in the crash that killed him.
“So what did you do to fix it?”
“I watched porn.”
I burst out laughing. “What?”
“Porn. You know, people fucking.” I wanted to laugh that she thought I didn’t know what porn was. “But it didn’t work. In the end, it was time he needed. Just… time. To heal, to come to terms with the meaning of his life after something so traumatic.”
She had a point. One I had considered.
Hayden showed up with Thai food around four and I still hadn’t heard from Rager.
“Can I see them?” was her first question to me.
“What? Why?”
“Because I want to see if yours compare to Sway’s.”
Mom’s eyes lit up. “Oh, true. I wonder if they’re different.”
“Yeah, I bet it’s like new cars. Different models for every year,” Hayden added.
What the fuck? But now even I was curious.
Mom waved her hand around. “You should show us, and we’ll decided if that’s the case.”
Just as I flipped my shirt up to show them, fucking Willie walked through the door wearing a black JAR Racing hoodie and board shorts like he’d been at the lake all day. When he took his hat off, his hair told the story. He’d been on Lane’s boat most of the day and probably drunk. He smiled at me. “Did I miss the reveal?”
Mom laughed. “She’s not going to show you her tits.”
Willie frowned. “You showed me yours.”
“True.” And then mom glanced over at me. “You can show him if you want.”
Willie looked hopeful and held out a carton of cookie dough ice cream. “I brought ice cream.”
“She didn’t have her tonsils out.” Hayden reached for the ice cream. “But ice cream cures everything.”
“Oh.” Mom took off to the kitchen. “I’ll get the spoons.”
“So….” Willie
