She was looking at him—at him—like he was worth looking at, and for the first time, he questioned it. Maybe it was just his mind creating illusions. For all he knew, Carmen was probably just looking at him the way she’d look at anyone, and like Isla had said, his twisted mind was imagining it to mean something else.
His eyes registered Willa’s figure standing next to Carmen, and he realised it was probably her who called out his name the first time. But she didn’t have the power to break Asa out of his cloud of misery the way Carmen’s voice did. Willa called his name the way it was supposed to be called, but Carmen called him like she was thinking about a new masterpiece she was going to paint.
Maybe Asa was imagining that as well. There was probably nothing extraordinary about the way his name fell past Carmen’s lips. Maybe he was just looking for something in her that he wasn’t going to get, that he didn’t deserve.
He felt her take a step closer to him before he saw her do it, and that was the moment Asa knew he was in way over his head when it came to this girl with midnight hair.
“Asa,” she said softly, and one of her hands came to rest on his cheek.
Asa’s heart had stopped beating when Isla had spoken. His lungs had ceased to function, and he’d forgotten how to breathe. But Carmen’s fingertips were grazing his cheek like she was touching a fragile work of art that belonged in a museum.
He could breathe again. That was what Carmen always did to him. She reminded him to take a step back before taking everything in. To breathe.
And if he wasn’t careful, Asa could fall in love with her for it.
But Carmen was the girl with a touch of galaxies in her veins, who could turn everything she looked at and touched into magic. So who the hell was Asa to think he deserved to be on the receiving end of her attention let alone her kindness?
Hadn’t Isla told him just minutes ago that Carmen was the one he didn’t deserve?
Maybe that was why a part of him always went running after Willa, because deep inside, he knew the way she looked at him with disapproval and weariness was what he truly deserved.
If there was something he was worthy of, maybe it was that judgement. Maybe he was born to be condemned before given a fair trial, so what good was there in trying to fight it? So as much as he wanted to lean his face into Carmen’s palm and get lost into the universe she held in her eyes, he pulled away, stepping back and ignoring the flash of hurt in those pools of silvery grey he’d grown fond of.
He turned to Willa instead, who was looking at him in weariness and concern. There was no judgement in her hazel eyes for now, but he knew—like the others did—it’d return later. It always did.
And that was okay. He needed to learn to accept that. People will always look down on him. He only needed to be a guy and just toughen up and live with it. He needed to have a thicker skin and learn his place. Because even if Isla’s words were knives in his chest, they’d held an ounce of truth.
Maybe he was a coward, after all, just like she’d said. Maybe his issues with his identity and his skin held no significance and they were all in his head. A figment of his imagination. Something that had no place in the real world.
God, he was a mess. And he’d actually entertained the idea of letting Carmen nestle herself into his chaotic mind.
“Are you okay?” Willa asked and he knew instantly it was out of courtesy’s sake. He was sure he didn’t look okay.
But Carmen didn’t ask him that. And without having to ask her why, Asa already knew it was because Carmen didn’t have to. She didn’t have to ask him if he was okay because she knew he wasn’t.
“I’m perfect.” He grinned, squaring his shoulders and dusting his shredded heart under the rug, away from prying eyes.
Willa smiled back, though hesitantly, like she could tell he was lying but didn’t want to push him. And that was okay. Because guys didn’t talk about their issues. Guys were tough. Guys needed to have a bulletproof armour for a skin. He needed to learn to not let the words penetrate his flesh and engrave themselves into his bones.
Goddammit, Asa wanted to scream. He wanted to scream his lungs off so hard so all of the poisonous words Isla had poured in his veins would go out and never flow though his system again. But guys don’t scream. They’re supposed to take the hits and blows and dust it off and get back up like not even a falling skyscraper could hurt them.
“Well, then, shall we head to class?” Willa suggested, smiling up at him genuinely for the first time ever. She must have decided to go easy on him today. “We have AP Lit now, don’t we? All three of us?”
He felt Carmen’s eyes on his face, burning through his flesh and probably seeing his raw and bleeding heart despite his attempts to cover it up. A part of him believed that with her, he could scream. Maybe with Carmen, he didn’t need to wear the suit of armour.
But Asa would never know.
“Yeah,” he replied to Willa, not looking in the direction of the other girl, and no longer having an appetite for lunch “Yeah, we’re already running late, so let’s get going.”
•••
The day wasn’t rushing by as Asa wanted. It took its time, dragging out the minutes
