Carmen’s shoulders stiffened, and the smile dropped from her face instantly. “How do you know I have an art journal?” she asked, frowning slightly, a haze of vulnerability enveloping her and heightening her senses. Had Asa told her?, she asked herself.
Isla blinked, as if debating with herself, before slowly responding, “Well, I found it in Asa’s bag the other day.”
“Oh,” the word tumbled out of Carmen’s mouth with a breath of relief. So maybe Asa hadn’t deliberately shown it to his best friend after all.
“Yeah, we even got into a stupid fight because of it.” Isla laughed, waving her hand in the air dismissively. “I didn’t know it was something private like an art journal. I just saw your name on it and was curious, but he just went batshit crazy.” She chuckled at the end as if reliving the memory in her head.
Carmen’s heart swelled, and she found her lips stretching ever so slightly into a soft smile. Asa was like the sun, she realised. He might not be always near her, but he still found a way to shower her with warmth.
“Oh,” she said again, but this time it was because she couldn’t put into words something she wanted to paint instead.
“Well, that’s what I want, anyway. To make something like a photo album but with sketches of those photographs instead of the images itself. Think you could do it?” Isla bit down on one corner of her lip, looking hopeful.
“Sure.” Carmen smiled. “It will take time though, especially since you said you have enough photographs to fill an entire album.”
Isla nodded. “That’s why I’m coming to you as early as now. So that by the time senior year’s over and it’s time to head over, it’ll be ready.”
“Of course, Isla. You’ll have it by then.”
The bell for first period rang, cutting through the air and reminding everyone their day is far from over.
“See you around, Carmen,” Isla said, smiling and waving as she turned around and headed in the opposite direction. As she walked, Carmen noticed Isla’s shoulders straighten, and her back become rigid. As if she was preparing herself for battle.
Carmen saw herself in Isla in the way she braced herself before stepping into the ring as if their minds were chanting today you fight, today you fight, today you fight in hopes that one day they could just go to sleep without bruised knuckles and bleeding hearts.
Carmen had walked in with heavy bones and a tired soul today. But seeing Isla’s smile made her bones a little lighter and Asa’s warmth burning her soul a little brighter.
Perhaps that was the key to unravelling Carmen: understanding that she wasn’t just Carmen, but a combination of many different worlds. She was made up of the people she crossed paths with. The people who broke her, the people who fixed her, the people who left her, and the people who were nothing more but a memory from another lifetime. Even so, they lived on forever in Carmen’s heart.
Because whether they’d done right by her or wronged her, she’d once loved them. Loved their bones, loved their hearts and loved their souls. And when Carmen West loved, there was no going back. She carried pieces of everyone inside her.
And she was yet to decide if they served as an anchor that brought her home, or just deadweight that dragged her down.
26.
Boys Don’t Break
It was lunch time, and Asa had a startling realisation while walking with a spring in his steps towards the cafeteria: he was looking forward to it.
He hadn’t had a class today that he shared with Carmen so far, and now would only be the time—the first time—that he’ll get to see her.
It wasn’t like in the sixth grade when he had a silly crush on Hayley Woods. He’d used to excuse himself from his third period a few minutes just before it ended every Tuesday under the pretence of using the washroom. He’d lounge by her home-econ class so as soon as the bell rung, he would be able to catch a glimpse of her as she left the room.
It wasn’t like when he had first decided to go and tell the school’s swim coach that he liked swimming and wanted the training to officially play the sport on behalf of the school. He’d look forward to doing it after school, mustering up the courage and walking up to coach’s office before he lost all confidence and walked away.
It wasn’t like when he’d found Carmen’s art journal and mistaken it for Willa’s. He’d thought it would be the perfect excuse to have a run-in with the chestnut-haired girl again. He had anticipated the opportunity then to take away that judgement she held in her hazel eyes whenever they landed on him.
No, looking forward to seeing Carmen was more than the silly hopes of a twelve-year-old to catch a glimpse of his crush. Looking forward to seeing Carmen was more than the excitement of an awestruck fourteen-year-old who wanted to participate in a sport he’d always loved. It was more than the desperation of a confused almost-eighteen-year-old who didn’t know how to love himself and went searching for validation and approval in the hazel eyes of a new student/.
No, looking forward to seeing Carmen was realising that someone he hadn’t even spared a glance until two weeks back had somehow found her way into his bloodstream and there was no flushing her out of his system.
And Asa couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so terrified.
•••
“You look
