8
Callie
“I think… I think it might be a decent position after all.”
It’s so comical to watch Adir shake his head. “Just decent?” he asks dryly. “That’s all you have to say?”
“Well, I can’t say it’s number one until I’ve…”
“Until you’ve what?” he asks, fighting through a yawn.
I giggle. “Are you tired?”
“So ovian tired.”
"You didn't even do anything," I protest. "I did all of the hard work?"
“No, I think I had the hard part down,” he says with a wink.
“You’re terrible.” I giggle as I swat his chest, and then I duck my head down.
“What is it?” he asks. “You’re being all shy.”
“I… I don’t normally giggle so much.”
“It’s cute,” he assures me. “I like it when you giggle.”
“Is that so?” I murmur.
“Yes, but don’t think you can change the subject. You started to say something about not being able to call you being on top number one for some reason. Why is that?”
“I, ah… Until I’ve tried more positions, I just… I don’t know which is my favorite yet.”
I bite my lower lip. It's wrong for me to want to ask him if we can try more positions together, but Adir is the only Novan who bothers to talk to me, to see me as more than just a woman with a wet hole. I'm not just someone for him to fuck.
This has to mean something to him, right? It’s not just one-sided?
But it can’t be one-sided, and it definitely can’t be two-sided. We’re playing with fire here, and Adir is the one who will get burned. I’m not being fair to him.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks.
I shift slightly so I can see his face. His eyes are closed, and he looks so content.
“What makes you think I’m thinking about something?”
“I can sense it.”
“Oh, really? What else can you sense?”
“That you’re worried.”
My heart skips a beat. “Worried? About what?”
“Not knowing which position is your favorite.”
I force a laugh.
Adir opens his eyes, his lips curled downward. "Now, I'm worried."
“Why?”
“Because that didn’t sound like your normal giggle. You really are worried.”
“I’m just tired,” I say, which isn’t a complete lie. I’m plump worn out after riding him.
“I should go so you can sleep,” he says, but he makes no move to leave, and I settle back down on his chest.
If this will be the last time we're together, we can spare a few more seconds or minutes.
“Tell me more about cosmic dust,” I blurt out.
“The cosmos is made up of everything, of you, me, the planets, stars, light, sound, everything. The dust of the cosmos is the tiny fragments of the universe that make up everything. Maybe your god created the planets from the cosmic dust.”
“And our bodies become cosmic dust once we die,” I say slowly.
“But what about those two places you mentioned?” he asks. “Heaven and…”
"Hell," I supply. "That's where our souls go. Our bodies wither and decay, just like any other animal, but that is what separates us from animals."
“A soul,” he muses. “Interesting.”
He touches near his ear and tilts his head to the side as if he’s listening to something, which I know he is. His chip. Can it really explain the nuances of what a soul actually is? I sure hope so because it’s not as if it’s something I can easily explain.
Adir frowns slightly. “This seems… complicated.”
“Somewhat.” I laugh some, which makes him smile. “I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s not always easy to know what’s for the best, what’s right or wrong.”
I swallow hard as he reaches for my hand and interlocks our fingers.
“Maybe it’s better to just go with what feels right,” he murmurs, squeezing my hand.
I squeeze back, hating that we shouldn't be here in bed together but enjoying our company all the same. Adir means something to me. Just how much I don't want to explore because I can already see the future. It's not going to work out for us, and I'm going to get hurt. The longer we pretend we can just do what we want, the more pain I'll feel.
Because I’m starting to develop feelings for the alien guard. When he grabbed my arms those times, a shock had gone through my body. I react to him in ways I’ve never reacted to any man—whether human or Novan, although I suppose Novans are humans too. Fine, whether Earthling or Novan.
Why? Why Adir? Why not one of the breeders?
Maybe, in part, it’s because I can’t even name one breeder. Do the breeders even care about us? How are we supposed to fall in love with them if we don’t even spend the time talking long enough to learn each other’s names? How hard is it to try to make a human connection before committing one of the most personal acts two people can do?
“I… I suppose you should get dressed and get going,” I tell Adir.
“What did I just say?” he grumbles.
“Hmm. Something about doing what feels right. Doesn’t your job feel right?”
I stare down at him, and the look he gives me suggests the exact opposite, that he doesn’t want to do his job, that he would prefer to do something else.
He doesn’t want to guard me, maybe not even guard my heart.
He wants to be a breeder.
To just breed with me? Ugh, that sounds so terrible. Or is he no different from the other breeders? I so desperately want to think that he is, that he's different, that he has feelings for me too, but wouldn't that make things even more difficult for us both? It would be far better for me to push him away and ask him not to come back.
But I can’t.
I’m weak.
I know I won't be able to do it. Adir will return, and I'll let him back into my bed, and he's going to continue to burrow a way to my heart and maybe even my soul. Then, I will be truly lost.
“I suppose you’re right,” Adir finally says. He wraps an arm around my waist
