“What’s that supposed to mean?” Asa could sense she was going into defensive mode now.
Asa pressed his lips together, unsure whether it was a good idea to tell her exactly what was on his mind. But he thought that maybe Isla needed to hear it, and she was most likely to react less drastically if she heard it from him.
“You’re not exactly innocent either, Isles,” he said gently. “You’ve said pretty cruel things to the people you dislike too. Heck, Isles, you’ve done harsh shit to people.”
“They deserved it,” she said coldly, her eyes glaring at Asa with pure venom. It hurt him somewhere deep in his chest to have his best friend look at him that way.
“Don’t you think that’s the same mentality Willa has?” he asked, softening his tone even further but not backing down. “Don’t you also think that in her perspective you deserve it?”
There was a stretch of silence, and Asa noticed the way Isla curled her palms into fists, as if truly making an effort to not hit him right then.
“Isles, you’re my best friend,” he said quietly. “And I love you. I do. But maybe I’ve turned a blind eye to all the shit you’ve pulled and excused certain aspects of your behaviour out of blind loyalty. It needs to stop.”
“You’re taking her side? Really? That ogre?”
Asa was aware they were attracting a little attention now, considering that both he and Isla were standing in the same place without moving.
“I’m not taking sides, that’s what I’m trying to tell you,” he explained. “I’ve only ever stood on your side of the line all this time. But that day, when we all had lunch together, hearing both you and Willa interact, made me think about how that other side of the line looks like. About how our side looks from theirs.”
“Well, congratulations. I’m so fucking happy that you have a conscience Asa,” she snapped. “You can go ahead and join the rest of them with holier-than-thou attitudes. I never needed you anyway. Not the way you needed me.”
Time froze for Asa right then. His heart stopped beating and his lungs ceased functioning as well.
“What?” he whispered.
“You can’t even walk up to Carmen because you’re so fucking afraid of how she’d look at you,” she hissed, throwing daggers with her eyes and twisting them further into him with her words. “You wag your tail behind Willa like some pathetic lapdog, looking for affection and approval in a place where you’re never going to find it.
“You’re so fucking insecure and unsure of yourself you can’t even see that it’s Carmen you’re falling for. But if you think for even a second you deserve her, then you’re wrong.” She jabbed his chest with her forefinger, stabbing him over and over again with the dagger he’d handed to her on a silver platter when he’d claimed her as his best friend to love and cherish with all his heart.
His heart that she was shredding to pieces mercilessly right this moment.
He realised that he did deserve this no matter how much it hurt. Because how many times had he allowed her to rip to shreds the dignity of other students who pissed her off? How many times had he just watched on the side and done absolutely nothing just because she was his best friend in the whole goddamn world?
“You cling to me because I make you feel good in your own skin. You’re the one who’s always needed me, Asa,” she went on, not done with burning every single bridge of self-love he’d struggled to build over the years. Until there was nothing but the charred remains of it, ashes and smoke filling him up on the inside, choking him. Suffocating him. Constricting his lungs and burning his chest.
Until there was nothing left. Until he was nothing.
“Maybe in some twisted way in that mind of yours, I was an armour for whatever Hunter threw at you. Because you couldn’t just be a guy and let go of his remarks.”
Asa was a guy.
I am a guy, Asa thought. I need to have thick skin. I am a guy. I shouldn’t let harsh words build a home in my mind. I am a guy, and I’m supposed to be stronger. I am a guy, and guys don’t break.
“No, you had to be a crybaby about it,” she spat. “Guess what, Asa? There are other people with issues and insecurities, so run along and find someone to play house with. Because I’m sick of being the one for you to lean on.”
And then she walked away with her head held high and her shoulders straight, leaving his maimed and burnt heart lying on the dirty floors of the cafeteria.
As if his heart was always supposed to be walked over and trampled on.
27.
The Road to Self-Love
“Asa?” a familiar voice called softly from behind him, just as he was about to turn around.
Just then the bell also rang, the sound unforgiving to his ears just like how everything around Asa was right now. It sliced through the tensed air in the cafeteria, where everyone knew something had gone down between the two best friends but didn’t exactly know what it was about.
If there was anything Asa could appreciate in all this, it was probably the fact that Isla had kept her voice down the entire time instead of yelling it all at the top of her lungs. That would have been humiliating.
But somehow, he thought it was worse that Isla had kept the volume of her voice in check, because that meant she’d been in control. She’d been in control of her tongue and she’d decided to rip him apart anyway. How much more if her anger had fully erupted?
“Asa.”
It was Carmen’s voice now.
